Diana's Weight Loss Journey

191

2012-02-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

Really, do I need to even say anything with a post title like that...191, as in 191 pounds, as in I gained five pounds over the weekend. Should I tell you how angry and disappointed I am in myself? It probably goes without saying, I am not happy with myself.

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me, why on earth am I so hell bent on killing myself with food?

I have figured out that there's a direct link with how much I eat and how much I visit my sister. Last week I made three visits with to see my sister, two hours each visit. Even though the visits go really well, I find I get terribly depressed after seeing her. When I'm depressed and sad, I eat junk. I know this is a problem, but I seem uncontrollable.

Since the residents of the adult family home where my sister resides are always working on a jigsaw puzzle, but my sister can't seem to figure them out, I bought a puzzle that was for age 3+. She still struggled with it. I worked with her, giving her hints on which pieces might fit, but she had a very hard time.

I bought the wooden block stacking game Jenga. I read online it was good for stroke patients. She was better with this than the puzzle, and we played several times over the weekend (I visited Saturday and Sunday). She remembered how to play it on Sunday, and I think she enjoyed it.

I brought her new tennis shoes that fit. I had to buy two pair, one size 11W for her paralyzed side, and one size 10W for her non-paralyzed side. She use to wear size 9N. We had a good laugh when I tried to force her paralyzed foot into the size 11W. The shoe was huge and her foot really isn't that big, it's swollen and her toes are curling under, so she needed a bigger shoe. No matter how hard I tried to jam her foot into the shoe, it wouldn't fit. Finally, with her talking and talking to me and me not understanding a work, she grabbed the shoe from my hand and showed the open part to me so I could see I missed a big wad of tissue stuck down in the toe. We both had a good laugh over that one.

I took her for a walk outside yesterday in her wheelchair, with her rolling herself along and using her good hand. It was 58 degrees and sunny. She cried for the first five minutes. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. I finally determined she was happy. It was her first time she had been outside since her stroke on September 21, 2011 (other than being transferred into or out of an ambulance). She was smiling the entire time, looking at everything and talking non-stop (none of it made sense).

I asked her if she remembered her daughter, Camille? I told her Camille wanted to come visit her soon. She waved her hand back and forth and shook her head no. I asked if she knew who I was talking about when I said "Camille". She looked at me and just shrugged her shoulder and put her hand out, like no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

We had some good visits last week, so why does it depress the hell out of me to see her? It makes me sad, I want to cry when I leave her. I feel awful this has happened to her, and I feel awful what has happened to me. I wake up at night, worried about her, worried about her finances. Just worried about everything.

So I eat to make myself feel better. It's not working.

I'm still alive, still fat and still struggling

2012-02-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

I never understand how I can let almost two weeks go by and not post a single word. I think about posting, but never seem to have the time, or if I have the time, I can't think of anything to say. Usually it means I'm in a midst of a binge, which was very true this time around. I know posting regularly and reading other weight loss blogs has been a huge help to me in the past four years (I've been blogging for four years this month).

Life is definitely a struggle these days. Talking to attorneys, rehashing the last four months over and over with them, reviewing the legal documents to be filed in court, and dreading and hating the whole legal fiasco. As much as I detest this phrase, it's the truth in my case, "it is what it is". In other words, I'm screwed and the situation is beyond my control. I have to do what is best for my sister and what is best for me. End of story on that one.

My diet and exercise have been bad. Really, really bad. I only made it to the gym three times last week, claiming I was just to exhausted to get out of bed. I walked at lunch a couple days, but my regular walking co-worker is in Geneva this week, so I had to walk with my backup walker, who walks really s-l-o-w. She's about 100 pound overweight and I think has recently gained even more weight. I can barely walk as slowly as she walks. We stopped at Safeway so she could buy some lunch. She bought a big container of barbecued spare ribs and a giant white flour bagel. We've often talked about weight loss and exercise, but I'd never say anything to her about what she eats. I really enjoy her company, but I worry about her. I bought some fresh asparagus to add to my soup for lunch. Even though I was binging at night, I tried to at least eat a healthy breakfast and lunch.

To add to my lack of exercise last week, I fell into a binge cycle. Oddly, I read about a binge on a beloved blogger's post, and it seemed to trigger something in me. I haven't bought binge food for months, things like cookies, cheesecake and chips. I just did not care. After three days of stupid, binge eating, I think I may have come to my senses today. I feel like I got it out of my system and now it's time to move on to better eating and better health.

Today is busy so I need to finish this up and head out. I've cleaned house a little, just to make it bearable. Next up is the gym first, then shopping for a few items for my sister. I also want to pick up a child's puzzle for her, one with big pieces. Also some games I read that are good for stroke patients. Then I'll head over to her home and visit for an hour or two. Then home to make some homemade soup for dinner.

The weather is fantastic here in the Pacific Northwest today. We have S-U-N-S-H-I-N-E!!!! It's suppose to get up to a high of 58. I love it here when the weather is nice. It's been a tough, dark, wet, cold winter. I'm more than ready for some nice weather. Hopefully, I'll get some pictures today. I plan on bundling my sister up and taking her outside in her wheelchair. It'll be the first time she's been outside since her stroke, other than being transferred to or from an ambulance. I think she's really going to enjoy it.

Oh, almost forgot to mention my weight. I don't know. I weighed Wednesday and was 187.6. Still terrible, but considering that was right in the middle of a binge I'm pretty sure it's up from Wednesday. I'll find out tomorrow. Weight Watchers again!

The worst weighin ever

2012-01-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe it's not my worst weighin ever. When I weighed 240 pounds I practically cried every time I stepped on the scales (and I weighed 240 pounds for over a year).

Maybe it's because I'm out of tears that have been shed over other things, or maybe it's because I know this is temporary, and I can and will lose the weight, but I'm not terribly upset with myself. It's more like, oh well, shit happens. I gained ten pounds in twelve days.

So here it is, available for public viewing, my weighin this morning, at home, buck naked, before breakfast or coffee:

188.0

I knew it was going to be bad. In fact, I shut my eyes before I looked down at the scale and tried to guess my weight. You're not going to believe this but I guessed exactly correct. I guessed 188.0 and that's exactly the number I saw on the scale. Weird.

The last time I stepped on the scales was January 12, that's only twelve days ago when I weighed 178.2. Normally I weigh every day, yet I stopped for 12 days. During that twelve days I was dealing with my sister's sudden move to Seattle and my totally insane niece, fallout from other family members because I basically kidnapped my sister and moved her, and of course, the snowstorm, ice storm and the power outage. All great excuses for eating like a fool (at least that's what I told myself).

Not only have I been eating poorly and eating too much, but I also cut back on my gym workouts drastically. I didn't even go this morning, claiming I was just too tired and too beaten down. That's exactly when I should go, but I just couldn't do it this morning.

No worries though, I have plans to get back on track. I'm not beating myself up too bad because I have lots of other people that do a great job of beating me up mentally (okay, really only one person but she has many personalities).

Tomorrow I meet with an attorney to file court papers to stop my niece's crazy antics. Even though I'm dreading the whole legal maze I'll have to go through to stop my niece, I have a sense of relief that I made the decision to follow through on what I've been talking about for months.

Thank you for all your supportive comments on my sad day post yesterday. It really helped. I agree that I need to seek help from a professional. I know this, but right now I'm swamped with all the financial, medical and now legal facets of my sister's life, not to mention my real life job.

Until I get things straightened out for my sister, I have to put myself on the back burner, but just temporarily. I know someone I can see that can help me. She's a therapist I met years ago in Toastmasters and she's awesome. We've kept in touch and as soon as things calm down a bit I'm calling her for an appointment. I think she can help me sort out this craziness. Thank you again. I love you guys. You make me feel somewhat normal (and not the wicked witch of Washington).

Having a very bad day

2012-01-23T18:32:00.000-08:00

I've been on an emotional downward spiral all day today. After a 15-minute phone conversation with my craziest niece this morning about her mother (my sister) while on my way to work, I came into my office shaking, my heart pounding and very close to bursting into tears. It was a horrible conversation with a crazy person, and not a good way to start my day.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. Even as I write this ten hours after the conversation, I can feel the pain like a knife in my chest.

I won't rehash all the evil things she said to me, but I have retained a local attorney to help me stop her from ever contacting me again. It's a sad situation and a path I didn't want to go down, but my mental health is too important to me to keep living with this kind of insanity.

I really want my old life back. I didn't know how good I had it, when life was simple and my biggest concerns were exercising and losing weight. I'm trying to make the best of things, but the sadness is overwhelming me.

Let there be light!

2012-01-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

After 54 hours without electricity, we spotted the Puget Sound Energy trucks at the end of our street around 6 p.m. yesterday. It was cold, dark and wet out but there they were, restoring electricity to our street. I seriously love those guys. They were working around the clock, 24/7, restoring power to over 300,000 homes in the area. It was a cold and rough 54 hours without power, but we made it.

Funny story, about three hours before the power came back on, my husband hooked up our generator. We plugged in the refrigerator, the coffee pot and we had TV. While my husband was at the store to buy more gas for the generator, the power came on. I knew as soon as he hooked up the generator, we'd get power. He should have done it three days ago!

Thank goodness for our gas fireplace which kept the family room warm and toasty, and our gas hot water heater so we could still take showers. I even washed my hair and then sat by the fireplace trying to dry it. You don't realize how much you rely on electricity until it's gone.

I couldn't even go to the gym because because their power was out too even after the streets cleared up. I thought that was a pretty good excuse for not working out.

We were house-bound Wednesday and Thursday because the snow was so bad we couldn't get out of our driveway. My husband has a four-wheel drive truck so he could have made it, but he decided it wasn't worth dealing with all the other drivers and the mess out there. When the ice storm hit on Thursday, I'm not sure the 4x4 would have done him that much good.

It was truly an amazing sight this past week. Here are a few pictures from the Snowpocalypse or Iceaggeddon (everyone had a name for it). Most of the ice and snow are gone now with temperatures in the 40's, but it was fun while it lasted.

My car, encased in ice. I had chipped the ice off the back and side windows, but I couldn't get the doors open because of the 1/4 inch of ice had frozen them shut.

A Tree in front of L.A. Fitness

The parking lot at Fred Meyers (grocery store that was open).

A tree in front of Fred Meyers

Another ice encrusted tree

Close up of the ice on branches - it was just beautiful

Our Japanese maple tree in front of our house

View down our street. My husband was trying to get his truck cleaned off so he could take me to work on Friday. It took him about 20 minutes. Luckily he has remote auto start so it could thaw from the inside out or he might not have been able to open the doors because of the sheath of ice covering it.

More ice encrusted branches on our Japanese maple. I had a fascination with the ice.

The bamboo in our front yard. It's usually about 15 feet tall and completely blocks the view of our neighbor across the street. Now it's only about three feet tall since the ice made it fall, and we can see our neighbor from our front window (which I hate).

I made it to the gym yesterday, but my eating hasn't been stellar these past few days. A lot of eating out which I'm not accustomed to doing, and sometimes I didn't make the best food choices. We went to the movies Friday night and I had popcorn and candy. I haven't done that in years and my husband was shocked. I told him to leave me alone, I was going through a bad spell. The whole sister/niece thing, and now the storm and no power, who gives a shit anyway about what I eat. I know. Silly me. Of course I care. Now it's back to the grindstone, eating right and exercising. Life goes on.

Lbs. the movie

2012-01-19T06:26:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Pamela's blog, Uncovering Pamela, for almost four years, when I first started blogging in February 2008. She was the first person to post a comment on my blog and she was always there to support me. Pamela doesn't post much these days. She's discovered a life outside of the blog world, and has a busy social life these days. I miss her, but I'm happy for her.

Pamela wrote several posts about a movie that she loved, Lbs. She even went to the premiere in New York and met the director, writers and the star of the movie. She raved about it and I couldn't wait to see it.

Last night Pamela posted that her beloved movie, Lbs., was available on Amazon.com to rent. I'd never rented a movie from Amazon. I didn't even know that was something I could do. I have a Roku box (actually, we have three in our house), so I was thrilled to find out I could download a movie from Amazon to my Roku. It was only $3.99 for a 3-day rental. I didn't even bother to see if it was on Netflix yet because I wanted to see it immediately.

The IMDB gives this description: A 315-pound man decides to kick his food addiction by moving to the country.

I'm sorry Pamela, but I hated this movie. I mean H-A-T-E-D it. I found it depressing, boring, and left me with a feeling of hopelessness. I didn't love the main character, in fact, I sorted hated him too. I didn't like the story line. I just didn't like anything about it.

I almost didn't write this post because I respect and admire Pamela a lot, but this is one thing we disagree on.

I advise you to go ahead and rent Lbs. It was rated A+ by yahoo users, and won a New York film award and was a Sundance feature film, so maybe it's just me. It's only $3.99 to rent for three days through Amazon, and maybe you'll get something worthwhile out of it, I didn't get anything out of it except a bit of sadness (and I sure don't need any additional sadness in my life). I prefer happy movies. Lbs. did not make me laugh or feel good about life, that's why I didn't like it.

Your favorite green vegetable

2012-01-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

Part of my lunch today, plain old green beans with Pam butter flavored spray and a dash of sea salt.

I haven't eaten green beans for years. I've never really liked them much. I've always thought they were boring and tasteless. These aren't bad, in fact, I'll probably eat them again.

I eat too many Brussels sprouts. Seriously, I eat them several times a week. I've had an ongoing love affair with Brussels sprouts for years. My favorite is fresh Brussels sprouts, roasted with olive oil and sea salt. I could eat these every day (heck, I have eaten them almost every day for months!).

I've decided to branch out and only eat Brussels sprouts a couple times a week (this will be hard), and start eating a greater variety of fresh, green vegetables. I know this would be healthier.

Do you have a favorite green vegetable? How do you prepare it?

Snow in Seattle!

2012-01-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

The view out my home office window (on break at lunch, working from home), Federal Way, WA - 22 miles south of Seattle:

This isn't a view I see very often at my house. I love it. It's gorgeous! It's a very gray day so it's doesn't look as spectacular as it could. However, when the sun comes out the snow will melt. It's suppose to stay below freezing all day today, but warm up tomorrow and then all the snow will melt.

I made up with my niece this morning, the one that's been calling me a bitch and a liar. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

I sent her an email and told her I wanted to get along and not fight anymore. I didn't want to have to deal with lawyers and restraining orders. I didn't want to have to go to court again. I just wanted to work with her.

A few hours later after I knew my niece had read my email, I called her. After she burst into tears and asked why I hated her so much, we talked (well, she talked) for half an hour, and I listened, trying to calm her down and listen to her grievances against me. I simply can't live with the hatred and fighting any longer. This is one more attempt at peace, and I hope it sticks this time. I know she's mentally ill, which makes this all very difficult. I have much more empathy for those that deal with the mentally ill. This is the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life.

It's time to grab some lunch. Breakfast was on track and is in the Weight Watcher tracker. I'm drinking water, and focusing on the healthy eating guidelines. I still feel like I'm starving again today, probably from the carbs in the pizza last night (or the wine). I just want to make it through this one day eating entirely on plan (and stay within my 26 Points...not 80 like the last few days!).

Snowmageddon

2012-01-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

If you've been watching the weather channel you've probably already heard about our snowstorm here in the Pacific Northwest. They're not kidding! It's really bad. I live on the south end of Seattle (Federal Way), and we got a six inch snow dump early this morning. It's amazing, and I kind of love it. I wish it would stay for more than a few hours. Since it's 31 degrees I'm pretty sure it'll be gone by noon.

Like an idiot I got dressed and headed out to the gym. I scraped off the six inches of fluffy, dry snow from my car, the most snow I've ever seen fall here at one time. I really wanted to make a snow angel in the front yard, but I had to get to the gym (or so I thought).

I should have had a clue that it wasn't a good idea to drive anywhere when I got stuck in the street in front of my house where there's the tiniest incline. On my way to the gym, about a two-mile drive, I saw two cars in the ditch being pulled out by tow trucks. Then a semi-truck on the hill up to my house stopped in the middle of the road putting on chains. This sort of scared me so I drove right past the gym, and took the long way home (an extra three miles), to avoid the treacherous hill up to my house.

Just like everyone on my team, I'm working from home today. Maybe when the snow melts I can head over the gym this afternoon.

Last night was a real bust on the diet. I ate 3/4 of a California Pizza (frozen - I had bought two last weekend), barbecue chicken on extra thin crust and a then a big glass of red wine.

Yesterday I felt like I was starving to death all day. I'm pretty sure it was my body's reaction to the 800-calorie workout Monday night. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and then an hour cycle class just about killed me. My eating was good all day yesterday, then last night I spotted the pizza in the freezer (something I haven't bought for years), and I succumbed. Exhausted physically and emotionally drained (niece junk all day yesterday--will it ever stop?), I just couldn't seem to stop myself.

Today I feel better, more in control and more like I care. Last night, I just didn't care. My health didn't seem to matter. I just wanted comfort and sought it in food and alcohol. Stupid, yes. Regrets, no. Sometimes you just have to do what feels good, even if it's bad for you.

Okay, so I'm moving on today. My plan for the day: Weight Watchers! I will track my food even if it kills me and work on getting in the healthy guidelines. Exercise this afternoon, after work and after the snow melts.

Is it Friday yet?!

2012-01-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted. My visits with my sister drain me. I saw her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. It shouldn't hit me so hard, and I don't know why I don't handle it better. The truth is that there is a lot of brain damage from the stroke. She's very much like a little child, maybe five years old. She's fussy, bossy, and throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way.

She doesn't remember people's names that she's know for years. When I tell her someone called and asked me to give her their love, she often just shrugs her shoulder, and puts her hand out like she doesn't know what or who the heck I'm talking about. I'll asked, "don't you remember -----?" and she'll shake her head no.

Yet when she holds my hand, squeezes it and looks at me with a smile, I know it's all worth it. All the hassle with her children (one in particular who is now calling me a liar and bitch to the rest of the family), the court system, lawyers, and trying to figure out her finances (Lord help me on that one), and all the time spent, it's worth it

After my visit yesterday I headed to the gym. Thirty minutes of StairMaster love and then I was going to hit the weights. It was late, almost 5:30 p.m. and the weight section was packed with men. That's the thing I really don't like about L.A. Fitness, the free weight area. It's tiny in compared to what I had at Ballys where I had three free weight lifting areas and one of the areas was huge. L.A. Fitness only has about six workout benches and a ton of men (where are the women in the free weight area?!).

Then I noticed the spin cycles had people on them, but more than just a few, a lot of people, and there were available bikes! I was so excited that I ran in, jumped on a bike, adjusted it a bit and off I went for an hour of intense cardio. About thirty minutes into I realized it wasn't a wise decision to do the StairMaster and then an hour of cycle, but it was too late. I couldn't quit in the middle of class. No one does that, right?

I made it, but I'm paying for it this morning. I'm exhausted. I didn't get home until almost 7pm. I'm just really tired today. I wish it was Friday.

And I thought I didn't do that bad yesterday...ROFL!

2012-01-15T09:08:00.000-08:00

It was a 70-Point day yesterday. Wow! What's so crazy about it is that I thought I was doing okay by not going totally overboard.

I eyed all the Valentine's Day candy last night at the grocery store, but walked by it without picking up a single package. I thought I was doing a halfway decent compromise with the somewhat healthy California extra-thin crust pizza and the caramel popcorn as my big splurge. I'm pretty sure if I had calculated out the Points first I would have chosen something different. I have all the Weight Watcher apps on my phone so there's no excuse other than I was very tired and hungry. Lesson learned.

Dinner was an entire package of the Caramel popcorn and 3/4 of an entire frozen pizza (it was sort of small on very thin crust but it was 21 Points). Breakfast and lunch were healthy. Oh, and let's not forget the two glasses of sweet red wine. I normally don't have alcohol, but it was just that kind of day. Crazy niece threats, police involvement, brain-damaged sister, snow, fireplace, tired, sad, hungry, husband asleep so no one to vent to = wine on the menu.

I didn't even go to the gym yesterday, because I was too rushed with crazy niece/sister stuff. I know that's just an excuse, but it's true.

In case you're wondering, I didn't get on the scale this morning. I'm not that crazy!

I know it'll take a few days to undo the damage from last night. My goal for this week was to get down to 176 by next Saturday. I just made it a lot harder with losing my mind last night. Funny how I can talk myself into anything when I'm tired and feeling sad.

I'll give it my best shot this week. Healthy eating, tracking, focusing on the healthy eating guidelines and lots of exercise.

PointsPlus® Tracker entries

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Morning

1 large banana(s)

Diana McMuffin

Subtotal

Midday

1 item(s) Light Multi-Grain English Muffin

1 serving(s) Kirkland Salmon Burger

2 medium pear(s)

1 serving(s) Litehouse Dressing & Dip, Lite Bleu Cheese

1 cup(s) fat-free skim milk

1/3 cup(s) uncooked onion(s)

1 tsp olive oil

Subtotal

Evening

4 1/2 serving(s) Orville Redenbacher Caramel Popcorn

3/4 serving(s) California Pizza Crispy Thin Sicilian (3/4 entire pizza)

8 oz red wine

Subtotal

Anytime

No entries for this meal time.

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Activity

No entries for activity.

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil	Activity

I want my life back

2012-01-15T06:41:00.000-08:00

I keep telling myself things will get better, that I will be able to enjoy my old life again. I never thought my life was that great, but after all the BS I've gone through recently I realized I had a pretty decent life. It's funny how you never appreciate what you had until it's taken away from you.

I spent yesterday morning talking to the local sheriff's department and the Fairbanks police department. I was trying to find out what I could do to protect my sister from my crazy niece until I get a court ordered restraining order against my niece (which hopefully I can get this week).

Everyone was very kind and helpful. They told me to write up a brief synopsis of my niece's issues, along with her physical description and a picture of her, a copy of my guardian papers and strict instructions to call 911 if they see my niece on the premises. Then give the synopsis to the police. I felt like I was putting together a "wanted poster" on her. It made me sad that it has come to this, but she's forced my hand by threatening to get on the next plane and fly down here to see her mother. Luckily it's an adult family home with only six residents and one caregiver, plus the owner that lives across the street and pops over all the time. It's not a huge facility so they can easily keep an eye on who comes into the home.

Then I spent three hours visiting my sister yesterday. I cut her bangs short, which she prefers. The hair stylist that cut her hair last week made long bangs that swept to the side. I knew my sister hated them because she kept fussing with them. Then I put makeup on her and gave her a manicure with pretty pink polish. She's still a beauty, even at 73 and all she's gone through. I sat at the dinner table with her and two other ladies as she ate her food perfectly with her left hand.

Although my sister was happy when I got there, she was not having the greatest day. For the most part it was good, but she gets really frustrated that I can't understand her. I get frustrated because she gets mad and starts to cry. I can't figure out what is wrong, then she scrunches up her face and tries to hold back the tears. I hate it. I know there's going to be a transition time for both of us and we just have to get through it until things settle down and we fall into a routine. I really wish we could communicate better. That's the hardest part.

After dinner she went to bed, which is her normal routine. Under the instruction of the home caregiver I lifted my sister into bed. She weighs almost nothing. Maybe 130 pounds. I expected her to be much heavier. I dressed her in her soft, new pajamas that I had just bought and washed the night before. She was complaining her back hurt her but she'd been up since 7am and it was 6pm. For a woman that had been bedridden 24/7 for the last four months it's pretty amazing that she's up and in her wheelchair or the a recliner all day for the last six days. She takes her meals at the dining room table and not in her bed. She likes to wheel around he huge house in her wheelchair or sit in her favorite recliner in the family room and watch a little TV.

By the time I got home I was mentally and physically drained. I'd had a really healthy breakfast and lunch (about 500 calories total), and I was starving. I had stopped at the store to get some groceries. BIG MISTAKE. I was so tired I wanted something easy for dinner. I bought a frozen California Pizza on thin crust, some Orville Redenbacher Caramel microwave popcorn, along with a ton of there stuff, but the pizza and popcorn were going to be my dinner.

By the time I got home it was 8pm. My husband was asleep. I ate 3/4 of the pizza (810 calories) and a bag of the popcorn (850 calories). Today I'm actually going to go back and put all this in my Weight Watcher tracker. I know it was more than I was suppose to eat, but what can I say. It was a hell of a day. I'm not use to talking to police departments and putting together wanted posters. I overate. Big deal. Today I'll be back at the gym and back on track (I went to the gym four out of five days last week). I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore, I have too much big stuff to get freaked out about now.

My main goal is to settle into some type of routine visiting schedule with my sister. Spending most of my day on sister stuff isn't really working for me. I want to spend time on some Diana stuff too. I just need to find the balance.

Stress and belly fat

2012-01-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

I’ve noticed I have a lot of belly fat, which we all know isthe worst kind of fat. It’s better to carry it on your hips and thighs, and notthe belly.

Even as my weightgoes down, my waistband seems tighter. The thighs of my pants are looser, but my waist andabdomen are bigger. The video from a couple days ago showed me just how bad itlooks. Not only is is visually unappealing, but I know it’s killing me from theinside out.

