Yesterday's post was a sad one, one of my "woe is me, my life sucks" posts. Dawn was right when she said it sounded like depression. I was depressed and have been for months. Mild depression, not suicidal stuff, just a feeling that all is not right in my world. Some days are darker than others and yesterday was one of the darkest.
This morning I woke up feeling a wee bit better about my life. It's really not quite as bad as I make it sound. It's not perfect by a long shot, but on the other hand, it could be a hell of a lot worse.
Christmas always does this too me, makes me sad for the things and people I don't have in my life. I miss my mother a lot this time of year because she always made the holidays so special for me when I was a kid. My childhood Christmases are the stuff of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was perfect, or at least, that's how I remember it.
This year I started early on the seasonal depression so by the time the Christmas season came around, I was in a pit of despair and self-pity. I credit a lot of my sadness to all the traveling I've done for work during the past four months. It was a strain on me, my health, my diet and exercise routine, as well as on my marriage.
Today I see some light in my life, it's not all darkness. I have a feeling of optimism, like maybe I'll make it through this and everything will turn out okay.
My husband and I are talking, laughing, joking around, almost back to our old life. The hateful and spiteful things we said to each other while in Edmonton are still between us, like a wedge trying to drive us apart. We're trying to get back to what we had and what we know we can have again. Marriage takes work, and neither one of us wants to give up on "us".
Today I'm cleaning the house and then we're putting up the tree this afternoon. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with my husband. Something I haven't felt for several months.
I also have plans to go to the gym, but limit my time there to one hour. The last two days I've gone for two full hours each day. I realize that's utterly ridiculous. No one should spend that much time working out every day unless they're a professional body builder. I just want to be healthy, not spend my life in a gym.
I have a better grip on reality today. I feel more like me. The cloud of doom and gloom seems to have lifted somewhat, and I can actually say I feel a flicker of happiness. I just hope I can hold onto this ray of light.
~Diana
175.4
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Trying to stay positive
Over the past several days I thought of a hundred things to write about but all the topics were downers. Each time I'd even think about writing a post I found myself spiraling down into a self-pity party.
My Edmonton trip is over. Having my husband go with me was a huge mistake. Instead of making things better, it made me miserable. When I'm working in a new city away from home, I'm highly stressed. After a day of meeting new people, trouble shooting problems, making endless phone calls to my home office, the last thing I wanted to do is go out and have "fun". I just wanted to crawl to my hotel room and collapse.
As a result of me not being fun, we had a huge fight while in Edmonton. Probably one of our all time worse fights in our 21 years of marriage. He left a day early to go home, which was fine with me. I couldn't handle the double stress of my day job and then my night job of being a loving wife.
Even though it's been almost a week we're both still mentally bruised from the arguing. We both regret what happened, but what's done is done. We can't take back the hurtful, mean things we said to each other.
Now we have the added stress of Christmas, the season of joy. Sorry, but I'm just not feeling it. I want to feel happy and peace on earth and all that other stuff I'm suppose to feel this time of year, but it's not happening.
I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. We had plans to travel to Denver and Arkansas to see my husband's family, but I think we're putting that on hold until after the new year. I can't bear the thought of getting on another plane. Maybe it's incredibly selfish of me but I need to stay home for a while.
We even talked about spending Christmas apart, but we both know that would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage so we both agreed we're not ready for something like that...since that would really be the end of us as a couple.
So much for remaining positive. This is probably just about the most depressing post I've ever written.
On the diet front, I'm hanging in there at 175.8. I was at the gym for two hours yesterday, getting back into the swing of things with the exercise. It felt good.
My goal is to try and get to 170 by the end of 2009, which isn't too far from where I was on December 31, 2008 - 165.2. That means I'm up 10 pounds from a year ago.
Never mind that I dropped down to 152 for a brief period during the past year so technically I'm up 20+ pounds. I just don't want to think about that right now.
I'm going eat healthy for the rest of the year and hit the gym every day. That's my goal for the next two weeks. I'll set new goals for 2010, but right now I can't think that far into the future. I'm just trying to get through a day at a time....and stay positive (not doing so good with the positive crap).
My Edmonton trip is over. Having my husband go with me was a huge mistake. Instead of making things better, it made me miserable. When I'm working in a new city away from home, I'm highly stressed. After a day of meeting new people, trouble shooting problems, making endless phone calls to my home office, the last thing I wanted to do is go out and have "fun". I just wanted to crawl to my hotel room and collapse.
As a result of me not being fun, we had a huge fight while in Edmonton. Probably one of our all time worse fights in our 21 years of marriage. He left a day early to go home, which was fine with me. I couldn't handle the double stress of my day job and then my night job of being a loving wife.
Even though it's been almost a week we're both still mentally bruised from the arguing. We both regret what happened, but what's done is done. We can't take back the hurtful, mean things we said to each other.
Now we have the added stress of Christmas, the season of joy. Sorry, but I'm just not feeling it. I want to feel happy and peace on earth and all that other stuff I'm suppose to feel this time of year, but it's not happening.