I have a sick feeling the growth of my abdomen has a lot todo with the incredible stress I’ve been under since September 21, 2011, when mysister had her stroke. We’ve all heard how stress produces a hormone calledcortisol that causes belly fat.

I’m 56 years old and have never dealt with a mess like whatI’ve gone through with my sister. I didn’t know my family was so totallyscrewed up, including my own brother. IfI hear him say “Poor Linda, you should be nicer to her” one more time, I thinkI will just freaking lose it. Linda is the crazy niece that continues totorture me with her insanity.

The latest is that my other niece called me last night (theone I’m having evicted from the apartment complex my sister owns) to tell methat Linda is on a plane to Seattle this weekend to see her mother. She was crying and apologizing for being such a loser herself, she sounded drunk, so I don't even know if it was a true statement.

Regardless, this means I have to head down to the Sheriff’sdepartment this morning and see what can be done to stop craziest niece if she shows up atthe home this weekend. I can't have her causing a disruption at the home or upsetting her mother. As my sister’s legal guardian I have control over who can see her andwho can’t. For now, craziest niece is on the “can’t see my sister” list.

Since this is such an odd situation, the Alaska Courts granted guardianship to me, AlaskaAdult Protection Services and Alaska State attorney general’s office are involved, andmy sister is still technically a resident of Alaska, it’s not easy tosecure a restraining order against my niece that lives in Alaska. I have to hireanother attorney down here to help me, and he didn’t call me back yesterday.Stress level at the moment, off the Richter scale.

Even if I could take crazy niece out of thepicture (which seems to be outside my realm of possibilities), I still have thestress of managing sister’s fiances. She has some money left, but at the rate it's going, it's being quickly depleted which is scaring the hell out of me.

I paid $7,000 of bills yesterday for my sister's basically abandoned apartment complex in Fairbanks (just the niece and grand-niecestill live them and of course, haven’t paid rent for two years). This is only the tip of the iceberg of month bills. There's tons more, bills for her house, medical bills, credit card bills, property and car insurance, property and income taxes (did I mention there's a possible $39,000 IRS bill looming over my head for my sister?). I pray thesale goes through the end of this week for the apartments. Otherwise, my sister is only good for afew more months. Even down here the cost is $4,800/month just for her room andboard (it was $7,500/month in Fairbanks).

Since my stress level isn’t going down anytime soon, what doI do about my belly fat that seems to be growing by the minute? It’s actuallykind of frightening. I measured my waist this morning and it’s 34 ½ inches. Myabdomen is 43 inches. That's really dangerous, especially at my age. I canimagine that my internal organs are covered in a really thick layer of disgusting yellowish fat,and that my organs are struggling to function.

Obviously, I need a plan. I’ve read many times that cardiowill melt belly fat. Almost every day I do at least 30 minutes of cardio. I doan Intense, hard core cardio workout on the StairMaster or elliptical. It’s a crazy-fast interval program on both machines (on alternating days). AndI do mean crazy fast where the sweat is pouring off of me and my clothes are wetwith sweat within the first two minutes. After my cardio, I lift weights,alternating different sets of muscles on different days. Obviously the exerciseisn’t the answer to melting my belly fat.

I just searched “Belly Fat” on Amazon.com. 3,387 matches.Where to start? I’m not really sure, but I have a feeling the answer is outthere. I need to do something different. Eat different food, change myexercise. There has to be something that works. If anyone has any ideas formelting the belly fat, please post a comment. I know there are “melt belly fat”pills, I’ve seen them advertised in weight loss magazines. I’m not a pillperson so I wouldn’t even consider trying a belly fat reducing pill. I’m sure it’sfalse advertising. There aren’t any magic pills.

I'm thinking about starting yoga. Not for exercise but just so I can calm the hell down for at least a few hours a week. Not hot yoga which I hate, but the regular kind that focuses on breathing and stretching. I like that kind.

Of course, I strongly suspect if I just lose the weight, the belly fatwill be reduced significantly. That’s probably the real answer.

OMG! When did I get so fat!!!

2012-01-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

You've probably had this happen to you. You're kind of going along in life, lots of things pulling you in different directions, and you're not really focused on diet and exercise. You're trying to make the best possible choices, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. You think you're eating right and you're squeezing in the exercise when you can.

Then it happens. You see a picture of yourself. You can't believe your eyes. That can't be YOU!

Actually, my moment of realization that I'm fat was even worse. It was a video taken by my husband last night. It was suppose to be a video of my sister but since my husband was handling the camera there's several minutes of me wheeling around in my sister's wheelchair at her new home (really kind of fun too). But when I saw the video, all I could see was a very fat Diana:

I "thought" I was doing okay. I was weighing every day and was even down a few pounds recently, weighing 178 yesterday morning. I knew I wasn't skinny, but what the hell is that thing around my waist. It looks like I have an inflated inner tube under my shirt around my middle.

How did I not see this when I looked in the mirror? Maybe because I don't look in the mirror when I'm sitting down. Maybe I should look in the mirror when I'm sitting down. Honestly, I had no idea I looked this bad. If I didn't know better I'd say I was well over 200 pounds. I wonder if my scale is broken.

Okay, so I'm upset about how bad I look. I guess what really bothers me is that I didn't think I looked that bad. Boy, what an eye opener. Videos get me every time. They do not lie.

Now I'm really serious about losing this weight. It's ridiculous I've waited this long and goofed off. I should have been at goal years ago. Plus, with all that fat around my middle I'm a strong candidate for a heart attack, or heaven foribd, a stroke!

My tools of choice to lose weight, Weight Watchers of course, and my Polar heart rate monitor, as well as my BodyMedia. I'm going to track Points, starting today.

Pictures of my sister's new home
Lastly, a few pictures of Arbor Rose, were my sister is living now. I love it. It's an adult family home with only six residents. Those are the flowers my niece Camille sent her. Camille is the sweet one.

The continuing saga

2012-01-11T21:53:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the last twelve days I almost don't know where to start.

My Fairbanks trip on New Year's Eve was a disaster. Remember how my sister wouldn't stop crying that evening? It continued into the next day when my husband and I visited in the afternoon. Nothing but tears and squeezing my hand until I thought she was going to break it.

I asked if she was okay. No. I asked her if someone had hurt her, yes and more tears. I looked at my husband and I felt my heart stop. My worst nightmare was for someone to hurt my defenseless sister and she could never tell us who hurt her.

This was Friday, December 30. I called APS (Adult Protection Services) in Fairbanks and told them they needed to do an immediate investigation with my sister. They did and concluded my sister had been hurt, arm and ankle twisted, by my crazy niece, and threatened. There was a restraining order put in place (at least that's what the owner of the home told me) to prevent my niece's family from seeing my sister.

There's more to this story that I'm going to leave out, mainly because my niece is suing me, or at least she is threatening to sue me.

A lot happened my since my last post on December 30 to Sunday, January 8. Things I'd like to forget, but will probably haunt me the rest of my life.

Bottom line, my sister now lives here in Seattle, about fifteen minutes from my home. She's happy, and can't stop smiling. She went from being bedridden, living in a hell hole assisted living home in Fairbanks to a gorgeous adult family home with five other residents. In only 24 hours she was scooting herself around all day in her wheelchair.

She went from wearing the same shirt and Depends all day and night, and eating in bed to getting up (with help of course), getting dressed in real clothes and having breakfast, lunch and dinner in the dining room where she can look out large windows. She eats with the other residents. In her old home she was in a basement room with a little window she couldn't even see out of and had her meals in bed. It was horrible.

She's even making friends. They told me that she and the Alzheimer's lady (a former teacher with a masters in education) talk back and forth in their own strange secret language (can't wait to see that).

I can't tell you how much lighter my heart is these days. I know my lovely sister will never be like her old self, there was too much brain damage. I do now that now she is having the best quality of life she can have for someone in her condition. She's happy. Which makes me happy.

I'm in the Anchorage airport, waiting for my flight back to Seattle. Even though I made the trip from hell with my sister just two days ago when I basically kidnapped her and brought her to Seattle (I can do that as her legal guardian per the District Attorney's office), I had to go back to Fairbanks last night to testify in court against another niece about being evicted from my sister's apartment complex (which sold!).

I really should write a book some day.

It's going to be a long and busy day

2011-12-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

Just had breakfast of an egg, thin slice of Canadian bacon and English muffin. It as a frozen store brand, Fred Myers here, but probably Kroegers in the rest of the world. It was a "Lite" version at 220 calories. Not sure of Points since not in Weight Watcher scan app, and I'm too rushed (or lazy) to put in the PointsPlus app. Love these app. Sort of tasty, fast breakfast.

Great visit with my sister last night. She couldn't stop crying when she saw me. I told her I sure hoped they were tears of happiness and not sadness. She laughed.

Husband is here and we're heading out to see my sister this morning, then appointments and then the house (the dreaded house and mass of paperwork).

No internet until I get home on Sunday morning.

Happy New Year!

Fairbanks, Alaska...hell has frozen over

2011-12-29T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm in the hotel dining room and just had a quick dinner of a salad and a hamburger patty. I took off the bun, and just ate the patty with the lettuce and tomatoes. I said no fries and a salad instead, they still brought the fries and the salad. They're the skinny, seasoned fries and look really salty. I didn't eat any, didn't really even want them. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate beef. Actually, it tasted pretty good.

About Fairbanks, the most God-forsaken place I've ever been when it's thirty-three degrees below zero. I can't believe I lived in the interior Alaska for thirty years before I left here. I forgot how miserable it is when it's this cold. It literally hurts.

It was pitch dark when I got here at 3:30pm, and so cold I thought I had frostbite by the time I got the car scraped off (covered in ice and snow). It has awesome heated seats...a new requirement for any future Fairbanks rental cars in the winter.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack on the plane. Actually, I had it at work before I left for the airport and it just continued on the plane. A sort of mental breakdown after reading an email from my brother (who I thought liked me). He said I was too hard on my crazy niece, and our sister would want me to be kind to her and help her. I couldn't stop crying. This same thing happened to me after I think my third trip up here. Where the tears wouldn't stop and my heart ached with pain.

Honestly, I'm out of kindness, forgiveness and love when it comes to my niece. She's attacked me for the last time, and I will not fall for the false sweetness which turns to mean, hateful and very hurtful behavior.

I saw a quote in the Oprah January magazine that I left up in the room. Basically, it was about running away from toxic people. I get that. My niece is toxic. If I was to put a label on her, I would guess it's bipolar. I'm not sure, but there's definitely something wrong with her.

My husband is flying in later tonight. Thanks to Sarah's comment, we'll be having a bonfire of paperwork outside at my sister's house. She doesn't have a fireplace, but she has a 123 acres of land, no neighbors and the house sits on a river. Lots of snow too. Of course, not sure how I'll be able to handle the -40 temperature since her place is always ten degrees colder than in town.

Thanks you guys for all your kind comments. Your support and kindness continues to amaze me.

I'm off to see my sister. I hope I don't cry when I see her. It's just so sad, but it's life and I have to make the best of it.

Really? Fairbanks again?!

2011-12-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

I swear I have the most dysfunctional, crazy, weird family in the world, and I don't mean that in a good way.

After weeks of listening to the whining and complaining about cleaning out their mother's house, one of my nieces (the most crazy of the crazy) called me yesterday (the first time since she changed all her phone numbers a month ago). She demanded to be paid for her time for helping her mother by cleaning out her mother's house, as well as for her gas for driving the six miles to the house.

Oh.My.God. Are you serious? Yes, she was serious and NO-FREAKING-WAY will she get paid. I don't get paid and darn it...you don't get paid. May I remind you, this is for your mother! I'm just totally flabbergasted over this latest event. Who are these people?! Their mother, my sister, practically dedicated her life to them and this is how they repay her?

After contacting my attorney, I decided to fly up to Fairbanks tomorrow night. Friday morning I'm having all the locks changed on my sister's house. Then I'm meeting with an auctioneer at the house to discuss how to go about auctioning off all my sister's personal belongings and household items, then to the realtor to sign the listing agreement. My brother will visit the house once a week to make sure it's okay.

The children...they are DONE. I don't want to hearing about it anymore. They seem to take joy in telling me what a mess it is and how they're mother had a shopping problem and how hard they're working. I've had enough. Keep in mind these aren't young people, they're between the ages of 46 to 49 and neither of my nieces even have jobs.

Here's the forecast for Fairbanks, and where my sister's house is located twenty-three miles out of Fairbanks it's always ten degrees colder. That would make it a low of -46 degrees. Yuk.

I'm probably going to stay at my sister's house, which is going to be very weird. No internet, TV, or phone (and my cell phone barely works out there), I had it all turned off to save money. The main reason I'm staying there is I'm on a shredding mission while I'm there, to shred as much paperwork as possible in a day and a half. My sister doesn't own a shredder. That alone should tell you something.

The diet and exercise
Still at it, gym every day as usual. I didn't track my food today, but I don't think I ate enough because my family situation was stressing me out. The worst thing about going to Fairbanks is that I'll miss my Saturday Weight Watcher meeting. Very frustrating.

The good thing about this trip, I get to see my sister, even if it is for a short time. I really miss her.

Giving Weight Watchers a chance

2011-12-27T22:15:00.000-08:00

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday. I adore, love, admire, respect and practically worship my Weight Watcher leader. Every time I go to one of her meetings I learn something new, and in the process, I get entertained because she's really funny (and smart and sweet). I'm very fortunate to have such a wonderful Weight Watcher leader.

A little history about me and Weight Watchers. I joined in February 2008. I'd joined before, a few times over the years, but I never stuck with it for more than a week. This time, I was on fire. My first blog post was May 13, 2008 (in my "Old Diana's Journey"...long story on what happened and why I had to create a new one). I followed Weight Watchers to the letter. I did exactly what they said to do and guess what? It worked!

It's weird to go back and look at those old posts. I kept writing posts, almost every day, putting my heart and soul into each post. Back then, no one read my blog and no one ever commented. It's pretty funny to go back almost four years ago and read how I was struggling and working so hard when I started out. No one ever commented for several months, and I didn't care. I was dead set on losing weight and keeping a record of it.

I really believed in Weight Watchers, even though I stumbled and fell many times. Gained back a few pounds, lost a few, gained a lot, lost a lot. Back and forth over the years. This year has been particularly difficult. I even completely quit Weight Watchers last August. I decided the BodyMedia was the way to go.

I've missed the meetings and the support. I've really missed my leader. I've missed the accountability. So why did I quit? This is so stupid that I hate to even write it. I didn't like the zero-Point fruit. Pretty silly in hindsight. I wonder if I'd followed the program faithfully and eaten the free fruit without worrying about it, where would I be right now? Probably at goal.

Instead, I made a big stinking deal about the fruit. "Oh my gosh! I can't eat all the fruit I want! I'll gain weight!" That is my lame excuse for wasting an entire year.

So I'm back. Back on plan, back to following the Healthy Eating Guidelines. Back to loving my meetings and my leader. Back to following Weight Watchers as perfectly as life will allow. Back to being on fire.

My weigh in wasn't great, but it could have been much worse. In the four weeks since my last meeting I lost one pound. Saturday's weighin: 183.4. No excuses because really, I don't have any worth talking about.

One other really important, at least for me, is blogging. I feel like I've been so wrapped up in my sister's mess, that I forgot about me. I forgot about my life and what I like and what I want to do. I love blogging and reading other blogs. It's fun and something I've enjoyed for almost four years. I don't want to quit and go off and drown myself in my sister's troubles. That's her life, not mine. It's horrible and sad and I wish to God I could change her situation, but I can't. I can only live my life the best I can, and enjoy whatever pleasure and happiness I can find in it.

In other words, I'm really back.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

Instead of crying myself to sleep last night, I went on a house cleaning rampage. From 8:30 p.m. (when my went to bed) until 4:40 a.m. I cleaned house like I was on speed. I even had a cup of coffee at 10 p.m. to keep me going, and it worked.

The house is spotless, at least the kitchen, dining and living room. Cleaning isn't something I enjoy, but it's a mindless task that kept my hands busy (no night-time eating).

After three hours of sleep, I got up and we put up the tree. We can't find the angel for the top. She's missing. I need to go out to the store anyway to get a few gifts for my husband, so I'll pick up another tree-topper angel. I'm sure the old one is packed away in the garbage somewhere, but I can't find it.

I thought about my sister when I finally crawled into bed. It's truly a sad situation, but there's nothing I can do to make it better. Just make sure she's in a warm, safe environment with good medical care.

A few people mentioned maybe I should see about moving her down here to live near me. I really thought about that while I was in Fairbanks the week after Thanksgiving. I was ready to do it. Then I watched my sister's interaction with her youngest daughter (she's 46). When this niece would walk into the room, my sister would light up with the biggest smile. When my niece bent over to kiss my sister, my sister took her good hand and reached up and touched my niece's cheek and stroked her hair. The particular niece has always had a very close bond with my sister. She visits my sister every day and gives me updates. The other niece (the crazy one) that lives in the same town has only been to see her mother once in five weeks.

Because of the love between my sister and my one niece (the sweet one), I can't break them apart. Even though it would make me feel better to have my sister near me, it would break my sister's heart, as well as my niece. I decided moving her to Seattle wasn't an option I was going to pursue.

I did talk to my sister's doctor a couple weeks ago about taking an anti-depressant and she agreed it would be a good idea. She's been on one for almost a week now, and the non-stop crying has stopped, but she's still not cooperative in her therapy.

About the diet and exercise
Yes, this is still a weight loss blog, even though my sister's situation has consume me lately. The eating has been pretty good. No junk food except a handmade candy cane three days ago (and it was awesome). I started tracking my food about three days ago, using the BodyMedia website and phone app.

My exercise has been really good this week, with the gym every day for the last seven days, plus 55-minute power walks at lunch on two days. Did I mention I have a new gym? L.A. Fitness and I love it! They bought out Bally Fitness (my old gym) and closed the one near my home. The L.A. Fitness I go to now is actually closer and about a hundred times nicer than Bally Fitness. Plus they have THREE really nice, always in working order StairMasters. Love it.

The only thing I don't love about L.A. Fitness is the free weight area. There's only one and it's too small with only about seven weight benches. Bally had three free weight areas and about fifteen benches. It's always packed with guys lifting super heavy weights. Really though, I appreciate it's new and clean, with nicer equipment.

I'm still going to Weight Watchers and need to get going for the 11:15 a.m. meeting, then the gym before they close at 2 p.m. today. I love the new Weight Watcher scanner app for my phone (see T.J.s post about it here). It's the coolest thing ever. Although I'm not tracking Points this week, doing calories with BodyMedia. Maybe next week I'll try Points again just so I can use the scanner.

Take care and everyone have a Merry Christmas!

Trying to find the spirit of Christmas

2011-12-23T20:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not in a very festive mood this Christmas. After a lot of debate about whether we should go to Fairbanks, we decided against it. The trip would be rushed since I have to be back at work on Tuesday. We chose Christmas at home.

Home...were there isn't a single Christmas decoration or wrapped gift. I haven't sent a single Christmas card this year or purchased a single gift. I'm just not feeling it. My husband is following my lead. I guess my dark mood is contagious.

My husband has asked me numerous times what I want for Christmas. I keep telling him nothing because it's the truth. There's nothing I want this year. No cool new gadget, no new clothes, no jewelry, nothing. There's nothing that can make me happy.

I know Christmas is more than decorations and gifts, and that's where I'm really feeling sad. My faith is shaken. I can't find any explanation why such a dreadful, horrible thing has happened to my wonderful sister. None of it makes any sense.

The status of my sister isn't good. She's very healthy and eating well. The prognosis is that she will live for many more years. That sounds good, but it's not. She won't participate in any physical, occupational or speech therapy. She refuses to cooperate with the therapists. In fact, she gets angry, screaming gibberish at them and pointing to the door of her room, wanting them to leave.

She refuses to even get out of bed and into a wheelchair. True, it's quite an ordeal for her since she's completely paralyzed on the right side it takes two people to assist her into the chair. I just don't understand how she can just lay in bed 24/7.

Last week she demanded all the family pictures be removed from her walls. She kept pointing to the wall and the door and finally my niece realized she was pointing to the pictures and wanted them out of her room. Now her walls are bare.

I didn't mean for this post to be about my sister, but she's always on my mind. I worry about her. I feel bad I'm not there, cheering her on. I know she's lonely and bored. She doesn't even enjoy watching TV. Our brother bought her an iPad and she refused to even touch it. He bought her a Nook and she wouldn't even look at it. She use to love her computer and loved to read. The words don't make any sense to her and she doesn't even seem to understand the concept of the computer.

I guess not being in a happy, festive mood is normal. I'm still shell-shocked over losing my sister. Basically, that's what happened. She's gone. I can't call her and talk for three hours, finding out we bought the exact same item or did something exactly the same that week. We had a lot of strange coincidences where we did the exactly same thing or had exactly the same thought. I'll never forget when she picked me up at the airport one summer and we were wearing the exact same designer sunglasses, with the same rhinestone pattern. I remember laughing hysterically when we'd talk on the phone for hours. I really miss her.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll write a more cheerful post. Maybe we'll put up the tree, buy a few presents. Maybe I'll write about my plans to lose twenty pounds by the time of the Big Climb on March 25. Or about my Weight Watcher meeting I'm attending tomorrow morning. For now, I think I'll just go cry myself to sleep.

What you should know if you have a stroke

2011-12-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Please note: if you don't want this entire post, I beg of you, scroll to the bottom and read the part about stroke symptoms. It's extremely important. Paste it into an email and send it to everyone you know and love.

Where has the time gone? I haven't posted for four weeks. Have I really been that busy?

I have been busy with trying to keep my sister's medical and financial manners in order. It's not an easy task and not one I would wish on my worst enemy. Lesson learned from this catastrophic event: DO NOT HAVE A DEBILITATING STROKE! More on this later.

I've been busy with work. I'm back at it and have a giant, scary project in front of me. Scary, as in I don't know how the hell I'm going to meet my deadline.

I've also been getting back into a daily exercise routine, which is something that was severely lacking for the last three months. Since my sister's September 21 stroke, I have not made myself a priority. My sister was number one on my radar. I fell into second place.

I read my last post and actually laughed out loud. I was really in the spirit of weight loss the day I posted that entry. Then I went to Fairbanks for a week and got caught up in the circumstances surrounding my sister. Weight loss and my health weren't important anymore.

Then I came down with the flu while in Fairbanks. Right in the middle of my week that was jam-packed with tasks. Somehow I made it through it, after holding up in my hotel room for 24 hours, living off of NyQuil.

Then it was back to work, to a world from where I'd been missing for most of four months. Since I broke my wrist August 6 I've either been out on extended illness leave for my wrist or on PTO for my sister.

I forgot what normal felt like. It's actually kind of nice to sit in my cubicle, in front of my computer and think about something other than my sister's tragedy. Her health and how I'm going to pay her bills, and function as her guardian and conservator have consumed me for the last three months. Stepping back into my real world was nice, but a shock to my system.

The last two weeks I've been exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not sure if it's the after effects of the flu or post traumatic shock syndrome of dealing with all things related to my sister. It's probably been a combination of both.

I didn't follow Weight Watchers nor did I count calories or track my food. Not even for a single day.

The past week I made it to the gym four times, two 30-minute workouts, one hour and 20-minute workout (Thursday) and yesterday for an hour. I feel my strength and energy coming back, although my left arm is still weak. Three months in a cast has pretty much decimated most of my muscle in my left arm. I still use 15 or 20 pounds on my right arm, but only 10 or 12 pounds on my left arm. Even the lighter weights are a struggle. I guess it'll just take time.

My weight today at home is 183.4. Since I was 184.4 at Weight Watchers four weeks ago, this means I've really gained a pound or two (since I weighed with clothes and after breakfast at Weight Watchers). If you're wondering, I'm going back to Weight Watchers today.

Considering all I've gone through in the last four weeks, there will be no "beating up of Diana" today. If there's one thing I've learned from the last four months, it's don't sweat the small stuff. There's enough big shit to worry about in life without worrying about the minutia.

Two pounds will come off easily, and the other thirty or so will come off too (albeit not quite as easy). I feel back in control of my eating and exercise. I care about what happens to me. I don't want to end up like my sister, stressed out about life, with high blood pressure and having a stroke. Trust me, you really don't want to go there. It's truly a fate worse than death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read this!

I took the information below from www.stroke.org. A family member that talked to my sister at 10 a.m. on the day of my sister's stroke said later that she had slurred speech that morning. Since my sister doesn't drink, this was a definite sign of a stroke. The family member is a trained CNA, and has taken numerous nursing classes. Yet she didn't recognize the slurred speech as a symptom of a stroke. She has expressed great remorse about this, but it doesn't matter now. It's too late for my sister, but maybe this will help someone else.

My sister wasn't taken to the hospital until 10 p.m. that night. Twelve hours after her first sign of having a stroke. This unfortunately sealed her fate to a life of being unable to speak, paralyzed and bedridden. If only she'd been taken to the emergency room that morning, things probably would have turned out so much better.

Please read it and remember it. The most important thing is to remember is get to an emergency room as quickly as possible. Time is critical. There's a drug they can give you that will actually stop the damage from the stroke. It's called a t-PA drip (one of the clot-busting drugs, there are others). The doctors in Fairbanks told me about it, but you have to get it within three hours of the first stroke symptom. It doesn't always work, but it gives you a fighting chance. My sister got to the hospital too late, and it's ruined her life.

Every minute-and-a-half, on average, someone in America suffers a stroke.

Warning Signs of Stroke

Learn the many warning signs of a stroke. Act FAST and CALL 9-1-1 IMMEDIATELY at any sign of a stroke.

Use FAST to remember the warning signs:

NOTE THE TIME WHEN ANY SYMPTOMS FIRST APPEAR. If given within three hours of the first symptom, there is an FDA-approved clot-buster medication that may reduce long-term disability for the most common type of stroke. There are also two other types of stroke treatment available that might help reduce the effects of stroke. Read more about stroke treatment.
Learn as many stroke symptoms as possible so you can recognize stroke as FAST as possible. Click here to download the FAST Wallet Card to keep areminder of stroke warning signs with you wherever you go!

Stroke symptoms include:

SUDDEN numbness or weakness of face, arm or leg - especially on one side of the body.
SUDDEN confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
SUDDEN trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
SUDDEN trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
SUDDEN severe headache with no known cause.

Call 9-1-1 immediately if you have any of these symptoms

Weight Watchers...it was like going home again

2011-11-26T16:37:00.001-08:00

I love Weight Watchers! Actually, I love my Weight Watcher leader, Janis. She is absolutely amazing, and very inspiring. She makes me think, makes me want to do better and best of all, she makes me laugh.

The thing about Weight Watchers is that it makes you focus on eating healthy, something that calorie counting alone doesn't really require. I feel excited to be back on a plan. Of course, this means what I eat and how much I exercise will become somewhat of an obsession for me (again). But that's okay. It's what I need right now

Now for the weighin, the post Thanksgiving Day weighin where I ate too much, including pumpkin pie and apple pie. The apple pie was a frozen pie made by Plush Pippin. If you've never had a Plush Pippin pie, well, you haven't lived. They're the best! It's all gone now, so now worries about it until Thanksgiving 2012. The Plush Pippin factory is actually in Kent, Washington, very near to where I live. Funny story but about ten years ago they had an overstock sale and you could buy pies for $1.00 each at their warehouse. I remember standing in line and buying ten pies. They were delicious...and I weighed about 240 pounds then. Now I get one pie a year and share it with my husband...only on Thanksgiving. They're off limits the other 364 days of the year.

I digress...I went from talking about my weighin to talking about pie. Not good. This is what I weighed this morning at Weight Watchers, after two cups of coffee, breakfast and I was fully dressed (obviously!). It's my true weight.

184.4

I'm really not upset by it, which is pretty amazing for me. I knew I'd gained weight the last few weeks because I wasn't paying attention. I'm one of those people that absolutely must constantly be aware of what I'm eating and how much. I gain weight easily when I'm not being careful.

This is my starting point. I have goals and the first one is to get under 180. I have a very busy schedule this next week, but I will eat carefully, and track my Points on my phone. I have a brand new Android Samsung Galaxy II S (the best phone ever!). The Weight Watcher app is easy to use so I won't have any excuses to not track.

The hotel I stay at in Fairbanks has a decent gym, with ellipticals and treadmills and a variety of weights. Unfortunately, there isn't a Stairmaster, but there are stairs in the hotel. Only eight floors, but it's something. I can do the elliptical then run the stairs a few times, plus do weights.

I just got home from the gym and now I have to pack. My left arm is still really weak. I can do dumbbell curls easily with my right arm at 15 pounds. My left arm can barely lift eight pounds. It's really pathetic. I'm surprised how three months in a cast and then another two weeks in a splint completely weakened my left arm. I don't have any noticeable muscle tone in my left arm. It's all flab. Really awful.. After my workouts it's so sore it aches. My right arm feels nothing because I kept lifting weights with it the entire time I had the cast. The doctor said it'll take at least six months to even get it close to what it was before my accident. More likely a year. Oh well...at least no surgery on it or it would have been a lot worse.

I probably won't have time to post while I'm in Fairbanks, but when I get back, hopefully life will calm down a bit and I can get back to reading blogs and posting regularly (and leaving comments on all your blogs!).

I'm really excited about Weight Watchers. After four years of being on and off of it, I feel like this is the right thing to do for myself right now. I need the structure and the accountability. It provides both. It's still hard work, but losing weight on any plan is hard work.

Weight Watchers...again!

2011-11-26T08:15:00.001-08:00

I quit Weight Watchers several months ago, right before I broke my wrist on August 6. It had lost it's charm, and I never like the new program that was introduced a year ago. Eat all the fruit you want "until you're full" confused me.

I started using the BodyMedia in August and dropped twenty pound in three months, but I've put some of that weight back on. Life happened, and I stumbled.

My sister had a major stroke, and I was in Fairbanks for six weeks of the last nine-week period dealing with a lot of family drama. These are excuses for my slip, but for once in my life I'm cutting myself a little slack on gaining weight.

The last few months have been hideous. It's not over yet, but I see some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm returning to Fairbanks tomorrow for five days. A lot of very serious financial decisions have to be made to secure my sister's future. I have meetings with a real estate attorney, an estate planning attorney, a tax accountant, two real estate agents, the tax assessor (who highly over-appraised her rental property) and my sister's doctor and her speech therapist.

So here I am, a year later, and I weigh close to what I weighed a year ago...at least I think I do. I didn't weigh this morning, but I know I'm within a few pounds (I was 180.4 January 3, 2011).

This means after a year, I've not accomplished much regarding my weight. I guess you could call it maintenance, but at 180+ I really need to lose weight, not maintain. I'm better off than I was in February 2008, when I weighed 240 pounds. I'm happy about maintaining a 60-pound loss, but I really need and want to lose weight.

Today, it's back to Weight Watchers. I just signed up online for the meetings. My plan is the 10 a.m. meeting. I have a lot to do today, do laundry and pack, but there are two things I have to do: Weight Watchers and the gym, in that order.

I'll post my weigh-in results later today. Since it's post-Thanksgiving, and I'll be dressed versus not dressed when I weigh at home, I'm sure I'll be up a few pounds. That's okay. I have to start somewhere.

High-bred diet????

2011-11-21T20:36:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with my brain. Sweet Ida posted that a "hybrid" diet of Weight Watchers and Body Media would probably work for me.

I read "hybrid"and thought "oh...so that's how you spell it!". I wrote "high-bred" diet this morning. It didn't look right and of course spell check didn't catch it either. Sometimes I scare myself with my stupidity.

Today didn't go well for eating or exercising. 4:30am wake-up call from work for a problem in Montana, then no gym because I had a 7 a.m. physical therapy appointment, then to work. No time for gym or breakfast, and no time to drink water today.

I came home feeling like I was starving to death. Overate.

Tomorrow will be better...I'll have a "high-bred" day of good eating and good exercise. :)

The dreaded Monday morning weighin

2011-11-21T05:57:00.001-08:00

Today's weigh in:

181.4

My last weigh in was on October 31, and I was 173.4. That's an eight-pound gain in three weeks. Ugh! It just proves I have to be vigilant and borderline obsessive when it comes to my weight and what I eat.

I have work to do. The Big Climb is March 25, 69 floors in the Columbia building in Seattle. Last year I was 176 pounds for the Big Climb, and it was hard! My goal this year is to weigh 160.

Four months and twenty pounds to lose.

Now I need a plan! I'm tossing around the idea of rejoining Weight Watchers. It helps me to weigh in every week with someone else. That alone is worth the $40/month, plus I love my Weight Watchers leader.

Most likely I'll still do my calorie counting because I love my BodyMedia. It's weight loss plan is exercise, calorie counting and journaling (online). Maybe a hybrid diet of Weight Watchers and BodyMedia. Sound good?

A gain of 5 or 6 pounds? Who did I think I was kidding?

2011-11-19T15:32:00.001-08:00

I'm all dressed for the gym. My BodyMedia is on my left arm, along with my Polar Heart rate monitor (which I LOVE!). I've entered my food into the BodyMedia website, calories consumed (so far, 867 and it's 3:45 p.m. - I allow myself 1500).

I noticed something. My workout shirt feels snugger. In my last post I casually mentioned I thought I'd gained a few pounds in the last ten days. The shirt I'm wearing, a t-strap tank, is definitely tighter than it was ten days ago. I remember it billowing around me and that it felt too big. Now it fits, but I prefer the "billowing" effect.

I still haven't weighed. That alone is a sign that in my heart I know I've gained probably more than a "few pounds". My last weigh-in was October 31, 173.4. I bet I'm at least 180 right now, or even more. I know my body. It feels heavy. I felt it yesterday on the StairMaster, the strong pull of gravity when my body gets to a certain weight.

So far today the food has been good. I've really missed fresh fruits and vegetables. Even though my hotel had a microwave and fridge, we ate out almost every meal during my ten days in Fairbanks.

Tomorrow will be my big weigh in, to figure out where I am and what I need to do. I have the Big Climb 2012 on March 25, and I'd really like to lose 20 pounds by then. Regardless of my current weight - which is unknown right now - I want to lose 20 pounds.

The skies are almost black here, looks like rain or maybe even snow. Guess I'd better get my big, fat derriere to the gym before I find an excuse to stay home, all warm and cozy by the fireplace.

I am...my sister (well, sort of)

2011-11-19T05:27:00.001-08:00

Joyce, 1992...on their property in Alaska, before they built their house. This was an old travel trailer where they stayed on weekends while their house was being build. Check out those legs.

This is Joyce November 13, 2011. She'd just had her first shower in five weeks. Since she started eating again two weeks previous to this picture (after four weeks of not eating anything), she decided she wanted to get better. I'm doing her hair. She was beautiful after the hair and makeup, but the pictures of her with the family were weird. Something was wrong with her smile. It was more of a grimace. Her best friend told me I couldn't show them to anyone because Joyce would be horrified.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joyce update (my sister, 73 years old, had a stroke on September 21, 2011)

I'm home and filled with emotions.

My last post was the day of the court hearing. That day was actually very easy. Even though I was a little nervous sitting in front of a judge, in a court room, it went well. I was represented by the assistant Attorney General as well as the Adult Protective Services. It was a done deal before the hearing even started. I was appointed to be my sister's guardian and conservator.

This gave me full control over her medical decisions, and full responsibility of her financial obligations. Unfortunately, all her assets, her home and 100 acres, her apartment complex she owns, her savings and checking accounts, as well as a stock portfolio, were all tied up inside of a family trust. The person in control of that trust, yes, you guessed it...the crazy niece who was refusing to pay any bills.

This meant I had to hire an attorney and petition the court to become the successor trustee. It took about three days for my attorney to gather affidavits from everyone involved, including affidavits from my other niece and my brother to renounce their positions as successor trustee in the second and third positions. The Attorney General stepped in and put a lock on all assets with a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order which the court awarded in 24 hours). This prevented the other niece from touching the assets.

After all of this, "the" niece called my attorney and agreed to voluntarily renounce her position as the #1 trustee. She signed the paperwork at my attorney's office yesterday. She also left a giant box of paperwork regarding my sister's finances at my attorney's office.

I'm now the successor trustee of the trust, and now the real work begins. Sorting out my sister's finances, paying bills (including filing her 2010 income taxes), and selling some of her property. This is all on top of dealing with her doctor, her physical, occupational, and speech therapists. As well as the staff at her assisted living home, that I'm in contact with several days a week, checking on the status of my sister.

I'm returning to Fairbanks the week after Thanksgiving to meet with a real estate attorney and an estate attorney. I need help figuring out how to best manage all this stuff. Apparently there are laws regarding managing an apartment complex, either I have to manage it (representing my sister as the owner), or hire someone with a real estate license. There's also a thing called a Miller Trust that may help protect her home. All stuff to ask the attorneys.

I've taken on quite a bit of responsibility and feel a bit overwhelmed right now. Since I'm being watched by the courts, my every move has to be documented.

This morning I'm going to dig into QuickBooks, so I have a complete accounting of her finances.

The good news is my sister is eating like she's probably never eaten in her life. Yesterday she had apple pancakes and bacon. I doubt she's eaten like this since she was a teenager. For as long as I've known her she's always been on a diet. Always watching every bite she ate, being super careful. She's getting stronger and getting into a wheelchair twice a day for an hour at a time. She's totally different than she was three weeks ago. Her will to live has returned. Thank God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The diet and exercise update

There's not a lot to say on this topic. I tried to eat healthy while in Fairbanks during my last stay (ten days in a hotel...ugh!).

My sister's best friend flew up from Palm Springs and stayed with me for the ten days I was there. She's now my BFF. I love her! Her name is Charlie and she's hysterical to be around. She had me laughing at the most serious situations. I met Charlie a few times in the past but never spent much time with her. This gave us a great opportunity to become fast friends. Now I totally understand why she and my sister have been BFFs for over 25 years.

Charlie is skinny and gorgeous, but she works hard to look as fabulous as she does (she's 60, but my God that woman has a hot body). I followed her lead on eating, but after about five days I felt like I was starving to death and started eating a little more.

I cropped my sister out of this picture. Even though she really is gorgeous, with her hair all curled and makeup, the picture doesn't look like her. She's always had perfect teeth (still does) and a perfect smile. It's like she can't remember how to smile. Since I promised Charlie I wouldn't show it to anyone, I cropped her out. Isn't Charlie gorgeous? The woman should be a standup comic, and she has a heart of gold. Love her!

I know I've gained some weight and I haven't been on the scales yet. Not a lot of weight, probably about five or six pounds. My clothes all fit, but I feel fluffier. Although Charlie works out at home on a regular basis, she just wasn't into it while we were in Fairbanks. In those ten days I only worked out three times. Not good.

I was back at the gym yesterday, doing the StairMaster (preparing for the Big Climb 2012, March 25). I managed 30 minutes but thought I was going to die. I only completed 105 floors. How on earth was I doing 130 floors on that thing a year ago? I swear I couldn't have gone any faster.

Today, it's the gym again, but now I'm wearing my BodyMedia and tracking my food. Just because I have some major things going on, it's not a reason to stop paying attention to my diet and exercise. In fact, it's really important right now that I stay healthy.

Did I mention how happy I am to be home? I'm super happy to be home with my husband and kitty. Yes, in that order. :)

One last picture for you...the Fairbanks International Airport, November 15, at 2:30pm. Check out that sun. It was -20 degrees (that's below zero), and dropped to -36 that night.

Today is the day

2011-11-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't discussed the real reason I'm in Fairbanks because it was kind of top secret. Since all involved parties now know why I'm here, and the court hearing is at 11 a.m. today, I can talk about it.

On Tuesday of last week I received two very disturbing phone calls. I'd only been home for three days, having returned from a three-week stay in Fairbanks to help care for my sister in her home (two weeks) and then help her transition to an assisted living home (another week).

The first phone call was from the owner of the assisted living home where my sister resides. She was very upset regarding my crazy niece's last two visits to my sister on October 30 and 31. The first visit involved my niece and four teenage boys she brought with her (two children were my niece's sons and two were another niece's grandsons). There was a lot of disruption, with my niece screaming at the boys to behave and then demanding the staff make lunch for the four boys. Not only was my sister upset, but so was the staff and the other residents of the home. The owner was very upset, but there was more.

The second visit involved the Alaska State Protective Services (APS), which were called by the owner of the home during the second visit on Oct. 31. My niece became verbally abusive to both women when they discussed the previous day's visit. She screamed at them that she wanted her mother moved out of the home to the Pioneers Home (an institution-like setting), and furthermore, all her mother's money was gone (there was $50,000 cash in my sister's bank accounts five weeks ago, my niece had me look at the accounts online). She stated she wasn't paying next month's fee of $7,500. All of this was said (screamed) in front of my sister.

APS called me next, and reiterated everything the owner of the home had told me.

Both the owner of the home and APS requested I immediately file for emergency full guardianship of my sister. This had been discussed at length during the previous weeks. Even though my sister has three daughters, none of them are capable of handling her medical and financial affairs.

I discussed this with my other niece, the one that's clinically depressed and has been for seventeen years. She's on a lot of medications for her mental condition and is barely holding on. Both her and her husband (the saint that helped care for my sister during the two weeks after her release from the hospital), agreed I was the best choice. This niece doesn't feel like she can handle it, and I understand. She's extremely close to her mother and she's best at sitting by my sister's bed and holding her hand. Paperwork, paying bills and handling tough decisions isn't something she's capable of doing.

Of course I didn't talk to my other niece, the one that has caused extreme mental distress for this entire family, and especially for my sister. She's already proven she can't handle the responsibility.

There's a third niece that I've only seen twice since my sister's stroke. She lives here (for free in one of the apartments that my sister owns, about 1/2 mile from he home where my sister resides). She's caused a lot of problems for my sister since she was adopted at six years old (she's the only adopted daughter). She came from a home with two alcoholic parents that were charged with abandonment. She came with a lot of emotional and mental issues. She was basically written out of the trust by my sister, so she's really not even in the picture when it comes to the care of my sister.

In the past three days, I would awake every morning at 3:30 a.m., get up and work on a document I was writing for the court. It outlined the series of events that led me to the decision to apply for full guardianship. I would work on it for three hours each morning. The document only touched on a few of the things my niece has done over the last seven weeks, since my sister's stroke. I was preparing it for the Court Visitor, who makes the final decision in the guardianship, both the emergency hearing (which is today) and the final decision for permanent guardianship (which will be in February). Even though it was just a snapshot of some of the horrors that have happened, it was eight pages long. Fortunately, the Court Visitor told me more information is better than less. She was glad I'd written such a lengthy document, to help her with her decision.

I met with the Court Visitor yesterday, and we discussed for an hour the reasons I was applying for guardianship. She almost couldn't believe some of the things I told her about my niece. She told me it was almost a slam-dunk that I would be awarded guardianship. The big gun for me is that the State of Alaska Attorney General's office has filed the petition on my behalf, along with APS (they even waived the fees since they were filing). They both recommend me as guardian for my sister. In addition, they'll have a lawyer from the Attorney General's office in court today to represent me.

It's sort of odd how things work out. The Court Visitor told me she'd stop by and visit my sister yesterday afternoon. I headed over to see my sister at 11 a.m., and brought my sister a bouquet of fresh flowers, a new makeup mirror to put on her beside table so she can learn how to apply her own makeup (something she hasn't even tried yet and I've been doing for her every day), and a new picture to put on one of her walls. At the same time I was arriving, there was Carrie Ann, the Court Visitor. How odd that she actually came in the morning when she said she was coming in the afternoon, and that I was arriving at the exact same time.

She talked with my sister about the guardianship, and my sister indicated she understood. Both my brother and I had already explained it to her, and why I was taking control away from her daughter. As the Court Visitor talked to my sister, she started to cry, but I expected she would cry. The entire issue with her daughter has been very upsetting to her. It breaks my heart that I can't fix her daughter for her, but at least I can protect my sister from her craziness. My sister indicated to the Court Visitor that she was okay with the change. I know my sister never expected that with having four children (her son committed suicide 20 years ago), that her baby sister (me - 17 years younger than my sister) would have to take over her affairs some day.

Another odd event, I've been staying at the Westmark Hotel here in Fairbanks. I love this hotel. It's where our crew stays (I work for an airline that flies into Fairbanks) and I get a really good rate. They upgraded me to a suite this time for the same price (so I don't have to eat out!). It's also only two blocks from my sister's assisted living home. I feel safe in this hotel, and it's very comfortable (with awesome staff).

When I asked to extend my stay through Friday they told me I'd have to move out for 10/7 and 10/8. I pleaded and begged to stay, they said there was a convention and 14 people ahead of me on a wait list. The timing was all wrong for me to have to move (I needed my internet connection to remain unbroken...court documents, emails, etc.). Every day I'd check with the front desk (they all know me). I asked about their no-show factor (there are 400 rooms here - there must be no-shows). They said they rarely have even one no-show, and sorry, but I'd have to leave for those two days. Guess what? Yesterday morning as I was reluctantly looking online for another hotel the front desk called my room. There were 25 no-shows and I could stay here for the rest of my stay through Friday.

It's so weird how so many things have fallen into place for me throughout this entire ordeal. Just odd little things that have made things much easier to deal with.

One tiny thing happened two nights ago that annoyed the hell out of me. Someone stole my extension cord that I used to plug in my rental car. I have to park in back of the hotel where they have deadbolt heaters and yesterday morning, the extension cord was missing. It belongs to the rental car agency, and I'm going to have to buy another one in case the temperature plunges below zero. It's been hovering above zero (like + 5 or +10 degrees), but tomorrow it's suppose to get down to -12 degrees.

It's been non-stop snowing since I got here and the roads are beyond horrible. I had two really close call car accidents yesterday. Both by giant pickup trucks that practically ran me over, through no fault of my own. They act like they own the freaking road, whipping through parking lots, not paying attention to anyone else. I have a tiny Ford Focus. It must be the world's smallest car. Maybe they don't see me because it's so tiny, but my heart practically stopped twice yesterday when I had two near misses with pickup trucks. Fortunately, no accidents so far, but it's sure scary driving around here. The car stops really well, it just can't take off very well on the ice. It doesn't have studded snow tires which I find really strange. I also often can't tell where the road is, or if it's two lanes or one because there's so much ice and snow packed on the roads. Hopefully I'll make it through the rest of the week accident free.

It's almost 6 a.m. so I'm going to get dressed and head over to the gym (they call it "the club" here, it's kind of a nice gym). I'm not sure if I mentioned it but I spoke to the salesperson at the gym where my sister has gone five days a week for almost four years, and asked for a week long free pass. I told them why I was here, and that I live in Seattle and wasn't going to join their gym. I indicated that my sister is still paying for her membership, and she can't use it since she had a stroke, so could I get a pass to go with my niece to water aerobics. They said yes (although I hate water aerobics but I'll go if she goes...she's not going today...this is my good niece).

I'm going to do some cardio and weights, to get myself prepared for the battle of my life today. I expect fireworks if my crazy niece shows up, and I'm pretty sure she'll be there. My other niece, her husband and my brother will all be there to support me. It should be interesting. :)

Greetings from Fairbanks

2011-11-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I remembered why I moved away from here 25 years ago. It's too cold!

For the first time in my entire life, I arrived at the airport here in Fairbanks and there was no one to greet me and give me a ride to their house. It used to be my mom, then my sister and her husband, then just my sister, then my crazy niece, then my almost depressed niece and her husband, and now....no one.

My brother offered to pick me up, but he lives about 20 miles from the airport. Since I was going to my hotel and renting a car so I wouldn't be stranded for a week, I told him there really wasn't a need for him to meet me at the airport.

It was an odd experience to come down the stairs to baggage and not see a smiling face greeting me. I didn't cry, but there certainly was a feeling of loss.

I got my bag and picked up my keys for the rental car. Walking out to the car in freezing cold and dark at 5:30 p.m. was quite an experience. It was at the end of parking lot at the airport. It's a small airport but dragging my giant suitcase, backpack and my 20-pound purse through the ice and snow to get to it was a challenge.

The doors and trunk of the car were frozen shut. I found one door that I was able to force open and then crawled in and managed to get the driver's door open from the inside. I never got the trunk open, and put my bags in the back seat.

When I got in the car the light for the trunk said it was open. I guess technically it thought it was open but it was shut tight with ice. I finally forced it open with the snow scraper so I could shut it. I thought it was at least 20 degrees below zero, but it was actually 17 degrees above. This is exactly why I moved away from here. Alaska is beautiful and there's a lot to love about this state, but the cold weather is NOT one of them.

I drove to the hotel and my suite is really nice. They upgraded me for the same price as my regular room ($72 a night for my airline discount - can't beat it). I have a microwave and fridge, a little kitchen with a table and chairs, a sitting room with chairs, TV and a computer desk, and then the bedroom with it's own TV. It's not a separate room, but has a half wall. It's pretty nice, although it's a bit large and I keep misplacing things (like my phone!).

After getting settled into the hotel room last night, I went to see my sister. She was asleep so I sat next to her and held her hand. She woke up, saw me and started to cry. She cried for about ten minutes, even though I kept telling her it was okay. For some reason, I didn't cry, but just held her hand and tried to comfort her. She felt like ice and the room was freezing cold. She only had a sheet and a thin cotton blanket on her. The week I was here before she had a down comforter on her every day. There was another blanket in the room which I put on her and she pulled it up to her neck and said "ahhhh!". I know she must have been freezing.

She kept trying to tell me things but I couldn't understand a word of what she was saying. She tried spelling words but I still couldn't get it what she wanted to tell me. I visited for about an hour, but my migraine headache was starting and I was starving. I told her I was going back to my hotel to sleep and kissed her goodnight.

I talked to the nurses and they said she hadn't eaten a bite of anything for two days, Wednesday and Thursday. Since they put the morphine patch on her on Tuesday, all she's been doing is sleeping. They started the morphine patch at the insistence of my crazy niece, because she wants her to sleep all the time. I don't like this one bit and am going to do what I can to get my sister back on the morphine drops, on an as needed basis. My sister can't get better if she doesn't eat and is sleeping 24/7.