I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. We had plans to travel to Denver and Arkansas to see my husband's family, but I think we're putting that on hold until after the new year. I can't bear the thought of getting on another plane. Maybe it's incredibly selfish of me but I need to stay home for a while.
We even talked about spending Christmas apart, but we both know that would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage so we both agreed we're not ready for something like that...since that would really be the end of us as a couple.
So much for remaining positive. This is probably just about the most depressing post I've ever written.
On the diet front, I'm hanging in there at 175.8. I was at the gym for two hours yesterday, getting back into the swing of things with the exercise. It felt good.
My goal is to try and get to 170 by the end of 2009, which isn't too far from where I was on December 31, 2008 - 165.2. That means I'm up 10 pounds from a year ago.
Never mind that I dropped down to 152 for a brief period during the past year so technically I'm up 20+ pounds. I just don't want to think about that right now.
I'm going eat healthy for the rest of the year and hit the gym every day. That's my goal for the next two weeks. I'll set new goals for 2010, but right now I can't think that far into the future. I'm just trying to get through a day at a time....and stay positive (not doing so good with the positive crap).
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
A song for you
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands
So much to do, so little time
I have a lot of stuff to do today to get ready for our trip to Edmonton tomorrow. I say "our" because my husband is accompanying me on my business trip for the very first time. It should be interesting. Hopefully we won't wind up in divorce court when we get home. He's never seen me in full work mode crazy on one of these trips. Sometimes it's not a pretty sight.
I spent the morning with hubby at the urgent care clinic. He's been sick for 12 days with flu, cough, and now a bad sinus infection. Funny thing, I almost gave him my antibiotics last night. I went to the doctor yesterday for my cough syrup and the doctor insisted on giving me antibiotics even though I protested that I wasn't "that" sick.
I filled my prescriptions (including my codeine cough syrup, the nectar of the Gods), but I was determined not to take the antibiotics. Then I woke up this morning feeling sicker than I did when this all started and coughing up all kinds of nasty stuff.
Last night I read several articles on phlegm. Yes, I lead an exciting life, reading phlegm articles on a Friday night. The different colors mean different things. Yellowish-green means I'm fighting an infection. I decided maybe the doctor was right and I'm a little sicker than I originally thought, so I took my antibiotics. Hubby had to get his own medicine, thus the urgent care clinic.
While I was at the clinicI read a 2008 Good Housekeeping and came across an interesting article. Let Your Heart Break by Geneen Roth. A must read for those of us living under the illusion life will be grand when we're skinny.
After the clinic we went out to eat. My husband was starving so he wanted to go to the Blackbear Diner. This place serves massive servings of really good comfort food. It's usually torture for me, but I had eaten a Luna bar while at the clinic and a ton of water. I wasn't really even hungry, which is so odd for me (more proof I must be sick).
Here's what my husband ordered, the Southern Scrambler, 1130 calories and 71 grams of fat! It was a concoction of giant biscuits, two eggs, two big sausage patties and smothered in gravy. Honestly, it didn't even appeal to me.
Here's what I had, on the "Light" menu. They didn't have the calories for it on their website, my guesstimate is maybe 350. I ate most of the chicken breast which was prepared without oil, but left a couple ounces on my plate. A little of the cottage cheese, about 1/4 cup, and all of the fruit, with black coffee for my beverage.
I spent the morning with hubby at the urgent care clinic. He's been sick for 12 days with flu, cough, and now a bad sinus infection. Funny thing, I almost gave him my antibiotics last night. I went to the doctor yesterday for my cough syrup and the doctor insisted on giving me antibiotics even though I protested that I wasn't "that" sick.
I filled my prescriptions (including my codeine cough syrup, the nectar of the Gods), but I was determined not to take the antibiotics. Then I woke up this morning feeling sicker than I did when this all started and coughing up all kinds of nasty stuff.
Last night I read several articles on phlegm. Yes, I lead an exciting life, reading phlegm articles on a Friday night. The different colors mean different things. Yellowish-green means I'm fighting an infection. I decided maybe the doctor was right and I'm a little sicker than I originally thought, so I took my antibiotics. Hubby had to get his own medicine, thus the urgent care clinic.
While I was at the clinicI read a 2008 Good Housekeeping and came across an interesting article. Let Your Heart Break by Geneen Roth. A must read for those of us living under the illusion life will be grand when we're skinny.
After the clinic we went out to eat. My husband was starving so he wanted to go to the Blackbear Diner. This place serves massive servings of really good comfort food. It's usually torture for me, but I had eaten a Luna bar while at the clinic and a ton of water. I wasn't really even hungry, which is so odd for me (more proof I must be sick).
Here's what my husband ordered, the Southern Scrambler, 1130 calories and 71 grams of fat! It was a concoction of giant biscuits, two eggs, two big sausage patties and smothered in gravy. Honestly, it didn't even appeal to me.
Here's what I had, on the "Light" menu. They didn't have the calories for it on their website, my guesstimate is maybe 350. I ate most of the chicken breast which was prepared without oil, but left a couple ounces on my plate. A little of the cottage cheese, about 1/4 cup, and all of the fruit, with black coffee for my beverage.