I have a huge list of things to do today, talk with my sister's doctor, speech and physical therapists, bring my sister a strawberry milkshake from the homemade ice cream place down the street, and some organic bananas (she used to eat one every day), pick up the book on how to recover from a stroke from Barnes and Noble (should have done that last week), check with the home care people that visited her yesterday (who are they?), look at the bed sore on her heel and check her backside for bed sores, buy her some reading glasses at 2.25. I asked both nieces to do that while I was gone and neither one did. We forgot to bring a pair of hers from home when we moved her, and the only ones the the hotel gift shop I bought her the last time I was here were 1.75.There's one other thing I have to check on but I can't talk about it yet. It's the real reason I'm here.

Number one thing right now is I'm heading down to the hotel gym to workout. I have to keep myself healthy and working out is really important now. Eating wasn't perfect last night, but not a total disaster. I started out tracking my food, but by last night I was too tired, too hungry and my head hurt too much to really even care about it. Today is a new day, and I'll do my best to track my food. At least I'll write down what I'm eating. I bought a few groceries last night so I can eat in my room, which will really help keep the calories in line.

Wish me luck today, it's going to be a rough one.

Leaving on a jet plane...again and again and again

2011-11-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

For the third time in almost six weeks I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Fairbanks. Thanks Google for the free wi-fi at SeaTac.

This trip is going to be a hard one, but what I have to do is necessary. Ethically and morally I don't really have any other options. I can't go into details right now, but I'll post about it after it's all over.

58 days of tracking
I was inspired by Tony's post, Kim Kardashian 72 Day Trim Down. I have also needed to get back to tracking my food. Since my sister's stroke almost six weeks ago I haven't tracked a single day, not even one meal. I have a plan for this trip, I'm going to track all my food. It's the start of the Diana 58-day Trim Down plan. There are 58 days until 2012.

I would love to get to 160 by 2012. It sounds like a reasonable goal. Two months and 13 pounds. It's not a crazy number, although it is the holidays. Add in that there's going to be a lot of pressure on me the next few months. I guess that's why it's even more important than ever to really keep on top of what I'm eating and to keep up on the exercise. I could see myself easily gain a bunch of weight. Well, it's not going to happen if I can help it.

When I get back home I'll get back to using my BodyMedia. I haven't use it at all the last six weeks. I just didn't have time for such a luxury (ah...the good old days when all I had to worry about was the size of my pants). For now I'll just use a little notebook I carry in my purse and track my food and exercise.

Luckily my room is a suite this time at the Westmark (my favorite Fairbanks hotel). I'll have a microwave and fridge so I can heat up a few things in my room and not eat out for every meal. That will not only save money, but save calories too. I'm really sick of eating out.

Well, it's time to head on over to my gate. Boarding is in ten minutes. I hope to have time in Fairbanks to read a few blogs and actually comment. I miss you guys!

Insanity: is it contagious?

2011-11-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since my last post.

After a disastrous lunch with my craziest niece last Saturday, where I attempted to make peace with her, I flew home on Sunday. There is no reasoning with a crazy person. Lesson learned.

I was an emotional basket case when I got home. For the first time in my life I felt like I was losing my mind. After weeks of barely sleeping, even though I was taking Ambien nightly, I felt crazy. Add to that an incredible amount of stress because of my sister's situation and my totally insane and evil niece, I couldn't stop crying. My husband couldn't comfort me, nothing made me feel better. Even sitting in the back yard here at home, with the sun on my face and the fall leaves falling around me with my kitty chasing after them, all I could do was cry. I cried for almost twelve hours straight.

I realize I had just gone through five weeks of high stress and little sleep, but I also believe the Ambien was messing with my head. I decided to forgo the Ambien that night. It was a very rough night, with a three-hour period from midnight to 3 a.m. where I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop crying. I was also having the worst migraine headache of my life. I'd been having severe headaches for three weeks, but this one was off the charts in the pain level.

When I closed my eyes all I could see were bright shooting lights. I'd been having the lights problem for weeks, but this time it was intense. I couldn't picture anything in my head, just the lights. When I finally fell back to sleep around 3 a.m. I had a dream, the first dream I could recall in the past three weeks.

I was climbing up a stairwell, dressed in workout clothes. It was similar to the Big Climb I did last March. In front of me was one of my nieces (the depressed one) and behind me was her husband but he only had one leg. The other leg was a stump sticking through his cut off pants leg. This is the niece and her husband that I spent two weeks with while we were caring for my sister at her house. We were together almost every minute during that time.

As we were climbing, each step became more difficult. I turned to my niece's husband and told him to go in front of me. He went up in front of my niece. Suddenly, I turned around and started running down the stairs as fast as I could go. I could see myself running, my ponytail swinging. I was laughing and so happy. I was going as fast as I could go. Then I reached the bottom and had to turn around and start back up the stairs. Each step was difficult. Then I woke up.

This dream made me realize I'm not crazy, and I'm going to be okay. It was a very rough five weeks, and there are more things that need to be taken care of, but I'm not losing my mind. I feel more at peace and sane than I have in weeks.

Sister update
On 9/21 we moved my sister to an assisted living home that specializes in hospice care. It's a nice place and one I found by calling all twelve of the assisted living homes in Fairbanks. Only two had a bed and could care for someone like my sister. This home has an R.N. and several L.P.N.s and a staff of 16 for 14 residents. They seemed better equipped to deal with my sister's needs.

The move was horrific. Considering how we'd had a phone conversation two weeks before her stroke about how awful it would be to have stroke and how we'd rather die, we also talked about how awful it would be to move into an assisted living home.

I've never seen my sister cry as hard as when they placed her in the bed in the home. She barely shed a tear when her husband past away two years ago (after 51 years of marriage). She just doesn't cry. But that day, she couldn't stop.

On the day of the move my sister hadn't eaten more than a couple bites of food in 33 days and barely drank any water.

Then a weird thing happened. At the home she starting eating and drinking a lot of water. She doesn't eat a lot, maybe five bites of apple pancake for breakfast or a little 4-ounce container of yogurt for lunch and some jello for dinner. But she's eating!

She's also talking non-stop (stroke talk I call it), and sometimes I pick up a word here and there. She also spells words, but jumbles her letters. Except for two days she kept spelling E-???-E, over and over. It sounded like "e-l-e" but she kept shaking her head no. Then one time she said E-???-E-R. Exercise?! Do you want to exercise?!!! A big nod yes. I asked if she wanted to move her paralyzed side. The occupational therapist had showed me some exercises to do with her to keep the muscles moving and I had pleaded with my sister for five weeks to let me do them for her, and always got an emphatic NO. Now she wanted to do exercises. So we did. I asked her if it hurt and she said "a little". I asked if we could keep doing them and she nodded yes.

I talked to her about getting a speech therapist and a physical therapist and she agreed. She wants to get better. I called her doctor and she's arranged for both the ST and the PT to come to the home. Woohoo!

Something transpired in the past two days that is requiring me to return to Fairbanks tonight. I can't go into details, but I'll write more about it later. Don't worry, I'm going to be okay. Whatever happened to me on Sunday has passed. I'm completely off Ambien and have been sleeping. I feel more calm and at peace than I have in months.

About my weight loss
I didn't forget this is really a weight loss blog. I weighed yesterday, after getting my cast removed and I'm 173.4. I was 180.8 when I went to Fairbanks almost five weeks ago on September 22. My plan was to eat carefully but not starve myself. I went out to eat often the last week while at the hotel, but I chose my meals carefully and almost always only ate half of what I was served, leaving the other half on my plate.

For the five weeks I was gone, I had to stay in a hotel for two weeks. The hotel gym was pretty decent, and I worked out there as much as I could.

In case you're wondering, I can't stay with crazy niece because, well, she's crazy (mean crazy). I can't stay with depressed niece because even though she's nice, she doesn't clean her house. So not only is she incredibly depressing to be around (she cries all the freaking time), my allergies go nuts at her house. We went there one night for dinner, and I thought I was going to stop breathing because of all the dust and dog hair. My brother, who I adore, lives out of town and is married to an alcoholic (she went on a big drinking binge while I was there). Ha! And you thought your family was nuts!

My broken wrist update
Well, it's indeed a miracle. My majorly fractured, almost broken in two pieces, scaphoid bone in my wrist has healed and grown back together after three months in a cast. My orthopaedic doctor (Dr. Callahan) and the number one orthopaedic hand/wrist surgeon in Washington (Dr. Buckmiller) looked at my x-rays on Monday. They couldn't believe it, but the bone has grown back together. This almost never happens since this bone has difficulty healing because of a lack of blood supply. They had even told me to expect to have surgery even after three months in a cast. Now no surgery is needed (thank you Jesus...and I really mean that!). I told my husband it was all that wiping my sister's butt after we had to give her an enema at the house (that was three days I'll never forget!).

They made me a custom molded type splint/cast thing that fastens with Velcro. It has a cotton liner (like a stocking thing), and I have two of them. They're washable!

I can take it off to shower or wash my hands. I can take it off to watch TV. I have physical therapy and lots of exercises to do here at home with my wrist. Since it was in a cast for so long, some of the mobility is gone and I'm working on getting it back. I'm still not allowed to lift weights to do bicep curls, but I can use that arm for any machines where the hand isn't doing the work (like lat raises and some other machines). My left wrist (the one that was casted) is 1/2" smaller than my right wrist and my left forearm is a a whole inch smaller than my right forearm, and same for my left bicep, it's one inch smaller too. Definitely some muscle loss and a lot of flabbiness in my upper arm. Probably a little of my weight loss, maybe a pound or so, is from this muscle loss. Oh well, I can get it back, it'll just take some time.

I go back to work on November 16, and I'm really looking forward to it. I have this thing to take care of in Fairbanks this week and I'll get to visit my sister, but life isn't bad right now. In fact, being home for a few days has made me realize just how precious life is and how much I appreciate what I have here. My job, my husband, my kitty, and most of all, my sanity.

Thank you
Lastly, but most importantly (for the few that have read through this incredibly long post), thank you for all your kind comments and emails. I haven't responded to any of you or comment on your blogs because until this week, I only had one hand to type with and it was pretty difficult to even get a post typed up. Soon I will be back to reading blogs and back to my real life. Thanks again for all your support. You really have no idea how much it meant to me during a very difficult and dark time in my life.

Can it really get any worse?

2011-10-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

First, a huge thank you for all of your kind words and support. I read every comment and they fill my heart with gratitude. Each comment is very much appreciated and greatly lifts my spirits.

Friday was a horrific day. We moved my sister to the assisted living home for hospice care. Even though I had explained to her several times that she was moving so her daughter (the insane one) would come visit her, at the last minute my sister decided she didn't want to go. It was beyond horrible. The crying and moaning tore my heart into pieces.

After she was moved by ambulance she became non-communicative.She didn't want anything to do with any of us. She fell asleep or pretended to fall asleep. My crazy niece came by for five minutes and then left.

Crazy niece didn't even visit yesterday. I was there all day and had a great visit with my sister for several hours. My other niece who is now seriously depressed only stayed a few hours. She was diagnosed as clinically depressed for the past 17 years and is on a multitude of drugs, bipolar,anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic and several anti-depressants. She's a sweet girl (well, 46 year old woman), but she's not much fun to hang out with. My brother came by a couple of times, bringing me his laptop and a giant TV for our sister's room. He's a laugh a minute so he hung out with us for a few hours.

My sister napped off and on, but was awake most of the time I was there, from 9am to 7:30pm with a break when I went out to lunch and Walmart (yuk!) for some nails to hang pictures. She told me which pictures to hang and where. Her wedding picture made her cry and cry. It was so sad I thought I was going to die. She started talking very sweetly to the picture, and touching her husband's face in the picture, and cried. I told her it was okay to cry. It was just me and crying wasn't a bad thing. I couldn't understand her words but I think she was saying how much she missed him and loved him. I told her I knew she missed her husband of 51 years, and I told her how lucky she was to have been treated like a princess for all those years. We both cried and I held her.

We had a lot of laughs yesterday too. I was trying to adjust her pillows and was having a heck of a time getting them in the position she wanted without pulling her hair. I told I was sorry I was Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but I was never trained in pillow fluffing. She yelled out "Ouch!", then laughed and laughed. She still has her sense of humor.

It was a really great day with her. The people that work at the home are really nice and the owner that lives there is amazing and a great help in helping me accept this situation.

Unfortunately my crazy niece called me when I got back to the hotel. She wants to get a morphine patch put on her mother so she'll be basically unconscious. My sister has sublingual morphine drops for pain, which work fine when she needs them. She doesn't need a patch with constant morphine.

My niece got hysterical when I told her that her mother was drinking a lot of water. No food, but water. My niece insisted I was pouring it down her throat or holding the glass. I'm not, my sister holds the glass and drinks it.

The conversation went really bad when I lost my temper over the morphine patch and then Linda said she couldn't visit because she "has three young boys" to take care of. I've heard this excuse thousands of times in the last four weeks. The "young" boys are 16, 14 and 9 and she has a husband that's perfectly capable of caring for them. For the very first time in four weeks I completely lost it and called her a stupid, crazy bitch, and I was sick to death of hearing about her "three f--king boys". Yes, not my finest moment but honest to God, I've had it with this woman. She may be my niece, but when this is over if I never hear her whiny voice or see her ugly, angry face again, I will be happy.

I just want my sister's final days to be peaceful and comfortable. I want her to laugh and not be afraid and worried. Water is part of comfort care. My niece wants to withhold water, but fortunately it's in my sister's living trust to provide sustenance such as water and bread for comfort, just no feeding tubes. The morphine patch is ridiculous. She doesn't need it.

I've blocked my crazy niece's phone numbers from my cell phone (there's an app that does that). If she visits her mother today (highly unlikely), I'll leave until she's gone. My hotel is two blocks from the home, so not a problem to just leave for a while. I know if she does visit it'll only be for a few minutes. Without me there for her to attack, it'll be better for everyone. Luckily for me her reputation is well known. I talked to Adult Protection Services yesterday and they knew all about the crazy niece. They work with the local hospital and had already received phone calls about my niece.

Did I mention during the four days I was in Seattle she went to the hospital business office demanding to see someone in charge? No one was available so she laid her body down on the floor, blocking the entrance into the business office. She was physically carried out by security. Just one of her many crazy stunts these last four weeks, documented by the hospital and the police.

My husband is flying up today. When I broke down a couple night's ago after a crazy niece encounter and couldn't stop crying so I could even talk to him, he said he'd fly up. I can't wait to see him.

I'm sure today is going to be a better day. I'll avoid crazy niece, and I get to see my husband. And I still get to make my sister laugh.

Death becomes her

2011-10-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

Today marks day 30 since my sister's stroke, and also day 30 of no food and very little water.

It's a strange thing, watching my sister die. Each day, a little more of her slips away. She's a little less aware, a little thinner, and laughing a little less.

Yesterday was a wretched, horrible day. She can no longer get out of bed because it's too painful. Her paralyzed side, with all it's intact and working nerve endings, tortures her with pain if we try to move her even half an inch. Her doctor, who makes house calls, said it's not worth it to move her and have her in so much pain. The morphine sublingual drops don't even help with that intense pain. She doesn't want to move and since the time is short, she remains in one position, on her back, where she is the most comfortable.

I spent several hours alone with her yesterday, as she sat in bed, staring out the picture window, looking at the river and the snow. I did everything I could to make her smile. She would only look at me with tears in her eyes. I kept asking her what was wrong, besides the fact she was dying, why was she so unhappy.

Once again, as she has several times in the past several days, she spelled "E.....L.....I!" I know what this means and it breaks my heart. I asked her, are you asking about Linda again? (heavy sigh on my part) A big nod yes from my sister. Linda, my sister's oldest daughter (49), who lives only ten miles down the road, has not come to see her mother since October 1.

There are a lot of things I could say about Linda, but I hesitate to say anything. I know she's mentally ill, but right now I can't excuse her behavior. Linda told me today that she can't bear to see her mother like this because it hurts her too much. A lot of responses went through my head, mostly that I wanted to tell her she's a spoiled, self-centered little bitch, but instead, I told her I understood and that it was okay.

After spending several hours with Linda today (she's finally talking to me again), she has agreed if we move my sister to a hospice for her last few days, she will visit her there. She just can't come to the house where she only had happy memories. It would ruin it for her.

Again, the thoughts in my head were quite different from what I said to her. I hate the idea of another ambulance ride for my sister. It will be her fourth in four weeks, but this one will be one-way to the hospice. I think dying at home would be better, but I also know my sister's dying wish is to see this daughter. We have almost everything lined up to move my sister tomorrow to the hospice.

My other niece (46) and her husband haven't left my sister's side. The sad part of this is that this niece, sweet, mild mannered and kind, suffers from severe depression. The kind of clinical depression that leads to suicide. There have been many attempts over the years, several were almost successful.

My sister was not only her mother, but her best friend, her support and her confidante. This is a very difficult time for this niece, and I'm not sure she's going to pull through what is undoubtedly the most catastrophic event of her life.

Funny thing about my sister. She's always been a great beauty, she had movie star good looks in the fifties. People would often comment on her beauty. Even though she's 73, she's still gorgeous. She never thought she was pretty. Each day, as she gets weaker and thinner, she becomes even more beautiful. Her wrinkles are disappearing. Her eyes are bluer than I've ever seen them. When she blesses me with a smile, my heart melts.

I already miss her.

I'm mis-er-a-ble

2011-10-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Fairbanks at my sister's house. I came back on October 7 to help care for my sister, along with my youngest niece (46) and her husband (a living angel). We're my sister's caregivers, along with CNAs that come a few hours a week, and an R.N. that comes once a week. Now we also have an ANP making a weekly house call (Advanced Nurse Practitioner).

Today is day 26 of my sister refusing all food and drinking very little water (less than 8 ounces a day). I honestly don't know how she's staying alive. She was 160 pounds when this started and now she's very thin.

There was (and still is) some serious family drama going on involving my oldest niece (she's 49). She has the medical power of attorney for my sister as well as executor of her estate. She has pretty much lost her mind.

I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. She hasn't even seen my sister since October 1 (other than one 40-minute ambulance ride). She lives about ten miles from my sister's house, where my sister has been since October 3.

My crazy niece called 911 twice on October 7 claiming her mother was having another stroke. She wasn't even here and it was a lie. My poor sister was taken on a 40-minute ambulance ride to Fairbanks Memorial Hospital, where they said there was nothing wrong with her and sent her back home in the ambulance.

My crazy niece had followed the ambulance to the house and then rode in it back to the hospital with my sister, ranting about how they'd get her on a morphine drip and she'd die in a few days.

My niece was locked up in a padded cell, then shipped to Anchorage Psychiatric Institute for 48 hours, where she then walked out and flew home. They couldn't keep her against her will.
After she had many screaming tirades with hospital staff, with me and the rest of the family, she has hired an attorney to deal with the family and the hospital. The hospital has banned my niece from the hospital and they are refusing to speak with my niece or her attorney.

None of the family is allowed to speak to my oldest niece. As of last Thursday we have to go through her attorney. We never were allowed to speak during the numerous phone calls she made to us. She would yell, screaming lies about how we were force feeding my sister, forcing her to stay alive, as well as forcing water down her throat. She told all of us she was suing us and how much she hated us. Before any of us could ever respond to her accusations she would slam down the phone. She is crazy.

She's been spiraling down into very strange behavior since her father passed away two years ago. We all saw a change in her but we didn't realize the seriousness. It's not depression, but she started talking incessantly after my brother-in-law's death, saying odd and inappropriate things to anyone that would listen. She also became highly defensive and went on attack mode if you said anything she disagreed with.

Now she's become extremely mean and hateful. I'm still in a bit of shock over some of the things she said to me, very hurtful words. Even though I know she's mentally ill, it's hard to accept it's the illness talking and not my niece. It's not just me she's attacking, but everyone in the family. Her viciousness and anger strikes anyone in her path.

So this is just another layer of hell that's going on in addition to my sister's illness.

My sister. What can I say other than what she tells me every day. "I'm mis-er-a-ble". She says it very slowly and angrily, over and over, spoken as someone who has had a severe stroke. Slowly and deliberately. One syllable at a time. She still can nod yes or no, but now she seldom even tries to speak. The smiles and laughter are gone.

She absolutely will not eat. She refuses all food. She sips very little water a few times a day.
She still has some strength on her left side, but it's becoming weaker. The right-side paralysis is still complete. Today is day 26.

We've talked about death. She wants to die. It breaks my heart to watch her kill herself by starving herself to death. This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Thursday she came down with strep throat, at least that was our guess. Since her doctor in town refused to prescribe any pain medicine for her unless he saw her in person (that would have required an ambulance ride), we called 911 to take her to ER. She was in agony and the Tylenol and Advil we had been giving her for back pain wasn't working on the strep.

I rode with her in the ambulance for the ride to town, about 40 minutes. They admitted her in the ER for a "sore throat". This actually turned out to be a good thing since we were able to get her primary care provider changed to an Advanced Nurse Practitioner who can prescribe pain medicine and will make house calls to my sister's house (23 miles from town).

The ANP, Janice, came to the hospital at 1pm (we'd been there since 9am), and saw my sister. She's an angel and deals with hospice care. She prescribed Oxycodone, a strong pain killer which immediately eased my sister's misery. Miraculously we were able to do this without a medical power of attorney (without the crazy niece's approval). Janice will make a house call on Tuesday to check on my sister. We also got an antibiotic for the strep. Since you can't die from strep, this won't make her live longer but only make her more comfortable.

My sister came back home the same day and has been on the Oxycodone for three days. I'm calling this the most "miserable" phase of my sister's slow dying process.

Up until the pain medicine, we had a lot of laughter with her. We talked to her a lot, she interacted with us. One day she kept pointing at the TV, or at least I thought it was the TV (her hospital bed is in the middle of the living room, facing her big picture windows and glass door - looking out on a river). I asked her if she wanted the TV turned on, she shook her head no, but kept pointing. Finally she grabbed my chin and face and turned it to the glass door. There, standing in the middle of the river was a cow moose and calf. We both had a good laugh over that one.

Now my sister sleeps most of the time and when she's awake she's groggy, and very unhappy. Last night she got mad at me. I don't know why. She was trying to talk and I could see the anger in her face. I asked if she was mad at me and she shook her head yes. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong, and when she tried to speak again, her anger was very obvious.

My sister has never said a mean word to me in my entire life. She's always been loving and kind. Even during the the past three weeks, her responses were always softly spoken, although we couldn't understand her. Lots of smiles and you could see the appreciation in her eyes. What happened last night was awful. I know it's the drug talking, but I hated it.

The honeymoon phase of her dying process is over. I've lost her to the pain and the pain medication. I really hate this more than you can imagine. This is the part I dreaded. I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm not sure if I'm staying to the end. I'm not sure I can handle it.

There's a lot of discussion as to where my sister should spend her final days. She could go on for up to four weeks, or possibly only a week or two. No one knows.

We're working with the crazy niece's attorney (who I detest), trying to find a solution that everyone will agree to. The crazy niece wants to hire CNA's to attend to her mother's care 24/7 since in her demented mind we're not qualified to provide comfort care. Never mind we've been doing it for almost two weeks and every R.N. and CNA (there have been several) that has made a home visit says we're doing an excellent job.
The problem is that you can't find an available R.N. or CNA willing to come out here to my sister's house, a 40-minute drive from town, for 24/7 care. The alternative is an assisted living home in town, and I could write a book on how I feel about that situation. Remember, we're in Fairbanks, Alaska.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next few days. Dealing with the attorney is very unpleasant. She's a condescending bitch believing every word of the crazy niece, who has only spouted lies about this family. Our only concern has been the comfort and care of my sister during her last days. My crazy niece's goal, to put us all through her own special version of hell.

As my sister says, I'm mis-er-a-ble.

Dear God, please let me have a break

2011-10-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all your kind comments on my last post. Each and every one of them touched my heart. Especially as I read them while sitting by my sister's side as she slept. They meant a lot to me.

I'm home. It was the most intense and emotional twelve days of my entire life. I've never cried so hard nor felt so much emotional pain. Even losing my mother six years ago wasn't this difficult.

My beautiful, vibrant and very active sister had what was originally a mild stroke two weeks ago and then later classified as a catastrophic event. She's completely paralyzed on the right side, unable to walk, read, write or speak anything other than mutterings that no one can understand. Yet she is still completely cognizant of everything that's happening, can answer yes/no questions and has use of her right side.

She's given up and is refusing all food. I had a lot of good visits with her before I left on Sunday, but I knew it was most likely the last time I'd see her. My niece said my sister is not only shaking her head no when offered food, but now she's covering her mouth with her left hand. Yet she still drinks water so this will probably go on for weeks.

My one niece and her husband have moved into my sister's house with her and plan on staying with her for at least the next three weeks. Since she's becoming weaker each day, this probably won't last three weeks.

Sadly there was a lot of family drama due to another very close relative that was going through some sort of mental breakdown before this happened, and during the past week they spun out of control. I've never been in the presence of someone suffering with mentally illness. It was another nightmare on top of the nightmare my sister was going through.

Even though it was horrible seeing my sister so disabled and knowing her choice to slowly commit suicide by starving herself to death, I will always value those wonderful moments with her. Often it was just the two of us and we laughed ourselves silly. We had a really good time together, especially when it was just the two of us. Some people couldn't bare to be in the room with her, I couldn't bare to not be in the room with her.

Three of my family members called me yesterday and told me they were diagnosed with strep throat. I've had a sore throat, terrible stomach pains, and the worse headaches of my life during the last four days. I thought it was all stress induced. As today progressed, I continued to feel worse. Finally at 4pm I went to the urgent care clinic and yes, I have strep throat too. I have a horse-sized bottle of Amoxicillin.

The only positive thing I can say is my weight is 173.4. The truth is that I really don't care about my weight right now. Everything I was so worried about, my weight, my clothes, my hair -- in the scheme of life it's all a bunch of trivial crap.

When I got home Sunday night I decided to stop taking Ambien. The last two nights I've been rewarded with some of the worst nightmares of my life. Full of death and violence. Both nights I woke myself up screaming (and my husband). I don't know if this is some sort of Ambien withdrawal or if it's from those twelve days of hell in Fairbanks. Whatever it is, it's scaring me and really interrupting much needed sleep.

Where's Diana?

2011-09-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm in Fairbanks. My sister had a mild stroke last Wednesday. I flew up on Thursday and she didn't seem to be that bad. Her speech was very slurred and difficult to understand, It was a left-side cerebral stroke so she was partially paralyzed on her right side (she's right handed). I thought she'd have a full recovery.

Then the "natural progression" of the original stroke has changed it from a "mild" stroke to a catastrophic event. Everything has become increasingly much worse each day. Now she can barely mutter, she can still shake her head yes and no, but is often confused by the question. Her right side is completely paralyzed. Saturday they said she has expressive aphasia, but she still understood everything we said.

Now there's some receptive aphasia too, where she doesn't understand what we're saying. It seems to come and go. She can't write with her left hand since the signals from her brain to her hand aren't working, although she has a tight grip in the left hand.

This is my beautiful, wonderful sister that I love more than anyone in this world. She's always so classy, so sweet and kind to everyone and always does the right thing. She's one of the funniest people I've ever met and she always gets my jokes. We would get into laughing fits when we were together. I'm so glad I spent ten days with her last July.
This is my only sister. She's seventeen years older than me but we've become very close in the last ten years, since our mother became very ill and died. She's the sister I spent eight days in the in Anchorage in a hospital, never leaving her side as we watch her husband of 51 years die of massive coronary heart failure.

Two weeks ago we talked for about three hours on the phone. One of the things we talked about was the horror of a stroke, not being able to speak, and being paralyzed. We both said it would be a living hell and would much rather die. She has also said for two years that she just wanted to die because her heart was so broken and she was so lonely since her husband died.

She was barely eating a bite of food since she came into the hospital. Two days ago she decided to completely refuse all food, water and the medicines they had started her on. I know what she's doing, she's trying to kill herself the only way she knows how. She wants out of her living hell.

This is my sister that has always been thin so it probably won't take long. The doctor's are talking about moving her to a hospice. It's breaking my heart. She's 73 which seems so young, but I know it's her choice and it's what she wants. Even if she worked really hard in rehab, she would still have a lot of paralysis and they don't know if the speech will ever come back. This would be unacceptable to my very active and independent sister.

My nieces, 45, 47 and 49 are begging her to stay, for them. I want her to stay for me too, but I really just want for her to be out of this nightmare. Who will I call on Saturdays and talk to for hours about everything? Who will I laugh with until I'm bent over in tears and a coughing fit from the laughing? I miss her so much already. Life really does suck sometimes.

Tuesday recap

2011-09-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

That stomach thing
I'm pretty sure the stomach bug I had was actually food poisoning from a nectarine or raw spinach that I ate Sunday morning. I could be wrong, but after reading about food poisoning it sounds like that was what happened. I don't think I was contagious. My husband didn't get sick (he didn't eat spinach or a nectarine).

Today was much better and by this afternoon the only thing wrong with me was my broken wrist.

Enough said about my health.

Shopping
About my crazy shopping trip yesterday where I tried on at least 30 pairs of pants. This was brought on by three weeks of watching several re-runs of "What Not to Wear" when I was home with my first cast. After gaining back almost fifty of my eighty pounds lost, I had become a What Not to Wear "before", a worst-dressed woman. I only worked three days last week and looked like a bum every day.

For the past year I've barely bought any new clothes because I was going to lose thirty pounds, and get back into my size 10 and 12 clothes. That obviously didn't happen. If I did buy clothes they were of poor quality because this weight was just temporary. Just for the record, I really hate clothes shopping. It's like being tortured, especially shopping for pants.

Somehow I seemed to skip size 14's on my way up and down the scale. I have several clothes in size 12, a few 10s, quite a few in size 16, but hardly anything in size 14. Not sure how that happened.

I had planned to shop Saturday, but I didn't have time. Then you all know what happened Sunday. I just felt a need to try to look semi-professional at work. It makes me feel better if my clothes fit me.

Terrible sad news
I saw someone today I hadn't seen in a few months. I knew they were diagnosed with cancer the last time I saw them. We had a long talk today. The cancer they have isn't a good cancer. I know all cancers are bad, but some are worse than others. This one has a very low survival rate. Not good odds.

As they were talking to me, telling me they thought they were going to die, I thought I was going to burst into tears. It hurts even more because they're young with young children. It broke my heart.

You just never know when the rug is going to be pulled out from under you on something like this. This person was leading a very healthy lifestyle, totally fit, not at all overweight, didn't drink or smoke, ate healthy food, then Bam!, you've got cancer. You have to wonder how cancer picks it's victims.

My exercise
I don't really exercise that much. Some people might think I'm an exercise machine, but I'm really just average. I go to the gym on most days (made it there this morning), some days I am an exercise machine, but most days (like today) I'm just average.

My workouts burn calories, work my muscles, but a lot of the time, they're nothing spectacular. I usually spend an hour working out, 30 minutes cardio, 30 minutes weights (or less if it's upper body since only one arm these days). Sometimes I'll do more, occasionally a little less. I'll never quit working out unless I'm bed-bound or dead. It's part of what I've done for 3 1/2 years and what I plan on doing forever. Just saying though, it's not a big deal. I probably talk about it too much so I sound like some big exercising person. I'm not. Just normal.

Also, I know I can do a million squats and lunges, and I'll never get slim hips and thighs. It's not my body type. Big hips, big thighs, that's me,even if I did weigh 135.

Last thought of the night
Good night and have a great Wednesday. :)

Twenty pairs of pants later...

2011-09-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

Around 3pm yesterday I finally started feeling better. A little bit nauseous if I I moved too fast or even thought about certain foods, but much more normal.

Breakfast was an egg and Canadian bacon on a Thomas light muffin. Big mistake. It made me really sick (still makes me sick to think about it). Lunch was five low-salt saltines. Dinner was homemade chicken soup (leftovers). I went to bed hungry, but hunger beats nauseousness any day.

Around 4 pm I tried to go to the gym, but only made it to the parking lot. I still didn't feel quite right, I was getting hot, sweaty flashes, then freezing cold. I decided it was probably a stupid idea to workout so I left.

Then I decided to torture myself with a pants shopping trip to Macy's. My first trip into the dressing room with twenty pairs of pants (I could barely carry them all with one hand), and nothing fit right.

I've noticed my fat has come back in different places this time. My hips and thighs seem bigger and my waist smaller. I've been this weight many times in my life, usually going up or coming down, but I don't remember having this problem of not being able to find pants that fit. 12's are too small and 14's are too big. I'm sort of wondering if it's my age. Gravity sucking everything down.

I guess this means I need to do more lower body workouts, which are not my favorite. My old trainer told me everyone hates squats and lunges. You're working the really big muscles in the thighs and butt and it hurts. No kidding.

I finally found two pairs of pants that fit me perfectly. This was on my third trip to the dressing room. By this time I was hot, sweaty, tired and a wee bit angry about trying on all these clothes and I didn't like anything. The brand that fit so well is Charter Club (I think it's a Macy's brand but not sure), and a style called Slim It Up. This is what is says on the tag: "Curves appear slimmer and firmer. Slim It Up with lockstitch control panels tummy appears flatter."

I also bought three tops and a dress. I rarely wear dresses to work (or anywhere), but I think it would be fun to shock everyone with me in a dress.

Almost 5 a.m. (yes, another bad night of sleep, up since 3:30 a.m.). I'm going to try the gym again, I feel better, just a little bit nauseous, but not terrible. No coffee this morning and no eggs (gross...what was I thinking?). Maybe saltines for breakfast. Then back to work today.

Still not back to normal

2011-09-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

At least I'm sitting upright, and not in the bathroom. I ate breakfast about an hour ago and feel really nauseous and slightly dizzy. The room isn't spinning out of control, but I don't feel good.

I'm staying home from work today. I tried to read a few work emails this morning and just scrolling through them made me feel nauseous.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the one thing in this world I really hate is being dizzy and nauseous. Its one of the reasons I've never been a big drinker. I can't stand the feeling of drinking too much alchohol. That's exactly how I feel right now, like I drank I drank a lot of hard liquor. I've had maybe two glasses of wine in the last six months.

I've been eating really healthy for months (or is that years), with a few Ambien-induced slips, but usually on healthy food (except that piece of cheesecake and potato chips last week - yuk, cheesecake - the thought makes me want to throw up!).

I'm guessing this is just some stomach bug I picked up somewhere and not something I ate. I thought it might have been my fresh organic baby spinach in my blackberry smoothie yesterday morning, but I've been eating the same brand for months. It's pre-washed and I think it's safe. I don't cook it, but maybe I should steam it a little before I put it in my smoothie (that is, if I ever have a green monster smoothie again - that thought makes me want to hurl too).

My plan for today is lots of water and very little food. Only because whenever I eat anything it makes me feel really sick. I'm thinking about going to the store and buying saltines. That's right, white flour and salt. I really don't care at this moment about healthy, whole-grains. I just want something to calm down my stomach.

No gym yesterday, although Saturday was one of my best workouts ever. Somehow I managed 61 minutes of "vigorous" activity according to my BodyMedia. Getting even a minute of vigorous activity is difficult since it has to be 6 METS or more, which usually means at least jogging at 4.5 or higher on the treadmill.

I was on the elliptical and I think it helped that a coworker and friend of mine was on the elliptical next to me. He's a guy and about 20 years younger than me. I was working super hard to keep my heart rate up in the 140 range (131 is my 80% HR).

I still totally love my new Polar FT60 (it was 50% off at Amazon and it's really magenta, not purple). I finally ordered the Flowlink for it, which will enable me to download my workouts to my computer. I didn't think I needed that, but I've since changed my mind. I guess I'm sort of a gadget geek.

I also ordered a frozen yogurt maker at the same time (really need to go back to work and stay there so I stop buying stuff!). I tried making frozen Greek yogurt bars using Stevia (NuNaturals--the only brand I like). It tasted great, but the texture was weird.

I was buying Yasso frozen Greek yogurt bars at Costco, but it was hit and miss on whether they had them in stock. Usually a miss. I love Costco, but if you find something you like, you're never guaranteed it'll be the the next time. The Yasso bars also didn't have any fiber because I'm sure they strain out the fruit pulp to make the bars creamy like ice cream. I liked the chunks of fruit in mine, but there wasn't anything creamy about them. The Yasso also contain a stabilizer with guar gum, locust bean gum, carrageenan, and soy lecithin. I looked all these items up and they're all plant based ingredients, not chemicals. I'd still prefer my own homemade bars, where I can control what's in them...Greek Yogurt, preferably Fage 0%( although I tried Costco's brand of Greek yogurt - didn't like it), fresh or frozen fruit and NuNaturals Stevia. Three ingredients.

All this talk about food is making me feel sick. I looked at a few blogs this morning and the ones with pictures of food, I couldn't even look at them.

My weight was 179.2, but I know that's just because I've been sick. Not eating much and living in the bathroom. I'm pretty sure one good meal will shoot it right back up to 181-182, where I've been sitting for a couple weeks.

The sun is shining. I might try to go for a walk. I think the gym isn't a possibility today. The thought of the elliptical sort of makes me feel seasick.

I'm sounding more and more like an old person. Constantly complaining about my aches and pains. I promise, my next post will be strictly about health and weight loss. I'm even getting bored with my health issues.

Knocked down and out

2011-09-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm finally feeling human after a really bad bout of either a stomach bug or something I ate.

I haven't been that ill since I drank rum and cokes at college party, and never touched them again. It makes me gag to even think about it, and it was over forty years ago.

It hit me suddenly at 11 a.m., starting with the room spinning out of control and me throwing up almost non-stop for three hours. Which was really awful because the only thing in my stomach was a nectarine. I drank water just to avoid the dry heaves, which just about killed me.

I even thought about having my husband take me to the emergency room, but I couldn't stand the thought of getting in a car or sitting in the ER for hours.

That was an awful experience. It seems like lately it's always something with me. Broken wrist,sleep issues, and now a stomach thing. For someone that tries to be healthy, I'm sure sick a lot. I'm getting kind of tired of it.

I am exhausted

2011-09-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

This has been a hard week, even though I Wednesday was my first day back at work. Sleep has been elusive. I can fall asleep, but wake up at 1:00 am, or earlier if I go to bed earlier. Then toss and turn until it's time to get up. It's killing me.

The sleep doctor I saw yesterday, who was wonderful, said my tonsils are huge, and my mouth is too small. Isn't that funny, the fat girl has a tiny mouth?

He wants to do a sleep study, which I dread, but he said he's almost positive I need to have my tonsils removed. He emphasized the surgery is minor, a fifteen-minute procedure, but the pain afterwards is pretty serious. He said I'd lose weight. I told him to sign me up now. Sounds like fun weigh-loss surgery.

I've actually known I've needed a tonsillectomy for years. Every doctor that has ever looked in my mouth and made me say "ahhhhh" has commented on my huge tonsils. I just never connected it to waking me up during the night. The problem is the breathing. Because "of my age" (sick of hearing that by the way), he said the muscles aren't as taunt as the use to be, then with the tonsils and my small mouth, it's causing me to stop breathing.

Thankfully he said a CPAP machine wouldn't help. That's a good thing because I had no intention of getting one.

As soon as my wrist heals, I'll do the sleep study, and then my tonsils removed. At 56. If it'll help me sleep, I'll do it. Right now I'd just about sell my soul to the devil for a good night's sleep.

Went to bed weighing 179, woke up weighing 181.4, now 182.4!

2011-09-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

Forgot to hit publish last night (!). Now up to 182.4 this morning. No late night eating yesterday, and calories at 1300. At this rate...well, you get the picture. Late for the gym, but leaving in five minutes. My post written at 10pm yesterday:

Tuesday was a lot of last-minute "got to do this before I go back to work" chores. I was running around all day.

I went to my regular hair salon and had my hair color fixed. It's normal now. It cost a fortune but it was worth it. I had to see the most senior color specialist to figure out how to get the ash (greenish-gray) out of my blond highlights. It was painless, love the colorist, been to her before. Painless but pricey. Lesson learned: trying to save money on my hair always winds up costing me a lot of time and more money. I also had two inches cut off by my regular stylist (same salon). Much happier with it now.

Then I went shopping for work clothes. D-i-a-s-t-e-r!!! I hate shopping. I've never understood how anyone can think shopping for clothes is fun. Even in the best of times when I'm what I consider a "skinny" weight, I hate it. Since this isn't the best of times for my weight, it was totally not fun. I've never in my entire life stood in a dressing room and liked what I saw staring back at me.Yesterday was worse than usual.

After looking at probably hundreds of dress jeans and slacks, and hating all of them, I finally tried on three pair of jeans. I hated them (notice how "hate" is a running theme about me and clothes?). Size 12's and 14's. Too small or too big. Too tight in the hips, too loose in the waist. Too long, even with three-inch heels. Just too wrong in every way.

I came home with three new pairs of dress shoes. Doesn't that sound like a fat girl? You can always find cute shoes. At least I bought something.

About my weight. Another disaster in that area. I had to run to the store last night at 7pm to buy trouser socks. Since I wore flips for most of the summer (dressy flips, but still, flips?), I decided to start dressing a little better for work. Flips were never really appropriate, but I was on a "I don't care how I look" phase for most of last summer. Flips certainly aren't appropriate in my office in September with the rainy season starting.

As I was leaving for the store my husband asked me to pick him up "a piece of cake". WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP A PIECE OF CAKE?!!!". Yes, that was me yelling. Why not just go ask a crack addict to pick you up some crack. What the hell?! He said he just wanted something sweet, just a small piece of cake. And some potato chips too please (!!!).

He has never asked me to do this in our 23 years of marriage. Probably because I've either been on a diet or should have been on a diet or was thinking about going on a diet for those 23 years. Reluctantly I agreed (yes, I need my head examined). Occasionally I try to be a sweet wife, but this was the wrong time and the wrong thing.

The store I was going to was Fred Myer, one of those stores that has a lot of everything, including trouser socks, cake and potato chips. They didn't have any pieces of cake, but they had pieces of cheesecake. He likes cheesecake (and unfortunately so do I). I felt like I had the will of steel. I could buy this junk, and I wouldn't eat it. I hadn't eaten anything unhealthy for weeks. One piece of caramel, pecan cheesecake (my personal favorite...you can see I was subconsciously trying to sabotage myself), and one bag of Kettle chips, vinegar and salt, also my favorite.

When I got home with my purchases, around 9pm, my husband was asleep. I hadn't eaten since 9am, before my hair appointment. I was exhausted and starving.

For some really weird reason, I wanted to weigh myself. I hadn't weighed myself for three days. I never weigh at night, because of course we all weigh more at night than first thing in the morning. Still, I got on the scales. Surprise, I was 179. I weighed three times. Could that be right, 179? Yes, it was right, three times and each time 179.0. I broke the 180 barrier.

Then I ate a nice, healthy dinner of chicken breast and Brussels sprouts. Then I ate the piece of cheesecake and the bag of potato chips. This morning, 181.4. I gained 2.4 pounds overnight. It's probably partly the salt, but still...why?

I could blame this on my husband. I would actually like to blame my husband, but this is nothing to do with him. It's something to do with me. I went about twelve hours without eating. That was stupid. I brought crap food into our house that normally would never be here. That was me, not him. He would never do that, yet he asked to do it and I said okay. Why did he ask? That alone is really odd. And why on earth did I agree. Normally I would say no way. You can buy it and eat it, but I don't want to have it in my sight. I wish I wasn't like this, but it's a fact of life and one he's accepted.

I don't have the answers and honestly, and I'm still perplexed by my behavior. Maybe I was tired, hungry and not thinking straight. Maybe I had temporary insanity. I don't really understand what happened, why would a sane, reasonably intelligent person make such a bad decision?

I'm back at it today. I guess I'll just put that in my memory bank as a lesson learned.

It's almost 10pm. Time for sleep, or at least, my attempt at sleep. I saw a sleep doctor today about my inability to sleep through the night. Which will be in a later post. I have to at least try to sleep now.

Tomorrow's dry run for going back to work!

2011-09-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the best workout I've had since I broke my wrist over four weeks ago. It's partly because I took the entire weekend off from exercise. Two days and no gym and no walks. I read Jen's post about not working out for three days on Saturday, but I didn't take it seriously. I remember thinking, "I could never take off three days from working out!".

I wound up taking Saturday and Sunday off because, it was hot and I was tired. I couldn't remember the last time I either didn't go to the gym or go on an intense walk, trying to get in my 10,00 steps.

The days off really really paid off because today's workout was fantastic. My new Polar heart rate monitor, a FT60, really helped too. I love this thing. It really helps keep me in my zone, plus I love the pretty magenta color. My old Polar was a pale pink and didn't have all the bells and whistles this one has on it. I'm in love!

I'm still using my BodyMedia. I'm just as crazy about it as I was when I got it on July 27. This past weekend was the first time I took it off for most of the weekend. I've had it on all day today, and just checked the stats: 2,773 calories burned, 11, 229 steps, 1 hour 25 minutes moderate exercise and and amazing 33 minutes of vigorous exercise. I'vd only eaten 979 calories wish s a little low. I usually keep it between 1200 and 1500 caloreis. daily.

About work, I'm heading back to work on Wednesday. I made the decision last Thursday when I was finally able to straighten my left arm, the one that had the full cast on it for three weeks. It took a couple days of stretching exercises to get it back to where I could actually straighten it out.

I can type with my left hand now, I just can't use my left thumb since it's encased in the cast and it can't quite reach the keyboard unless I stick my elbow up in the air. It's a 100% improvement over not being able to use my left hand at all. Nine fingers beat five fingers any day.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm looking forward to going back to work. It hasn't exactly been a picnic being off work the last four weeks. Especially while I was in the full cast with my arm at a 45 degree angle.

The dry run tomorrow is that I've had an ongoing discussion with my husband about if should keep with mornngs and do after work workouts. With a cast it's something to think about. I notorously am bad at nighg workouts so tomorrowbefore my 8 a.m. haircolor and cut, I'm going try to make the gym before the hair apportionment.

We'll see if I can get up early, get to the gym and come home, hook up to my Cast Cooler (and my vacuum cleaner),shower and get ready, then get to the hair salon by 8 a.m. It's going to be a challenge. I'm really going to be happy to get my old hair color back because I really hate it. now. Maybe pictures tomorrow.

National Moment of Remembrance for 9/11

2011-09-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

Not sure how I missed this, probably because I've banned myself from watching the news this past week. This is a lot more important than anything I could say about weight loss.

Taken from the Dodge City Daily Globe:

This year we mark the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, a day that changed America forever. To commemorate this occasion and pay tribute to those we lost, the United States Senate, in an overwhelming demonstration of unity, unanimously passed a resolution (S. Res. 237) establishing a national Moment of Remembrance on September 11, 2011. I write to request that you join us in making this Moment of Remembrance a symbol of solidarity throughout your city and across the country.

During the Moment of Remembrance, every person across the country is called upon to stop and remember those we lost in the September 11th attacks. The Moment of Remembrance will take place for one full minute at 12:00 p.m. on September 11, 2011, and cities and towns, firehouses, churches and other institutions across the country are called upon to to sound sirens and ring bells during that minute. These sirens and bells will be a signal for each person to stop and remember the people we lost and demonstrate the perseverance the American people have shown since that fateful day.

Taken from City of Auburn, WA events:

Governments and businesses, houses of worship and railways, fire and police departments, and others are called on to ring bells and sound sirens as we observe this Moment of Remembrance. At the same time across the country (1 pm EDT, noon CDT, 11 am MDT, and 10 am PDT) we call on you to reflect on the lives lost and those affected by the tragedies of 9/11.

That's what I was going to say...why I may never reach goal

2011-09-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have a post idea rolling around in your head, then you read almost exactly what you were thinking on one of your favorite blogs?

After three and a half years of blogging that's happened to me a few times. Sometimes I even write my post then find a similar one written by someone else. Then I wonder 'Did I read it and think it was my idea when I actually plagiarized it?'.

This time I'm pretty sure I hadn't read this before. It's a topic that people don't talk about. I was going to write the post a couple days ago, but then I read Helen's post on Doing a 180, "I don't have what it takes" on Wednesday. There were my very thoughts written in Helen's words. She was openly honest about her thoughts that she may never reach her fitness and weight goals.

My title was going to be "Why I'll never reach goal". What I was going to write was very similar to what Helen wrote. Basically, I'm not sure I have it in me to get to my goal weight of 135 pounds.

You can read Helen's post to know how I feel, with the exception of the thyroid problem, the rest of it is very similar to my own story. Except I've been on a diet since I was thirteen years old and wanted to lose five pounds to get down to 120.

The only difference between when I was 13 and then in my fifties is that the amount of weight I wanted to lose has changed. When I was 52 I needed to lose 100 pounds. That means I've either been on a diet or thinking I should be on a diet for about 43 years. Or a lifestyle change, thank you Weight Watchers for that little gem.

It doesn't mean I'm giving up or that I'll stop exercising and trying to eat right. It just means I'm rethinking trying to reach a weight I was in high school. Maybe that's not realistic. Maybe weighing 150 at 56 years old wouldn't be such a bad thing. It's something I need to seriously consider.

I still need to lose 31 pounds to get to 150, but I was 152 two years ago so I know it's possible.

I haven't seen 135 since 1997 with the help of Phen-Fen (a weight loss drug that works, but kills). I was literally starving myself to death (800 calories a day and not hungry). I was doing high impact aerobics five days a week and I was a vegetarian. I lost 107 pounds in seven months, from 237 to 124. I was almost dead and looked awful (my hair was very thin from the sudden weight loss), but I was wearing size six jeans, which are still in the back of my closet.

My point is that I'm not giving up on getting healthy, but I might be giving up on weighing 135. Kind of what Helen said.

A purple cast this time

2011-09-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. The doctor couldn't really see any healing in my scaphoid bone. When I looked at the x-ray it looked like it was actually worse than before. Of course, I'm not an orthopaedic surgeon, but even he said he didn't really see any improvement but he wanted to try another month of my wrist in a cast.