Well, I'm off to do the zillion things I need to do before we leave tomorrow morning. Among those things is the gym even though I'm not feeling very Superwomanish today. :)
Friday, December 11, 2009
Day 7: I was superwoman this morning!
I'm not one to toot my own horn, but this morning, I rocked it at the gym. Seriously, I really did.
After yet another sleepless night of coughing and hacking in spite of my nightly shot of NyQuil, I woke up in a foul mood. Really unhappy and tired. My first thought was noooooo! I can't, and darn it, I won't!
I reluctantly got dressed in my workout clothes, stood in the kitchen in the dark and drank a cup of coffee. I was thinking about how bad I felt and I was sick and it's only 17 degrees, and well, the excuses to not workout were endless. An entire repertoire of "poor me!", this isn't fair.
Luckily, my inner skinny girl that's fighting against my outer fat girl said get your butt out of the house, in that car and to the gym. I promised myself 20 minutes on the StairMaster and I could come home.
Well, I did 30 minutes on the StairMaster, from level 4 all the way up to level 9. Then I worked out with the weights for a full 30 minutes. I was a soaking, wet mess by the end. The weird thing, I didn't cough once during my entire workout. My nose was runny, but no coughing. My lungs were on fire and my throat burned, but that was all.
Of course now I'm coughing non-stop, but hey - I did it! Superwoman returns!
After yet another sleepless night of coughing and hacking in spite of my nightly shot of NyQuil, I woke up in a foul mood. Really unhappy and tired. My first thought was noooooo! I can't, and darn it, I won't!
I reluctantly got dressed in my workout clothes, stood in the kitchen in the dark and drank a cup of coffee. I was thinking about how bad I felt and I was sick and it's only 17 degrees, and well, the excuses to not workout were endless. An entire repertoire of "poor me!", this isn't fair.
Luckily, my inner skinny girl that's fighting against my outer fat girl said get your butt out of the house, in that car and to the gym. I promised myself 20 minutes on the StairMaster and I could come home.
Well, I did 30 minutes on the StairMaster, from level 4 all the way up to level 9. Then I worked out with the weights for a full 30 minutes. I was a soaking, wet mess by the end. The weird thing, I didn't cough once during my entire workout. My nose was runny, but no coughing. My lungs were on fire and my throat burned, but that was all.
Of course now I'm coughing non-stop, but hey - I did it! Superwoman returns!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Day 5 & 6: Hanging on by my toenails
It's sure not easier the hundredth time around the block with this weight loss stuff. It's almost as tough as it was at the beginning, but I'm hanging in there.
This cold has really knocked me down. The coughing is making me crazy. I'm going in to see the doctor for some codeine cough syrup tomorrow. I need to sleep through the night before I hit Edmonton on Sunday.
My husband is going with me to Edmonton. It's the first time he's joined me on a business trip. When I told my coworker that's also been doing these trips, to different cities than me, he asked me what's wrong with him...why does he wants to see you in all kinds of crazy? Well put.
I've booked a room with a fireplace, hot tub and a king sized bed. My husband wants to go to the mall on Sunday. Did I ever mention I kind of hate shopping? Being in the world's 3rd largest mall isn't exactly my idea of a good time.
I was looking at my 2008 weight loss calendar where I write my weight almost every day of the year. On December 31, 2008 I weighed 164.8. This morning was 175.4. Three weeks, ten pounds? I know it's pretty much a ridiculous thought. Maybe five pounds if I put my mind to it. I'm going to try my best to not gain and lose at least a few pounds by December 31, 2009.
Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym for a light workout. Nothing too crazy. I've wanted to go but the hacking up a lung made it seem like a bad idea. Tomorrow for sure.
The NyQuil is kicking in so I'm off to bed. No crazy eating today or yesterday. Just normal stuff. Normal is always a good thing.
This cold has really knocked me down. The coughing is making me crazy. I'm going in to see the doctor for some codeine cough syrup tomorrow. I need to sleep through the night before I hit Edmonton on Sunday.
My husband is going with me to Edmonton. It's the first time he's joined me on a business trip. When I told my coworker that's also been doing these trips, to different cities than me, he asked me what's wrong with him...why does he wants to see you in all kinds of crazy? Well put.
I've booked a room with a fireplace, hot tub and a king sized bed. My husband wants to go to the mall on Sunday. Did I ever mention I kind of hate shopping? Being in the world's 3rd largest mall isn't exactly my idea of a good time.
I was looking at my 2008 weight loss calendar where I write my weight almost every day of the year. On December 31, 2008 I weighed 164.8. This morning was 175.4. Three weeks, ten pounds? I know it's pretty much a ridiculous thought. Maybe five pounds if I put my mind to it. I'm going to try my best to not gain and lose at least a few pounds by December 31, 2009.
Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym for a light workout. Nothing too crazy. I've wanted to go but the hacking up a lung made it seem like a bad idea. Tomorrow for sure.
The NyQuil is kicking in so I'm off to bed. No crazy eating today or yesterday. Just normal stuff. Normal is always a good thing.
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