I'm really disappointed. Even though my doctor had warned me my scaphoid probably wouldn't heal on it's own in a month, if ever, I was still hoping. This particular bone, the scaphoid, tends to not heal easily because it doesn't get a good supply of blood. My doctor told me this fact at my last appointment, and I had read about it on numerous websites in the last three weeks. Still, I thought with all my vitamins, supplements, healthy eating and regular exercise, there would be a miracle and it would heal. I was wrong.

I'll keep up the exercise and healthy food, if not for my scaphoid bone, then for the rest of me.

Getting the dirty, pink cast removed.

This wasn't a staged picture of pain. It hurt like heck after the cast was removed.

Not happy (and I have bad posture!).

I guess I'll go for a walk now. I need to get my arm moving and hopefully get the blood flowing to my wrist. Even though it may not heal, and I'll wind up getting surgery on it anyway, I'll still need to be healthy for the surgery.

Listening to our inner voice

2011-09-04T05:56:00.000-07:00

We all have that little voice in our head telling us the right thing to do. It's the voice that told you it's time to buckle down and get serious about your health. It's the voice that cares about you, even when you don't think you care for yourself. It's the cheerleader, the voice that constantly tells you to exercise and eat healthy.

My inner voice told me yesterday that my goals for my weight loss were too aggressive. They were doing me more harm than good. Every day was a challenge to meet them and almost every day I failed. On the rare day I did meet my exercise goals, I was practically dead from fatigue.

Even though I'd love to consider myself "Very Active", it was a path to failure. I wanted to stay on a two-pound a week loss schedule, but if I moved less, that meant I'd have to eat less. 1,500 calories consumed and 2,500 calories burned daily are my new customized goals. I set attainable exercise too, 90 minutes of moderate exercise daily (not all of this has to be gym time), and 10,000 steps.

Last night at 8:30 p.m. I realized I only had 8,500 steps. Not happy. Food had been perfect, and I had almost two hours of moderate exercise, which included gym time and some housework. My inner voice said, well, what can you do to fix this? Too late to go for a walk. The gym is closed so I couldn't go there (I wouldn't anyway that late at night).

We were watching The King's speech on DVD (great movie) when I decided to walk in place and watch the movie. In about 15 minutes I made my 10,000 steps. My husband thought I was a nut, but nothing new there. My kitty was annoyed because he couldn't sit on my lap, but he got over it.

When it was time for bed, I couldn't sleep. Exercise that close to bedtime is never a good idea for me. After tossing and turning for about an hour, I finally got up and took an Ambien. I hadn't taken one for three nights. I'd sworn off Ambien because of some bad night eating experiences where I thought it was a dream, but it was real (strawberries and hummus).

Before I took the Ambien I had a conversation with myself. I realize this sounds a little crazy, but I told myself that the Ambien couldn't make me do anything that I didn't want to do, and I did NOT want to get up later and eat. I'd eaten almost 1,300 calories of healthy, nutritious food. I wasn't hungry, so there wasn't a need to eat more. I would use the Ambien as a sleep aid and not an excuse to eat mindlessly. I was in control of my actions, not the drug.

I woke up at 5 a.m. feeling rested and hungry. My first thought was "Did I eat anything last night while I was asleep?". From my hunger pains I was pretty sure that was a no, but I went to the kitchen just to make sure. During my sleep walking episodes I always left evidence, like dirty dishes in the sink or strawberries strewn about the floor (which became cat toys and I'm still finding strawberries in the oddest paces, all rotten and gross now). There was no evidence of sleep walking and eating. The kitchen was spotless, just like how I left it last night.

Maybe I am in control of my own destiny. At least last night I listened to my inner voice for once. Perhaps I will do that more often.

Modifying my goals

2011-09-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Just returned from the gym (45 minutes cardio, 40 minutes right-handed weights). I'm sitting here hooked up to my vacuum cleaner with my CastCooler. Greatest invention ever! Sucks the sweat out of my cast in about 15 minutes. Also worked when I didn't get the cast cover pulled up all the way and the shower shot full blast down the inside of my cast. Nothing like feeling a puddle of water on my fingers inside the water-proof cast cover. The CastCooler was worth every penny.

New weight loss plan
I originally set up my BodyMedia for Very Active, 60 minutes of moderate exercise and 30 minutes of vigorous (like jogging or StairMaster). Burn 2900 calories a day, eat 1900. This was before my broken wrist and cast. It was difficult to attain, but doable.

With the cast, it takes a herculean effort to make these goals. I've made it a couple of times, but I've failed many more times. Failure to meet a specified goal is damaging to my spirit.

I customized my goals today and this sounds much easier, but still challenging:

I have to face the reality of having a cast. Vigorous activity isn't advisable. I can still do the StairMaster and elliptical, but I just have to go a little slower. A heart rate of 140+ shouldn't happen. It's really hard for me to accept this, but it's just the way it has to be for now. I feel a little bad for myself (and stupid) that it took me almost 4 weeks to figure this out. Guess I'm a little stubborn.

No real plans for the rest of today. Just take it easy and enjoy the incredible weather we're having here in the Northwest. Sunshine and 78 degrees.

I need a miracle

2011-09-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Next Tuesday the cast comes off. The orthopedic surgeon said there will be one of two outcomes of my four weeks in a cast:

1. Scaphoid bone looks like it's healing, which is unlikely but possible. If it's healing, then they'll put on a new cast for two more months.

2. If it's not healing, then I'll need surgery with screws to make it grow back together.

I wanted an option three where it magically grows back together and on Tuesday I get my left hand and arm back. Surgery horrifies me even more than two more months in a cast. The doctors told me it wouldn't completely heal in a month. They were sorry, but it was a severe fracture, almost completely broken.

I was reading more about the scaphoid bone today and came across this article. My scaphoid is broken near the forearm, and my cast includes my thumb extends almost to my shoulder.

Fracture Near the Forearm

If the scaphoid is broken in the middle of the bone (waist) or closer to the forearm (proximal pole), healing is more difficult. These areas of the scaphoid do not have a very good blood supply.

If your doctor treats this type of fracture with a cast, the cast will probably include the thumb. It may extend above the elbow, as well.

Source: http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=A00012

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post, but the doctors told me my scaphoid bone showed an old fracture that hadn't healed properly, and the new fracture was right next to it. Sort of sounds like I'm screwed....pun intended.

No plans for today. Yesterday was exhausting. I spent an hour and a half at the gym. An hour of cardio and almost a half hour of lower body workouts. I can still do lunges and still hate them as much as ever. Same with crunches, they still make me nauseous.

I can do the elliptical one-handed too. Just figured that out yesterday. I thought it would be too hard, but if I don't do my normal hill routine and stick with levels 6 - 8, Im fine. I had a fear of falling off at first, but I didnt. I like it a lot better than the stationary bike which isn't my favorite.

The sun is out today so I'm heading out to pick more blackberries, then either the gym or a walk. I haven't decided for sure. My life sure isn't very exciting these days (not that it's a thrill a minute normally).

I tried the Natural Bliss Coffee-mate creamer this morning. I'm not a fan. It's great that the ingredients are natural: non-fat milk, heavy cream, and sugar. I appreciate natural versus artificial ingredients and corn syrup that they use in their regular creamers. It's just that the one tablespoon at 35 calories didn't really make my coffee taste that much better. Probably because my mug is 12 ounces, so it wasn't really enough. I'm certainly not going to spend 70 calories (2 tbsps.) on a cup of coffee. I can have a piece of fruit or a cup of blackberries for that price.

Question for anyone that's had a cast. Can a cast cause swelling three weeks after it was put on? I noticed my upper left arm, the one with the cast looks bigger than my upper right arm. I measured my left arm, right where the cast ends on the upper part and compared it to my non-casted arm. It's a full inch bigger! I measured it three times to be sure. The cast is super tight around my wrist, but at the top there's a lot of of room between the cast and my skin. Just seems odd to me that the cast would cause swelling after three weeks. Maybe it's always been like this and I just never noticed.

The eating has been pretty good without the Ambien, although I ate a piece of pizza last night. My husband ordered it. I finally caved around 11pm and ate a piece. It had extra cheese on it and pepperoni and sausage. I was able to stop after one piece. I was completely aware of my actions, unlike the hummus and strawberries from Monday night during an Ambien induced sleep walking incident that my husband witnessed.

I guess I'd better get going on my walk and blackberry picking. Perfect September weather for a walk, sunny and 66 degrees.

Wednesday's Words

2011-08-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

After two really bad Ambien night's where I ate stuff I didn't remember eating, and even "dreamed" I drove my car in the middle of the night, lost and scared (pretty sure I didn't but scared the crap out of me anyway), last night I went cold turkey. No Ambien or OTC sleep aid. It was a miserable night.

I have trouble sleeping anyway but throw in a full arm cast almost to my shoulder, and it was a night from hell. I finally went to sleep around 2 a.m. (no weird eating last night), and got up at 8 a.m. feeling and looking like death.

Add in that my back is killing me from blackberry picking yesterday, and I'm not a happy girl today. Tired and feeling older than dirt.

Yesterday I managed a full hour of cardio yesterday at the gym, bike, crossramp and even 11 minutes on the StairMaster (which was pure torture). I did a few bicep and tricep exercises for my right arm, but I always feel of kind of silly weight lifting with just my right arm, with my left arm in a bright pink cast, moving it up and down the best I can to keep in sync with my good arm. I imagine people think I'm nuts.

My agenda for today, nothing but chores:

1. Gym, of course.

2. Pick up the Dyson vacuum at the repair shop. Only took them four days to fix it and $79. We've had it over 5 years. Love my Dyson.

3. Stop at Safeway and buy Coffee-mate Natural Bliss Caramel. Prior Fat Girl, Jen, had a link to a dollar off coupon. I normally drink coffee black. Not sure if this is a good way to use 35 calories, but thought I'd try it.

4. Library - 2 of Joy Bauer's books I had on hold are ready for pickup.

5. Wash and freeze the 16 cups of blackberries I picked yesterday - great for green monster smoothies.

6. Plant pansies I bought at Farmers Market 2 week's ago. One-handed gardening doesn't sound fun, but only 6 plants. For a planter that didn't get watered and everything died.

7. Pick more blackberries--?? Not sure if I want to do this or if my aching back will hold up.

8. Vacuum living room since I didn't vacuum last weekend (broken Dyson). Darn hardwood floors, the dust bunnies are taking over. I had pulled out our almost new Kenmore from pre-Dyson days, but just never got around to it.

9. Go to bed early!

Actually, I want to crawl back in to bed right now. So tired and achy, but I have to get moving. It's noon, and I'm not even dressed. I wonder if this is what getting old feels like.

I love you BodyMedia! Today's weight 182.2

2011-08-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

One month with my BodyMedia and down 12.8 pounds. It's a miracle! Of course, I take a lot of the credit because it's also a lot of hard work.

I was actually 199.4 on July 19 for my physical (pre-cast). And I'm sure the cast weighs a little something, right? Regardless, I'm thrilled if it's only 12.8 pounds. I've lost and regained this same weight so many times that you would think I wouldn't be so happy, but I'm thrilled!

With the BodyMedia I still have to track my food, which I have done without fail for 28 days. The user interface is very easy to use and fun.

Of all the things Ive tried in my life to lose weight, this one is my favorite. The technology behind it is a small miracle.

I don't know how many of you remember this post. It was a test I had done at Swedish Hospital in Seattle to determine my BMR (base metabolic rate, which was 1,900 calories - what I would burn with no activity at all)). Then they determined my Daily Expenditure rate as 2,280 calories daily (based on my sedentary job so tat was BMR times 1.2). This would be my calorie burn without exercise and just normal activity.

Amazingly, the BodyMedia almost exactly matches this number if I take a day off from exercising and walking. The number of calories burned on those days is usually right around 2,300.

If I walk my 10,000 steps (minimum daily goal) and get in at least one hour of moderate exercise (I try for 90 minutes but that's hard!), then my daily calorie burn is up around 2,900 daily.

I think there might be a method to this madness!

PS - I finally caved at midnight and took Ambien, but no sleep walking or weird eating.

Now I'm heading out to pick blackberries and get in my 10,000 steps in the process. I had some fresh blackberries with breakfast and they were delicious (and free---gotta love free!).

Ambien...I don't like you anymore!

2011-08-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Ambien
As my 3-year old grand-niece said with her hands on her hips, after her mother made her angry, "I've decided I don't like you anymore!".

Three nights in a row, after taking Ambien, I've basically sleep-walked and ate food I didn't plan to eat or remember eating. The first two nights it wasn't too bad, a few extra pieces of fruit that I didn't remember eating, but last night:

This was a full 8-cup container of chips (my husband's food, not mine). Worse than eating the chips is the conversation I had with my husband as I was eating them which I totally don't remember. Something about I had been good for six weeks and I deserved a treat. Approximately 600 calories!

Bye-bye Ambien. Hello sleepless in Seattle.

Best huumus in the world and I made it!

Thanks to ohshegkows.com recipe, The Hummus That Changed Everything.

There's no oil in the recipe, but I drizzled olive oil over it, as Angela suggested. The first time I used a whole teaspoon, which was too much. The next time I only used 1/2 teaspoon which was perfect. Scrumptious!

Dash Point Park hike yesterday

The stairs

Puget Sound, worth the short hike.

Today's hike, my usual trail by my house
It was 85 degrees and I think I overdid it. It was worth it though because I found a great blackberry patch (and no people!).

Beautiful Mt. Rainier

Great weather, but dead, brown grass.

Perfect blackberries

My cat's Halloween costume That I bought her yesterday. And if looks could kill...I'd be dead.

Things I do to entertain myself.

My hair. Some of the hideous ash toner has washed out. My bangs are growing out, but still too short. Looking at this picture I can see why I got the senior (62+) discount at the movies last week.

I'm only 56. :)

It's almost noon and I have done....nothing

2011-08-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

It's kind of killing me that I have all this free time, but because of my broken wrist and this cast, I can't do anything too physical or active.

It's almost noon and all I've done is have a healthy breakfast. It takes forever to prepare because I've added lots of vegetables my meals these days. Although I'm not doing Weight Watchers anymore (BodyMedia and counting calories instead), I still trying to get in 5-7 fruits/veggies a day and my healthy oil.

As with many things in my life, I think I may be addicted to Netflix streaming video. We've had Netflix forever but I've never watched much of the instant stuff. Of all the things on there to watch I chose probably the dumbest series ever made, but I love it.

I'd never heard of the ABC show, Make It or Break It. You probably never have either because it's geared towards teenage girls with an interest in gymnastics, with a touch of Mean Girls. Obviously, I'm none of those things, so it's really puzzling to even me why I like this show so much.

On the agenda for today:

1. Go for a walk at Dash Point Park, about a 10-minute drive. I can't stand to do my usual trail or neighborhood walk today. It's boring me to death.

2. See a matinee showing of The Help.

3. Pick a few blackberries to have for an evening snack.

4. Buy the ingredients for homemade hummus (Angela's recipe, but make it tomorrow).

5. Stop at the neighborhood produce store for some more white peaches. Almost twice the calories of a regular peach, but twice the flavor.

Another exciting and fun-packed day.

A time to heal

2011-08-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm pretty sure I'm a borderline hoarder, perhaps even a full-blown one when it comes to closets, I decided the closet cleaning can wait until my wrist has healed. It was a stupid idea.

I didn't use my left hand the last two days while moving stuff, yet my left wrist was aching terribly by this afternoon. It has me concerned.

Before I decided to stop the madness, I managed to drag two big bags of clothes, ten purses (why do I keep things I don't like?), and even a belly dancing kit (a Xmas gift, the box not even opened), among many other treasures.

I shoved the rest of my ~~junk~~ valuables back into the closet. I'm done for now.

Back to just my walks and moderate one-armed gym workouts. This is not the time for me to do chores...it's a time to heal.

Weight this morning was 183.4.

The Ambien Diet

2011-08-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

Best thing that happened to me today - I made a ponytail with one hand! With a special ponytail thing I found in a drawer and with the help of gravity. I have a ponytail! It's like a little piece of heaven. Yes, I do lead an exciting life.

I should be working on my closet mess, which has now spilled over into the rest of the house. It's like my closet is a bottomless pit of junk. I can't believe the stuff I'm finding. Like 12 pairs of size 12 pants (jeans and dress slacks), so far. I still have piles of clothes to sort through.

I haven't comfortably worn size 12 for about a year. Why are they still hanging there if they don't fit? We all know the answer...because I was going to lose the extra weight...soon. I also have lots of size 14 and 16 clothes. In boxes in the garage are the size 8's and 10's from two years ago. I never dreamed I'd outgrow my size 12's, for about the 20th time in my life.

I actually don't even know what size I wear right now. I have a "one-hand" rule for pants these days. I have to be able to pull then on with my right hand. No buttons. Which means I'm living in my elastic waist workout pants.

So about this Ambien diet. For the last five or six years, since menopause, I feel like I haven't slept. I can fall asleep easily, I just can't stay asleep. I've practically begged my doctor for Ambien several times, but the most she would ever give me was ten tablets at a time, no refill. She acted like she was prescribing heroin. While I appreciated her conservatism, I just wanted to sleep for an entire night.

Hello cast! My doctor accepted it as a logical reason for my sleepless nights and gave me a refillable prescription for Ambien. The difference in my sleep is incredible, although I do feel a little like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. Just a little. Ive been warned about Ambien's addictive properties (and I read about it on the internet), but these days, I'll accept a little help in the sleep department.

The added benefit is that if I'm sleeping, I'm not eating! A pleasant side effect of sleeping through the night.

Although, this morning I remembered a dream where I was eating plums. Then I found a lonely pluot on the counter this morning and a pluot sticker in the sink, I checked the trash. There were two pluot pits right on the top. It wasn't a dream. The really odd thing is that I'd forgotten we even had any pluots. They must have been hidden somewhere in the fridge.

Check out these old posts from last year:

Posted 4-20-2010
The Ambien experience

I've stopped taking Ambien, the prescription sleeping aid. It's dangerous! This morning I woke up and had red stuff all over my hands. It looked liked I'd murdered someone in my sleep.

My fingers were literally "beet red". OMG! I ate the roasted beet dip! I headed into the kitchen and found the container in the refrigerator, with only a couple tablespoons of dip remaining. There was about 3/4 cup in the container when I went to bed. This meant I'd eaten almost the entire 3/4 cup of dip. Considering three tablespoons was 4.5 Points, this isn't a good thing.

Posted 4-20-10
My Ambien blackout I had last night where I ate 1/4 of a loaf of Dave's Killer bread but didn't remember a thing (about 500 calories). This morning I wanted to make breakfast and found the empty bread bag. I asked my husband if he ate bread in the middle of the night and why couldn't he have left me just one slice. He said of course he didn't eat bread in the middle of the night (like I was insane). Plus there was a full glass of milk, untouched, on the counter next to the empty bread bag. I don't remember what happened. Scary!

Then this posted after I quit taking Ambien, 5-27-2010
I continue to sleep the sleep of the damned, waking up several times during the night. I've tried all kinds of things, Ambien, Simply Sleep, meditation, quiet time before bed with Sleepytime tea, Melatonin, and sleep techniques I used when I worked a graveyard shift thirty years ago that always worked like a charm. NOTHING is working. Now it's to the point where the more I worry about it, the worse it's getting. I really don't want to go back to the doctor for a sleeping aid, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I just know it's kind of killing me. Everything is in shades of gray when I'm exhausted.

Funny thing, this was in the same post, so about a year ago I was size 10:

One bright spot is I have to retire my size 12 slacks. I have several pairs that I bought last fall because I gained twenty pounds when I was doing all that traveling for work. I've almost lost all of it (19), and now my size 10's all fit. This is the first time in many decades that I'll start summer at the weight I was last summer, which is a weight after losing 75 pounds. Usually by now I would have regained all 75 pounds plus an extra 10-20 for good measure. Of course, I still want to lost another 20+ pounds. Will I ever be happy with my weight? Probably not.

We'll see how this goes, but I don't like the sound of it. How quickly I forgot about the negative aspects of Ambien.

My strange addiction

2011-08-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

I typed this yesterday, a paragraph here and there throughout the day, then forgot to hit "publish" before I went to bed. So this really was my day yesterday, Tuesday.

My addiction isn't as interesting or dangerous as eating my couch (where do they find those people?), but I'm addicted to buying (not eating) magazines. I buy a magazine or two at a time, sometimes I read an article or two, sometimes not. After a couple months (or after watching a Hoarders episode) I throw them all away. Usually 20-30 magazines at a time, mostly health related. Really a waste of money.

I guess I could take then to a senior center, but would they really want to read articles like "Sexy Abs, Butt & Thighs"? There's something similar on almost every magazine cover.

Right now I'm looking at a stack of 25 from June, July, August, September. Everything from Oxygen (my fave), Women's Health, Fitness, Oprah Magazine, Shape, Weight Watchers, Natural Health, Prevention and many more. Some of them I haven't even cracked open.

Normally this is about the time I toss all of them, but since I have all this free time, I'm trying to go through two magazines a day.

So what did I learn today? Tons of stuff.

New exercises that I can do with my right arm.

Several fun, healthy recipes I want to try.

Lots of weight loss tips, like did you know cayenne pepper can reduce cravings. Just 1/2 a teaspoon added to your food (which sounds like a lot to me!). I wonder if this is where that cayenne pepper, lemon and molasses in water fast came from that Beyonce did a few years ago.

A book I'm going to order from the library, Joy Bauer's Food Cures. I read a review on it at the vet's office a few days ago (Woman's Day I think), and then in one of my magazines. Sounds interesting.

Best organic protein powder according to Women's Health, Orgain. I checked out the nutritional information on it and I totally disagree. 255 calories a serving! 13 grams of sugar! 7 grams of fat! And its only 16 grams of protein. Supposedly you get the equivalent of ten servings of fruits and veggies per serving and it's organic (and very expensive)..

I love my MRM Egg White Protein French Vanilla. It's only 120 calories a serving, 0 grams sugar (uses Stevia), 0 grams fat and 23 grams of protein, and it tastes great in my green monster smoothies with a little banana (100 grams), berries (150 grams) and spinach. The only downside is I'm sure it's not from free-range chicken eggs, but you can't have everything.

The truth is all this magazine reading feels a bit like information overload. It's just too much stuff to take in.

Workout bra frustration
I came home from the gym today after an hour of "moderate" cardio (bike, treadmill, crossramp), heart rate 124-134 for most of it so I don't sweat too much into my cast. I was still drenched in sweat. I fought with my workout bra for at least ten minutes and couldn't get it off. It was one of the t-strap kind that's a pull-over type. I can get it on okay but when it's sweaty I need help getting the thing off. Since I was home alone and totally mad and hot and sweaty, I took a pair of scissors and cut it off. That's right, an almost new $35 workout bra in the trash!

Look what I just ordered!
A CastCooler! I'm so excited about this that I can hardly stand it. I want it right now but have to wait 3-5 days for shipping. Especially since my orthopedic surgeon faxed a letter to my work on Monday that I'll be in a cast a minimum of three months. I'm really hoping he's wrong.

Closet cleaning
What was I thinking when I got a wild hair this morning and pulled everything out of my closet (with my one good hand)? Major disaster. It looks like a bomb went off in here. I had good intentions, but forgot how much harder the simplest task is with only one hand. Try putting on fitted bed sheets with one hand (I could write an entire post about that dreadful experience). I did that this morning before I got the crazy closet cleaning bug.

I saw something on the Today show last week that 70% of the junk in our closet shouldn't be there because we don't use it and will never use it. So true but this is a major non-fun chore that I kind of wish I hadn't started! Too late now.

At least I have a lot of time.

Senior Monday

2011-08-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

I had an argument with my husband yesterday. It was about dishes. Enough said.

I decided to go see a movie alone. Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Great movie. I discovered Glaceau Vitaminwater Zero Naturally Sweetened Water Beverage Lemonade (with Stevia). Delicious poured over a cup of ice.

As I was standing in line, waiting to buy my ticket, I noticed the sign said Senior Monday, $6.00. Age 62 and up. Six more years and I'll be a senior. Just think of all the money I can save.

Then it was my turn. I stepped up to the counter and ask for one adult ticket. The young man, about 18, asked "Senior?". I said "yes". I don't know why I did that, but he said okay, took my $6 and gave me a ticket.

I told him "I'm only 56!" He said "too late, I already rung it up." Gee, thanks a lot. As if I didn't already feel lousy, now I can pass for 62 years old.

It's a quarter after one and I need...

2011-08-22T03:33:00.000-07:00

It's a quarter after one and I need...a dry cast! I walked for an hour and a half last night at 8pm. The evening was gorgeous. It was 81 degrees with a nice breeze. I was really pushing myself which resulted in a disgusting and very sweaty cast. I've been tucking Kleenex in it and soaking up the sweat. It's totally gross, cold and clammy and really wet. Next I'm going to try the hairdryer. I was asleep for three hours but the cast woke me up because it's so uncomfortable.

My walk
I found a new trail and I'm very excited about it. It's the same BPA trail in Federal Way, a ten-mile paved loop from my house where I use to ride my bike (too fast...hence broken wrist).

Last night I discovered there's a dirt trail that runs next to the paved trail. It's separated by brush by about 200 feet in most areas. I like this a lot better because the terrain is a lot rougher, much hillier, and fewer people. I had a much harder and more interesting workout last night. Although, I think I'll be buying a can of pepper spray because it's a bit secluded.

What my husband said about my diet and exercising affecting our lives..what I didn't tell you
I was mad and hurt at first. I told him I didn't choose to be like this and it sure as hell wasn't fun for me either. I'd love to eat whatever I wanted whenever the mood struck me (like he does), but if I did I would easily gain 100 pounds very quickly, and more. It's my cross to bear in life, this thing I have with food. I'm doing the best I can, but it will always be a battle for me. Always.

He tried to continue with his reasoning that it causes a lot of hardship for HIM. This isn't the first time we've had this "discussion". I didn't back down before, and I certainly didn't this time. He has no concept of deprivation when it comes to food. He never looks at calories or carbs or fats, or any food label. He's never heard of calorieking.com nor does he care about my BodyMedia.

He's not skinny and needs to lose at least 50 pounds, but he refuses to count calories or track his food, and he basically eats whatever he wants, when he wants it. If he's hungry, he eats. Nor does he exercise except 'working' in the yard.

So when he tells me that me being on a diet all these years has been hard on him, I just want to scream. I sort of understand it, I guess, in a tiny, insignificant way maybe it has impacted him.

I don't cook fat-laden, delicious meals like his mother did when he was growing up.

Or maybe I do always check out how many calories in an item before I eat it, or pick a restaurant based on what's available that I know is healthy and I can eat without totally ruining my diet.

I never eat movie popcorn with him. Does this stop him? I wish it did, but it doesn't. I don't say anything either, like 'do you know how many calories are in that?! OMG!'. I keep my mouth shut and don't make an issue about it. I'm not a popcorn fan so it doesn't bother me, but I know it's very unhealthy for him.

Birthday cakes, I have a sliver then the rest gets cut up in pieces and frozen...all for him.I still haven't figured out why he keeps buying birthday cakes for me (I guess he likes cake?).

Then he told me he resents all the time I spend working out. Those were fighting words. He apparently has no concept of how hard it was, and sometimes still is, for me to exercise almost every day. I consider this a major achievement in my life, to be a person that works out consistently. I've been doing this for over three and a half years and plan on doing it the rest of my life. And he "resents" it?

That's when the conversation took a bad turn because that really me me mad.

I told him I wasn't changing. This was all for my heath. Period. I wasn't going to ever stop my vigilance with food. I will continue to exercise until I'm physically unable to do it. I told that I was sorry this was such a hardship for HIM (I didn't scream it, but I wanted to). I also told him if I didn't do these things I could guarantee him I'd gain a lot of weight very quickly. Didn't he remember how miserable I was at 240 pounds? Talk about not being fun! I was very unhappy..

My husband isn't an ogre nor is he stupid. He quickly apologized, told me he was proud of me, of how hard I try and how much I work at being healthy. He would never want me to stop (that was the correct response if he wanted to stay married).

On the other hand, I'm trying to lighten up a little. That was why I agreed to the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet at a casino. Although in my head I was dreading it (no nutritional info so I had to make my best guess on calories) and I knew there was no way we'd get our money's worth on my dinner.

It's all good. I'm still counting calories and still exercising, and we're still married. :)

I spent the night with Elvis

2011-08-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it wasn't the whole night, only about ninety minutes. It wasn't the real Elvis, but this guy, Elvis impersonator Steve Sogura (who was incredibly and surprisingly good):

It was our 23rd wedding anniversary yesterday. We usually try to do something different or special on our anniversary because it is a special day (Lord only knows how we made it this far).

Since I can't travel (my flight benefits are suspended - which is fine), my husband wanted to go to the Muckleshoot Casino for their all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. Personally, I'd almost rather have my eyes poked out with a sharp stick.

a.) I hate casinos. The noise, the smoking, and watching people that you know can't afford it throwing away good money is all almost more than I can stand. I'm not a gambler and personally, I just do not understand the entertainment value. I've tried it a few times and thought it was boring and a waste of money (obviously Ive never won anything substantial).

b.) All-you-can-eat seafood buffet. Need I say more?

In an effort to be more fun, I agreed to go. A few weeks ago my husband told me that my constant diet and exercise really has had a negative impact on our lives all these years, and he was tired of it (not of me, I guess--just my relationship with food and how I often don't want to do food related activities). He doesn't get it.

I could write a very long post on the previous paragraph but since I only have one good hand, I'll spare you for now.

My review of the Muckleshoot Casino food - yuk! Bad food. I didn't know it was peel your own shrimp and crack your own crab. With only one hand that is almost impossible. My husband offered to do it for me but I didn't like the shrimp (mushy and tasted funny) and the crab was super salty so after one bite I was done with the crab.

My dinner was Northwest salmon (wild Alaskan Chinook is better), smoked salmon (too salty), a few shrimp, a big pile of perfectly steamed broccoli, and cantaloupe and honeydew melon for dessert.

In spite of the food not quite being what we expected, we had a really good time. We decided to go to the free show, the Elvis impersonator, Steve Sogura (from Ravensdale, WA). It sounded a little cheesy and I didn't expect much. I was shocked at how much he sounded, looked and moved like a young Elvis. Especially the voice. He had it down perfectly. My husband, a rather harsh critic, loved the show. I'd highly recommend it (skip the buffet).

Weight this morning, a new low (well, at least this time around): 183.4.

By the way, you'll notice no pictures of me for a while. I had a hair catastrophe earlier this week. A bang trim that butchered my bangs. Almost an inch and a half above my eyebrows, and ash blond on my golden blond hair. I have an appointment to get the color fixed (with my regular color person). The bangs, well, I guess they'll grow. Long story on what happened. Anyway, I'm camera shy right now.

Funny thing, two days after my bad hair experince, Jen, Prior Fat Girl, wrote this post with the video, " I Am Not My Hair" by India Arie. Made me smile.

Wednesday's Cruise in pictures

2011-08-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

The day was fun. Good people, good food, good weather..

I ate as healthy as possible on the cruise considering we had to pre-order the food and no nutritional information available. I had salmon, mashed potatoes that were amazing but I ate only about 1/3 cup, and fresh asparagus. There was bread and a little salad before lunch and strawberry cheesecake afterwards that was the best cheesecake I've ever tasted (I had one very tiny bite). My best guesstimate using BodyMedia to log my food was 670 calories for that one meal. I had even left a lot of food on my plate.

Exercise lacking yesterday but I made up for it today (StairMaster).

Doctor appointment in the morning to review my lab results.

Too tired to write anything else (with my one hand).

What we saw when we got off the chartered bus from our corporate office.

From onboard the boat from the dining room.

From the top deck.

I really wanted to say something worthwhile, but it takes too many words

2011-08-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

Just checking in, me and my one hand.

Weight today is 184.6. Woohoo! Much better than the 199.6 I saw at the doctors office 3 weeks ago, Followup visit with her Friday to review my lab work. Got the results in the mail last night. Looks like she had every possible test run on me. I don't even know what a lot of it means. Guess I'll find out Friday.

I'm off work for three weeks until the cast comes off. I made the decision last Friday and my doctor agreed. I can't type all day with one hand, with the other one up in the air (above my heart) so it doesn't swell. I tried last week and was miserable. I went home each day with major backaches from how I was sitting. Being home with this cast isn't fun so don't envy me. I have over 700 hours of sick leave so I'll be getting paid.

Although I do have an event to attend today. It's my best friend's 35 years with our company celebration today. An Argosy cruise around Puget Sound. It's catered and I ordered the wild salmon. Pictures tomorrow.

That's all for now. Have to get ready and pick up my girlfriend in about an hour and then the company has a chartered bus taking us downtown. Gorgeous weather here so should be fun.

I hope my arm doesn't rot and fall off

2011-08-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry about my continuous complaints about my cast and being one-handed. I know I'm being over dramatic, but I've never had a cast or a broken anything. I kind of hate it.

Every time I whine about some inconvenience of this cast I think of the woman that had her face, eyes, and hands eaten by a chimp Which for some reason that day it was on the news last week I couldn't say the word chimp. I kept saying "shrimp". "Did you hear about the woman that had her face eaten off by a shrimp? I mean shrimp! No, c-h-i-m-p!" It was like I had a stroke or something. Really weird (and maybe a tiny bit funny if such an event can be funny).

Sorry about all the typos in my last few posts. I need to remember spell check!

Now, back to my whining...

The cast drama
I'm trying not to sweat when I go for my walks or go to the gym, but it's impossible! To get my heart rate up to 120-130, which is actually sort of low, I sweat. Normally this is a good thing but my cast is getting super gross. Right now it's wet, sticky and clammy inside. I wake up in the middle of the night and want to rip it off. Then I remember, it's attached to my arm for the next three weeks.

I keep imagining some yucky, stinky fungus growing inside of it. It comes off in three weeks for x-rays but the doctor said the best case scenario is my arm will go back in a cast for two more months. Worst case, surgery (which horrifies me). I'm praying for a one-month miracle.

In other sad news I had a conversation with a trainer at Bally's today (my regular gym). He told me if I have a cast for three months, my arm will shrink 30-40%. Yikes! To build it back up, it will take two months of hard work (exercise) for each month I have the cast on to get it back to where it was before the cast. Another "yikes!".

He did agree that I should keep working out the good arm. I'll be out of balance and freakish looking for a while, but there's not much I can do about it.

Not cured of my food issues but I'm better
Since I started wearing my BodyMedia almost 24/7 and then my accident about a week later, my eating is "almost" under control. I say "almost" because I've been logging every bite and have stayed right around 1500 calories, which is how much I think I should be eating.

BodyMedia thinks I should be eating 1900. That would probably work if I could get in some "vigorous" activity, but that's not happening much these days when I'm trying not to sweat a lot. When they say vigorous that's with a heart rate in the 140s. Not happening.

It's not that I've lost interest in food, I definitely still enjoy it. It seems like when I cut out most sugar right after I got the BodyMedia, that it really helped me get control of my cravings. This is nothing new to me. I've known this was my problem for years, sugar, either processed or too much fruit is my kryptonite. So why is it always such a surprise to me that if I stop eating sugar the cravings subside? I do not have the answer to that question. Selective memory I guess.

Unfortunately Sunday I bought a big box of Yasso frozen Greek yogurt bars (Costco). They're good, but not so delicious that I'd want to eat the whole box (or so I thought). 11 grams of sugar per bar and 70 calories (Dreyers fruit bars are 20 grams of sugar each--too much!).

I ate four Yassos in one sitting last night, AND then three servings of fresh crab (Costco again - 70 calories a serving) AND a perfectly ripe mango (another 160 calories). Total late night snack, 650 calories. I think that's called a binge. Total for the day was 1971 calories. My first binge since July 27.

I guess as long as I learned something from last night it's sort of okay (not really, but I'm working on accepting myself as the flawed human that I am). The lesson is don't eat any sugar late at night. Pretty basic rule. Veggies or protein are okay. Sugar and carbs at 11pm, not okay.

Great recipe
From MizFit's Sunday post - Apple-Bacon-Chicken. It's been my dinner the last two nights. Delicious! I had a few substitutions - Canadian bacon, instead of regular bacon, no oil other than a little Pam, Greek yogurt with a spicy sweet mustard, and a little Stevia. Served over a bed of spinach. Also the apples were organic Fuji's. Sort of a pain to make with one hand, but worth it....so good.

BodyMedia weekly summary - I love this thing!

2011-08-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Just a quick evening update (2 posts in one day typed with on hand!).

This is my BodyMedia's "Performance Summary" for the last seven days. I can get a 7, 14, 21, or 28-day summary. Very cool.

Sleep isn't as bad as it looks because I didn't wear the BodyMedia one night. Too uncomfortable, and fighting with cast and the BodyMedia was too much! I'm getting use to it and sometimes I even forget I have it on (the BodyMedia, NOT the cast!)..

I love this part:

And this one (missed my average daily calories burned by 19 calories...not bad):

I love this one too!

You can see why I'm in love wiyh my BodyMedia. It's a super cool weight loss tool. There are other parts to the report. Every category is broken dow..

Well, my right hand is complaining so bed time!

I found an advantage of having only one good arm--upper body workouts take half the time!

2011-08-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

I Googled "one arm cast workouts" and found several sites suggesting to keep training the arm that isn't in a cast. I had been wondering if I should just let both arms lose their muscle tone (which was killing me). Almost everything I read said that it's best to continue to work out the good arm. They suggested to not increase it's strength but to maintain it. That made me very happy.

Today was my first right-arm strength training routine. I did it at home with 10- and 15-pound dumbbells. It seemed really weird and only took 20 minutes for six exercises (3 sets each and 12 to 15 reps each set).

I have to keep my left arm with the cast up in the air so it doesn't swell. The cast is very snug around my wrist to keep it totally immobile (at least I guess that's why, or maybe it was just to just torture me!). If it swells just a tiny bit the pressure is almost unbearable.

I've been keeping up on the cardio workouts on a regular basis, mostly by walking, but also the gym. I can manage the stationary bike (funny, since I'm this situation because of my bike) and the crossramp. I could probably do the treadmill but I hate that thing. If I'm going to walk, it'll be outside as long as the weather is nice. I can also do the lower body weight machines.

Yesterday I walked to the clinic to have the lab take my blood for a follow-up visit with my regular doctor to check my cholesterol, glucose and all that other stuff. The weather was perfect, about 62 and overcast. Three miles one-way, so it was a nice six-mile walk round-trip. The sun came out on my way home, but still cool. A really nice day.

Since my favorite blood giving vein (my geyser vein for donating blood) is in my left arm which is in the cast up past my elbow, the phlebotomist had a terrible time getting one tiny vial of blood. She couldn't find a vein inside my elbow that would give more than a few drops of bood, She tried the back of my hand. Major burning pain. Then she tried my arm again. Then she give up and got another phlebotomist that found a vein in my forearm. With three bandages on my good arm I walked the three miles home. I'm pretty sure people that saw me on the trail thought I'd been run over by a train or something.

The good arm after the ~~vampires~~ phlebotomists got done with me at the clinic:

Below is what was on the sign at the clinic when I arrived. I never mentioned this but when I got up to 199.8 a few weeks ago I was actually giving some thought to the lapband surgery (only for a few minutes, then I came to my senses). I'm not sure whether to credit my BodyMedia (which I still totally love!) or my broken wrist for my new lack of obsession with food. Maybe it's a little of both. It's something I'll write about in my next post, but I'm still trying to figure it out. I was 187.4 this morning (with my cast which is approximately 2 pounds I think...per Google 2 - 3 lbs.).

Pretty flowers I saw on my way home. I would have barely noticed these if I had been on my bike. Someone told me they're a butterfly bush. I thought they were so pretty we should plant one in our yard. Turns out Washington has deemed them a "noxious weed". Still pretty.

This is the spot on my trail where I crashed my bike two weeks ago. The crash site is located where the person that is farthest away in the picture is standing. There weren't any people on the trail when I crashed. I walked by it yesterday and looked for a pothole or something that made me lose my balance. Nothing but smooth pavement. It doesn't even seem that steep (although I know going up it is really difficult on my bike).

Last but not least, a sketch of a hand and the scaphoid bone. It's the kind of peanut shaped bone, bottom left in the picture. Mine has a major fracture near the forearm and that's why I have full cast from my knuckles almost to my shoulder (which, if I haven't mentioned, is miserable!).

It's taken me several attempts to write this post. Typing with one hand is extremely frustrating and s-l-o-w!

Until tomorrow.

Making lemonade...with a broken wrist?

2011-08-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

I bet you thought I was going to say "making lemonade with lemons". My last few post have been trite sayings, albeit true. Especially the "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

I'll be the first to admit I was a big baby yesterday. I was an emotional wreck. Going in for what I thought was nothing more than an x-ray that I was sure would prove nothing was wrong with me and the pain was totally imaginary, and then walking out with a full knuckles to shoulder cast was devastating. Add in the time of three months minimum in the cast and possible surgery, well, I guess I was in a state of shock. All I could do was cry.

My first thought was my upper body weight lifting. I couldn't lift weghts for three months. That was like the end of my world as I knew it. Yes, I know. BIG BABY.

Then there was all the stuff I couldn't do for myself. Open jars, do my hair, fasten my bra, carry more than one item at a time (like breakfast AND a cup of coffee). Let's not forget my job. I'm a software developer (among other things). It's hard enough to code and type with two hands. Try it with one hand. The list of what I couldn't do was endless.

Of course, top of the list of what I thought I couldn't do was weight loss. My illogical thinking was, great, now I'm physically challenged. I can't exercise. I'll for sure want to eat ALL the time, and of course, lots of bad foods (and don't tell me there aren't any 'bad foods", because in my world there are such things). With no exercise, and eating like a pig I'll definitely balloon up to 300 pounds in no time. I'm doomed! Life as I knew it is over!

That was yesterday. Today was a hell of a LOT better.

I'm not saying any of this is easy, because everything is a lot harder with only one hand. But it's not impossible. Except making a decent looking ponytail. I haven't figured out that trick yet. I just have to focus on being creative in figuring how to do simple tasks with only one hand when two would be much better.

I'm off to bed now, Very tired.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

2011-08-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

Don't I look miserable? I tried to smile but honestly, I just want to cry.

I have a severe fracture of my scaphoid wrist bone. Only the most important bones in my wrist.

A full cast for three months...if I'm lucky. The alternative is surgery in a month if it's not healing properly. I don't like either option but I hate surgery.

Several of you suggested seeing a doctor after my bike accident. Since I was still having wrist pain I scheduled an appointment for this morning with an orthopedic surgeon. I actually saw three surgeons this morning. The first was a young intern, barely wet behind the ears, then the real doctor, then the #1 orthopedic surgeon in the area (at least that's what they told me), he just happen to be down to the Federal Way Clinic from the Seattle Virginia Mason Clinic. He's the one that made the diagnosis and had them put me in this miserable cast.

This is life I guess. Ironic because I love doing upper body workouts. Well, that's not going to happen for three months. I guess I'll focus on abs and lower body. My cardio will have to be walking. Lots and lots of walking.

Even worse than not being able to exercise my regular routine is that I can't type with my left hand. I type for a living, software development. Not good.

I just want to cry.

Before my day went to hell at the doctor's office, I weighed in at 188.4. That was a nice number to see (much better than 199.8 from two weeks ago). It's going to be a real battle to keep going with my weight loss with my arm out of commission, but I intend to keep up the good fight in spite of this setback with the cast.

Another year older...another year better?

2011-08-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today was my 56th birthday. I sort of felt like a wreck this morning. My injuries from my bike crash last weekend are still plaguing me. My wrist still hurts, my knee is still swollen and feels like a water balloon is attached to it, and to make things worse, I woke up with a sore throat and sneezing today. Happy birthday to me.

We had plans to head up to Mt. Rainier to hike at Sunrise. The cooler was packed with healthy food and the backpacks with hiking supplies. I was very disappointed to tell my husband it probably wasn't a good idea for me to go hiking because I felt like crap. Luckily, I'm married to a very understanding person and what could have been a really rotten birthday turned into a day of fun.

My husband brought me a dozen roses and a cute card with kittens that sang happy birthday with kitties meowing. I'm a cat person so it was very appropriate. He signed it "Love, from all of us!".

We sat around in our bathrobes until noon and then ate one of the healthy sandwiches I'd made for lunch. Flatout bread, hummus, spinach, chicken breast. Yummy!

Dessert was birthday cake of course. When my husband took it out of the box I was really surprised he'd picked out such a great cake. It had whip cream frosting with strawberries mixed into the frosting, and it was coated with white chocolate shavings around the outside edge. I was eager to take pictures, and was snapping away as he took it out of the box, making over what a pretty cake he'd chosen. He couldn't stop laughing, and I couldn't figure out why. Can you see what he thought was so hysterical?

I didn't even notice it said 65! I'm 56, NOT 65! Funny guy.

We decided to go see a movie we'd both had been dying to see and we both loved it! I love Westerns and I love Sci-fi. This was a perfect match! Oh, and now I'm in love with Daniel Craig. I hated him as 007, but he was great in this movie. Super sexy guy.

Then we decided to go for a walk down at the boardwalk at Redondo beach:

Me...56 years old! (that's my BodyMedia on my left arm).

After walking around for a about an hour we were hungry, so we went here for dinner. Not my picture because I forgot to take one! From their website.

My dinner...Crab and Shrimp Louie, and a glass of wine (yum..forgot how much I love wine). I only dipped my fork in the wonderful shrimp louie dressing...it was to die for.

On the way back to the car and the sun has gone down.

So overall, it was a pretty great birthday. Being 56 really isn't so bad.

I miss my left hand

2011-08-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

Since my bike accident last Saturday when I sprained my left wrist, my left hand has been pretty useless. I can type (although even typing hurts a little), but I can't even lift a coffee cup without wincing with pain. I accidentally lifted my purse with my left hand today, and it almost brought me to my knees with pain.

I'm really regretting my decision not to see the doctor after my accident. It took the swelling in my hand three days to go down so that it looked more human (it looked like a fake hand), and it's still a bit swollen. I can't wear my wedding ring or my watch. Since it sort of hurts all the time, I've decided to go see the doctor. Even if there's nothing they can do, at least I'll feel better knowing it will heal someday (I hope!).

My most favorite part of going to the gym is the weight lifting. I detest cardio, always have and probably always will. Since lifting even a five-pound dumbbell this week was out of the question, I stayed out of the gym (it kind of broke my heart, but I didn't go). Plus I was trying to give my body time to heal, especially my wrist.

My bike accident was actually pretty serious, and I have the bruises all over my body to prove it. The bruise on the inside of my right knee is amazing. I've never seen anything like it. It's eight inches in length and four inches across. It's still a deep reddish purple, and it's still very sore to the touch and kind of burns all the time (maybe the doctor should look at this too). I was looking at it tongiht and thought it looked swollen. I measured my knees and the bruised one is two inches bigger than my undamaged knee. No wonder it looks so fat!

Even though I stayed out of the gym all week, my BodyMedia really motivated me to still get in my exercise. I set it to give me goals to meet so I would lose two pounds a week. It set my goal at 10,000 steps, one hour of moderate exercise and 30 minutes of vigorous exercise per day. Calorie intake at 1910 per day, although I'm aiming more at 1,300-1500.

These are tough goals to make but I'm amazed at how motivated I am to make them. This BodyMedia is the best investment I've ever made in my weight loss journey (that and my Polar heart rate monitor - I still use it). I know I sound like a commercial, but I really love this thing. I bought the armband and the Bluetooth display. At first I thought the Bluetooth display was a waste of money (for another $99). But it's really fun to check it during the day to see how many calories burned or how many steps I've taken. It makes me get up from my desk and run downstairs to get water and ice (no ice machine on my floor). Just that little jaunt is 100 steps and they all add up.

When I get home, I can't wait to sync up my BodyMedia on my computer to see how I've done during the day and where I am on the calorie deficit. Entering my meals is so much easier than Weight Watchers and a lot more fun because you can see all the details of what you eat.

I was surprised that my total calories each day are almost always a balance of the following: Carbs = 50%, Protein = 25% ,and Fat = 25%. It various a little, but it's been pretty close to that every day, and I'm eating different foods and a different calorie amount almost every day so I can't figure out how this is happening. I don't know if that's a good balance or not, but I think the Zone Diet is 40 / 30 /30. I've never done the Zone Diet but I have a friend that swears by it.

For my exercise I've been walking/running at lunch. When I get home, if I haven't made my exercise goals I go for another walk/run, usually it only takes another 20 minutes. Tonight at 8pm I went for a 25 minute walk/run. I met and actually went above my exercise and step goals.

I've done a fair job of meeting these goals most days. A couple days I either ate too much fruit (darn those nectarines, plums, cherries and apricots!) and/or got stuck at my desk during lunch (like yesterday) and didn't get any exercise.

I was down to 189 on Tuesday, but then my weight jumped back up to 191 the next morning, and I didn't overeat. My guess is it's the swelling in my knee, and my other bruised and injured body parts.

My night binge eating has basically stopped. I don't really know why, other than I can't bear the idea of entering my binge foods into the BodyMedia website. The one night that I did go crazy on the fruit, I entered in every bite. I was at 2005 calories, which is more than I think I should be eating, but seeing how many calories I'd burned that day made me feel a little better.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to the gym to do some lower body weight machines and maybe the StairMaster. When I ballooned up to 199 a couple weeks ago I couldn't even think about the StairMaster, but I'm feeling more fit and ready to tackle it now.

I usually never post what I eat, but just for fun, I thought I'd post my 2005 calorie day from Monday. You can all see what a pig I can be at times. My late night snack was 761 calories!

Here's a fairly decent review on the BodyMedia & BodyBugg (both made by the same company):

http://www.livestrong.com/article/366271-bodymedia-vs-bodybugg/

Post bike crash update

2011-07-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

I slept almost all day today. My body must be trying to repair the damage from my bike crash yesterday. My left hand and wrist are still very swollen, but the pain is more of a mild discomfort. As long as I don't try to use it for anything strenuous, I'm okay.

I re-read this morning's post about my bike crash. Boy, was I ever dramatic! I think it was the Vicodin talking. It was pretty serious, and I could have broken some bones or if I hadn't had on a bike helmet, there's no telling what would have happened to my head when it hit the pavement. Even my biking gloves offered some protection, because one of them had a big rip in it after the crash. That could have been a rip in my hand.

It's kind of funny because about ten minutes before I fell, I saw a guy riding without a helmet, with the wind blowing through his hair. I remembered when I was a kid and we never wore bike helmets. I even thought that the helmets are really for riding in traffic, in case you get hit by a car. My logic was that out on my trail, it's just bicyclists and pedestrians.What could happen to me out there that I would need a helmet for protection. I was really wrong about that one. I need protection from myself!

By the way, just so you all don't think I have a drug habit or something, the Vicodin was left over from my root canal a couple months ago. My dentist insisted on giving me a prescription of 20 pills. I have no idea why he thought I needed them (other than he knows I'm a big baby when it comes to pain). I took one after the root canal, and threw up. The root canal didn't really even hurt much. On the other hand, my wrist hurt so bad last night that given the choice of throwing up or the pain, I'd take the chance on the throwing up. Luckily, the Vicodin didn't affect me like that this time.

I'm still debating on going to the doctor in the morning. I guess I'll see how it feels. Typing still hurts, so I'm not sure how work will be since I type all day for my job.

The reason for my accident was totally because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. I was being careless. When going downhill, rule # 1 is to keep both hands on the handlebars and both eyes on the road. Don't look down at your iPod, try to find the volume to adjust it with one hand, when traveling 15-20 mph going downhill and gaining speed. It's really not a good idea.

Thanks for your kind words in my last post. I really am okay, and I didn't break anything so all is good.

Roxie asked me a question about my BodyMedia, how does it know sleeping versus laying down. I haven't figured that out yet. This is what it says on the web site:

How does the Armband measure my calories, activity, and sleep?

The Armband contains multiple sensors that measure motion, body heat, skin temperature, and conductivity. A proprietary algorithm "crunches" the collected information and the user's personal body parameters to deliver accurate information on calories, activity levels, steps, lying down, and sleep time.

A "proprietary algorithm", I'm not really sure if that's true, or if they're just making something up. I do know that it seems accurate. I notice the times I wake up during the night and looking at the chart the BodyMedia provides when I sync the data, it looks pretty correct. I can remember that I was definitely awake at the times it says I was awake (often 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 4 a.m., 5 a.m.). Even if I don't get up, I wake up and look at the clock.

The other thing Roxie asked me about was about eating carbs in the evening. I've heard this off and on over the years, but never paid attention to it. I've always thought it doesn't matter that much what you eat, it's how much of it you're eating. Of course, healthy, whole foods are better for you, but if you want a sweet treat in the evening, it's okay as long as you count the calories (or Points).

When I'm talking about a treat, for me that always meant a Weight Watchers frozen treat or a Dreyer's frozen juice bar, or some fresh fruit. Or maybe even frozen fruit with Greek yogurt.

I watched a Netflix streaming video a few weeks ago that was about healthy eating and obesity. I actually watched several but I can't remember which one talked about the carb thing. They said you shouldn't eat a lot of carbs in the evening. They didn't say no carbs, just to limit your carb intake in the evening to help control cravings. Since I've never been a fan of low-carb diets, I chose to ignore that piece of advice.

Then last week Gagan, the personal trainer, asked me why I thought I'd gained so much weight. I had told him I'd gained back 40 pounds in about a year and a half. I told him it was because I ate too much healthy food, especially in the evenings. I said I love fruit but I know too much of a good thing is bad. That's when he told me fruit is great for you, but it depends when you eat it. You shouldn't eat it in the evenings because it will cause cravings.

I didn't ask where he'd learned this or the scientific reason for it. I do know he was 40 pounds overweight himself, and lost the weight and now competes in body building competitions. So although I have no explanation of why this would even work, I thought why not give it a shot.

Today is day six without a binge (that's when I had my personal training session with Gagan and he told me about the fruit). It's also day five of using my BodyMedia and tracking all my food. I still eat fruit and carbs during the day, but I've changed my evening snacks to be fruit and carb free. Protein and low-carb vegetables are more of what I'm eating in the evening if I really feel hungry. Oddly, I haven't been hungry in the evenings this past week.

Since I have a huge sweet tooth, this is a big change for me. I can really tell a difference in the cravings and feelings that I want to stuff my face in the evenings. They seem to have disappeared. I can't explain why this is happening, but I feel a sense of freedom when it comes to food. For the first time in, well, forever, I feel like I have some control over what and how much I'm eating.

Maybe it is all in my head, but whether it's mental or physical, it's working and that's all I really care about.

Bike crash & BodyMedia update

2011-07-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, I thought I had killed myself yesterday, and I am NOT kidding. I've had a few spills in the 50+ years I've been riding bicycles, but yesterday was the winner of my worst, most painful bike crash ever.

It was a gorgeous day here in the Pacific Northwest. It was one of those days where you think maybe all those months of miserable, wet, cold weather was worth it. Sunshine, blue skies, 75 degrees, with a slight breeze that had just a hint of coolness. On a scale of 1-10, yesterday's weather was a 10.

We had plans to go to the Seafair parade in downtown Seattle. It's a huge parade and my company is the biggest sponsor. It's called the "Alaska Airlines Seafair Torchlight Parade". Since I hate huge crowds and this event draws thousands of people, I've managed to avoid it for the 23 years we've lived here. Every year my husband asks me if we can go, and every year, being the selfish brat that I am, I say 'NO, you know I hate crowds and that's the last thing I want to do!". For some reason this year I agreed to go. I've had my way for 23 years, I figured it wouldn't kill me to go one year (never again, by the way!).

Back to the bike ride....
I decided to ride down to the mall on the BPA trail, it's the one I do all the time because the trailhead is only 1/4 mile from my house. It's a 5-mile, one-way paved trail. It's a great cardio workout biking 10 miles with a few killer hills in there. Emphasis on "killer". I got to the mall with no problems, bought a couple cute tops, one to wear to the parade, and then headed home.

I was heading down one really steep hill, thinking how much I totally love biking. I especially like going down long, steep hills on my way home because I remember how tough they were going the other way. It's like my reward. I have slowed down quite a bit since they posted 20 mph signs on the trail, but I still go too fast.

As I was starting down this one particular hill where I can see for at least 1/2 mile, I wanted to turn up the volume on my iPod. It was a great song (can't remember what it was, but a current favorite). I was probably going about 15 mph when I reached down to mess with the iPod's volume when I lost control of my bike.

I can't remember exactly what happened, other than I literally flipped in the air with my right hand holding onto my bike, trying to get control. My head smacked against the pavement, I could hear and feel the plastic of my helmet hit the pavement hard. I remember thinking at that moment, I might die.

I took my left hand and reached behind me to try andbreak my fall before my head hit, but with all my weight and the weight of the bike, my wrist couldn't stop it. After my head hit, my left shoulder and elbow hit. I was wearing a tank top and my skin was shaved off my shoulder and my left elbow.

I still can't figure out what happened to my legs, they both got entangled in the bike. Both of them have terrible bruises.

The only people were down at the opposite end of the hill. I don't know if they saw me, but no one came running to help. Now the funny thing. Even though I was in complete agony, my first thought (after "is anything broken?"), was my BodyMedia. It was on my left arm which hit the hardest: was it broken? It's not broken but it got scraped up pretty bad. Thankfully, it still works.

My bike chain had come off, but I got it back on. My bike seat that was a special, nicely padded $40 bike seat is has a huge slice horizontal slice in it, so it needs to be replaced. My bike bell has the lever broken off and the odometer is missing. I guess it fell off but I didn't notice (this is the second one I've lost and at $30 a pop, I think I'm done with the odometers).

I called my husband to come get me at the next street intersection, about a mile away. My wrist hurt so bad that I thought it might be broken. I managed to ride my bike to that street, although it was making a terrible clicking sound and my left wrist was killing me (I thought it might be broken).

My husband met me within a few minutes of me getting to the street. He came with an ice pack and a towel for the blood I guess, but I really wasn't bleeding that bad. I guess when I called him I scared the crap out of him because I was crying and said I was in a lot of pain.

After a inspecting my injuries, we decided I didn't need to go to the doctor. My wrist is sprained pretty bad, but it's not broken. We went to the parade where there were literally thousands of people on the streets waiting for the parade to start. Luckily we had been smart enough to purchase VIP bleacher seats so we didn't have to stand around with the masses. Just getting to the bleachers was agony as people kept bumping into my left shoulder and arm.

We found a drugstore and bought a couple of those instant ice packs and a soft wrist brace. That and the two Vicodin I took got me through the agony of my throbbing wrist, while watching the parade. Actually, it wasn't that bad and my husband enjoyed it. We were sitting next to a really nice lady that was super excited that her 13-year old daughter's drill team was in the parade. It was 2 1/2 hours long, but it wasn't as awful as I expected. Personally, I think our little Golden Days parade in Fairbanks is a lot more fun, but then when I go to that one it's with all my family and we have a blast together.

Anyway, I'm surviving. My wrist is still hurting and swollen up a lot, but the Vicodin is really helping. Typing hurts, so I don't know how work will go tomorrow. I guess weight lifting is out of the question for a while, and I'll probably delay joining my other gym for a week or so, or until my wrist heals. Oh well, such is life.

BodyMedia Update
I LOVE my BodyMedia! This is the coolest thing I've ever bought to help with my weight loss. I could write about it for hours, singing it's praises, but I'm going to be brief because I'm quickly losing my ability to stay awake (Vicodin), and my wrist is killing me. The good news is that I'm down to 189. I credit this to a couple things, number one is my BodyMedia, and number two is the bit of nutrition advice my personal trainer gave me. He's not really "my" personal trainer. I just have him two sessions with him at my new gym.

The nutrition advice that really seems to have made a difference is cutting out most carbs and all sugars (including fruit) after about 4pm. I can't believe how my body is reacting to this. I started doing this on Tuesday, when I had my training session and got this tip, and it's five days later without a single binge. It hasn't even been hard. I just don't think much about it.

I also gave up my thinwich, Canadian bacon,2% cheese, egg breakfast sandwich for a fruit/spinach protein shake after my morning workouts. As Gagan explained, the fat in that sandwich slowed down the absorption of the nutrients by my muscles. After a hard cardio workout I need to get the nutrients in my body as quickly as possible. I'm not sure if that's factual or not, but it makes snese. Since it's helping me lose weight, I'm going to keep on doing it.

First, here's a picture of yesterday's stats from my BodyMedia:

What's really cool is that each one of these items expand and you can view it in detail. Check out my sleep:

Remember how I said how I said I wasn't sleeping? Well, turns out I'm not sleeping very well at all. In fact, Friday night when I went to bed super early, and was in bed for ten hours, I only actually slept 6:08 hours! Thursday night was even worse, I as laying down for six hours and only slept 3:41 hours. My sleep efficiency is running around 60%, meaning I only sleep a little over half the time I'm in bed. I think this is actually pretty accurate, because I constantly feel sleep deprived.

One more picture, of the meals section. Since I started using this three days ago I've added every bite I've eaten into their meal tracker. It's about 100 times easier to use than the Weight Watchers tracker. Plus, it breaks down all the nutrients you're eating, as well as the percentage of protein, carbs and fat. Points are okay I guess, but this has a lot more detail and it's a lot easier to use. I just love it!

You'll notice I only had 983 calories yesterday. That's because of the bike accident. Normally I'm eating around 1300-1500. Considering I burned 3114 calories yesterday, that is definitely not enough food!

I could literally go on and on about my BodyMedia, but I'm really fading fast. It's only 9am, but it was a rough night!

One last picture, of one of my bruises from my bike crash. I can't believe I'm showing you all my fat thigh, but you've got to see this:

And my poor shoulder:

Happy girl!

2011-07-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in a crazy, happy mood tonight. I'm not completely sure why, I just know I feel...well...happy!

I just got back from an evening bike ride...

Rule #1 of biking
Don't stop and get off your bike when going up a steep hill. Even if your heart rate is at 161 and you're positive you're seconds away from a massive coronary, DO NOT STOP! Especially if there are people walking on your trail. They will watch you struggle to get going back up that steep hill. Sure, they're laughing "with you" as you fall off, over and over again!

Rule #2
Beware of little kids on bikes with training wheels. They do not know what they're doing or where they're going. As far as they're concerned, they own the road and you're in their way. I almost crash twice tonight because kids decided to switch sides and ride on the wrong side when I was about ten feet from them. Crazy kids!

I can't believe it's Thursday and I haven't posted since Saturday. Especially when things are going really well for a change.

A recap of my week:

1. I'm joining another gym! I still belong to the Bally's close to my house, and now I'm joining a gym that's about five minutes from my work for my lunch hour workouts a few times a week.

That's what I did when I started Weight Watchers 3 1/2 years ago and it really helped. The people that work there are super friendly and it's only $19/month, with no contract. Cancel anytime. It's a smaller gym, but they have plenty of equipment and weights, and it's not crowded.

They gave me a two-week pass to try it, with no pressure to join. Plus two training sessions. I had my first one yesterday, and he tried to kill me. I forgot how a trainer can really hurt you. I could barely walk this morning from lunges and squats. Rule #1 of working out with a personal trainer, never tell them the exercises you hate the most because that's the ones they'll make you do over and over. He's a super sweet, young man, with a very hot body. He competes in body building contests, so he knows his stuff. He's also a nutritionist, and I'm going to schedule an appointment with to talk about what I should really be eating to lose weight and gain muscle.

2. I'm down from 199 to 191 this morning. Thank God! I was scaring the crap out of myself that I was soon going to be right back at 240. Gagan, the trainer, gave me a tip that's really helping with my cravings. He told me to stick with my protein shakes after my morning workout (with fruit, protein powder and spinach), and try to stop eating fruit around 3pm. I can't believe the difference it's made this week. I also cut out the Weight Watcher ice cream bars and Dreyer's frozen fruit bars. Apparently, if you eat sugar at night, including fructose, it causes cravings. I had no idea!

3. Body Media - I love this thing! I got it a couple days ago, but I didn't set it up until tonight. It's pretty cool, and kept an excellent record of my biking. It said I had 30 minutes of moderate exercise and 44 minutes of vigorous. I noticed my heart was higher than usual tonight. I still wear my heart rate monitor and often it was in the 158-161 range. Which is really high for me. Remember I'm old, almost 56 and my resting heart rate is 52. Old people have a slower heart rate.

It's after 11pm so I have to go to bed. I'm exhausted! I hope I wake up as happy in the morning as I feel right now. I sort of doubt. I'm never a happy morning person.

Falling down and forgiveness

2011-07-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

My bike ride was awesome! It was the best bike ride I've had in a long time. Perfect weather, 71 degrees going to the gym and 75 degrees coming home, with a light, cool breeze. Sunshine and not a cloud in the sky. I LOVE the Pacific Northwest when the sun shines!

It took 45 minutes to get to the gym. Normally it's 22 minutes going fast, really pushing myself going up the hills. Today I decided not to race to get there. I thought of it more as a therapy bike ride. Enjoy the scenery, get my heart rate up but don't kill myself doing it. I found the hills a lot more challenging at my heavier weight (193 this morning).

The gym was almost empty, which was really nice. I did weights for an entire hour and there were only a couple guys in the free weights area. I had planned on a lower body workout but I remembered the last time I biked to the gym and then did a lower body workout. I almost didn't make it home. So it was upper body, a full hour-long workout.

Somehow, and I'm really not sure how it happened, I fell off my bike while standing still in the parking lot of the gym. I know that sounds crazy, and it happened so fast that I'm not even sure how it happened, but it did. I was just about to start riding out of the parking lot, when I fell over and crashed into some beauty bark on my right knee. I tangled myself up in my bike, then rolled onto the pavement, scraping a lot of skin off of my knee.

It was kind of embarrassing, but not too many people saw me. After brushing myself off, I quickly got out of there. I made it home in 22 minutes. My knee still hurts and burns. Probably beauty bark poisoning or something.

While I was riding home I thought about something I saw in a notebook that I found in my little backpack I use when I bike. I always take a notebook to the gym with me to keep a record of my workouts. The last workout date in this one was April 23, 2011. I have one in my car that I used every day, but decided to use this one since it was already in the backpack. I accidentally dropped it, and it flipped open to the last page. I saw the following, written in my handwriting:

I have no idea why I wrote those words. It sounds like something to do with gaining weight. Specifically gaining a lot of weight after losing a lot of weight. Maybe I saw it on TV or read it in a book or a magazine. I may have even read it on someones blog.

Since I don't really know where I heard it, I can't give the correct person credit, but it makes a lot of sense regarding my weight gain. My gain of 40 pounds in a year and a half, after an 85-pound weight loss, has caused me to feel each one of these emotions very deeply. It's been a painful journey re-gaining this weight.

1. Ashamed. There are few things in life more embarrassing than losing a lot of weight and then gaining it back. When I lost weight, people were constantly telling me how great I looked. When I started gaining it back, people had no idea what to say, so out of politeness, they said nothing. I know they notice it, how could they not see it. It's so blatantly obvious as I get bigger and my clothes get tighter.

2. Angry. I was really angry about my weight gain for a long time. Angry mostly at myself, but also at the unfairness of it all. Unfairness that I have these issues with food, and that I can't eat anything I want to eat. Unfairness that I love food so much, too much, and even the mere fact that I love food makes me angry. I've gone through the "why me?" many times, but ultimately, it's pointless to be so angry about something that just "is".

3. Afraid. I remember this one really well, in fact, I still have a little bit of fear about my weight. The fear of gaining all of it back, the fear of never being able to lose the weight I've re-gained, and the fear that I'll be even fatter than before, that I'll make it up to 300+ pounds.

I've relaxed quite a bit about being afraid of my weight. I'm not heartbroken about the weight gain anymore, nor do I fear gaining a ton more weight. I'm feeling confident that I'll lose it again. I still think a little fear about gaining weight is a good thing. Too much fear is damaging to my soul. A little fear keeps me on my toes.

4. Forgiveness. It's been a long haul but somehow I have made it to this one. I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes. Simply put, I screwed up a good thing. It's okay. I'm allowed to screw up as long as I don't dwell on my past mistakes, forgive myself and move forward.

Forgiveness of one's own transgressions is a lot harder than forgiving someone else. We're harder on ourselves than we are on other people. Kind of crazy that we're built that way, but it just seems like that's how most of us function. If someone else messes up, we're kind and caring, we understand how things can happen. We forgive them. But let us screw up our own life by gaining weight and holy crap, you'd think we'd committed a murder. The simple fact is that I ate too much food, and I gained weight. That's all there is to it. I didn't hurt anyone in the process except myself.

Forgiveness. It's good for the soul. Falling off my bike or falling off my diet, it's all kind of the same thing. I just have to get back up, brush myself off, and keep on going. Of course it's embarrassing, but there's really no other option.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pictures from my bike ride today...

A new sign that was put up at the trail head in the last few months. Funny thing, but I saw a coyote cross the road, right in front of my car on the way to the gym a few weeks ago. Kind of scary. At first I thought it was a big, skinny weird looking dog, but then I realized, that's a coyote!

I'm sure you're all thinking, not another Mt. Rainier picture! Sorry, I just can't get enough of this mountain. I love it. When it's clear out it looks like I could just reach out and touch it. In reality it's about 60 miles away.

The part of the trail I prefer to ride my bike, but I decided after seeing the coyote sign maybe I'd better stay on the paved trail instead of wandering off into the woods by myself.

Just part of the trail. And yes, there's a horrible power line that runs along the side of the trail. I'm sure I'm getting an extra dose of cancer-causing electricity jolted through my body when I ride next to it.

Just a picture of me, not exactly flattering. I was trying to get Mt. Rainier in the picture, it's behind me somewhere, but somehow I totally missed getting it in the picture.

Part of the trail that's fun going down, not so fun going up on the other side. I can't believe how much harder the hills are now that I'm so much heavier. I thought I was going to have to walk my bike up some of the hills, but I forced myself to do it. It wasn't easy and my heart rate was up to 155 at one point, but I did it!

Dinner tonight was wonderful. Kalbi chicken breasts that I bought ready to cook from the neighborhood butcher, and fresh broccoli and sweet corn on the cob from the neighborhood produce store. I stopped in on my way home and tied the bags to my bike handle bars for the last two blocks home. It made for a perfect ending to a perfect day.

Note: you may notice I took down my old "after" picture where I weighed 152. It use to be on the right side. I didn't like to look at it because every time I saw it, it made me a little bit sad. I'll post new pictures when I lose some weight.

Where is the time going?

2011-07-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

It's really true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies. As I'm approaching 56 in a couple of weeks I feel like time is speeding up. What seems like a few days is actually a few weeks. It's like I'm living a movie where everything is being fast-forwarded.

That's part of the reason my posts have been so few and far between. Every day I think of several topics I want to write about, but I never seem to find the time to actually sit down and write.

It's the same with my dieting. Almost every day ends on the same note...well, I screwed up again today, but there's always tomorrow. I've been saying that for weeks, or actually, I guess it's been months, perhaps even years now.

How have I been doing?
I've been doing better in all areas of my life. Not perfect, just better.

Work is still work, and I've decided to learn something new at work. All my protesting that I didn't want to learn anything new is what led me down the path of my job ending in a few years.

I work in IT. It's a changing world. If I want to stay in IT I have to change with it. I don't know why it took me so long to accept this fact, but I have and now it's time to get going on learning the new technologies that I was unreasonably dead set on not learning. I decided that was a career ending move on my part, and now is not the time to end a career. I'm almost 56 and we're in an economical crisis here in the United States with record unemployment rates. It's really not the time to consider a career change. I've accepted this and it's made things much better in my workplace.

The unending quest to lose weight continues. Sometimes I amaze myself at my refusal to give up on losing weight, especially considering I've felt like a miserable failure in the weight loss arena for many months now.

Since Monday I managed to lose six pounds, from 199 to 193. Some of that weight loss is from the Triamterene blood pressure meds, a very low-dose diuretic. My BP is now 121/62, a huge improvement from 148/98 that it was on Monday. I hate taking a medication, but I hate the possibility of a stroke or doing damage to my heart even more than I hate taking a tiny pill each day.

I cut back quite a bit on my food intake last week so I know it wasn't all water weight that I lost. My binge food all week was cherries. The Asian market, HMart, sells the most incredible tasting local sweet dark red cherries as well as Rainier cherries at a crazy low price ($1.49 & $1.99 a pound). I think I've finally eaten my fill of them for a while. I'm actually glad they're seasonal because I was wondering if I'd ever get tired of them.

My exercise is still not up to the level it should be. I keep finding reasons to skip the gym in the mornings. In the last week I only went four times (since last Saturday). That might sound good to a lot of people, but it's not that good for me. Five or six times would be better, and what I've been doing the past three years. My latest excuse is I'm tired and sleep is more important than exercise. They're both important. I really shouldn't be making a choice of which is more important, but when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I often go with the sleep is more important.

Speaking of sleep, I think the Melatonin is actually working for me. I've been waking up less in the middle of the night and my sleep feels deeper and more restful. When I get up I don't feel groggy or exhausted. There's a lot of conflicting information out there on the internet regarding Melatonin, some say it works, others say it doesn't.

The most interesting thing I read is that melatonin is naturally secreted by the pineal gland in the brain. As we age, our brain secretes less of the hormone, which is possibly why older people have trouble sleeping. Of course, they're still doing research to prove this fact. At least I didn't read about any negative effects. The worst case is that it doesn't do anything. Maybe it's all in my head, but I really think it's helping.

Well, as I said when I started this post, time is slipping by me. I have a lot of things to get done today, top of the list is physical activity. My plan is to bike ride to the gym, then a lower body weight workout, then ride home. The temperature is suppose to get up to 80 degrees today. So far this year, we've had 78 minutes of temperatures at 80 or above here in the Seattle area (I think the highest was 81 one day for a couple of minutes). It's the running joke around her, 78 minutes of summer so far this year.

Almost forgot to mention my Body Media. It was sent out on the delivery truck yesterday morning by UPS at 9 a.m. for delivery by the end of the day. It never arrived. I checked the UPS tracking site at about 9pm and they changed the delivery to Monday. Slightly annoying since I live about three miles from the UPS station that was the delivery truck origin. I was really hoping to play with it this weekend, but looks like I have to wait until next week.

Now for a quick breakfast and get out on my bike, hopefully for noon before our Northwest "heat wave" hits. I'm sure folks in the 105 temps find it pretty funny that we think 80 is is HOT.

On the agenda for tomorrow is a hike up near Mt. Rainier. My husband said he wants to go, and since it's our first nice weather weekend in weeks, we're going!

I think I'd rather be tired

2011-07-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

I took my first doctor-prescribed sleeping pill last night. I slept horribly, worse than usual. I woke up with a severe headache at 4 a.m. It felt like my head was in a vise and someone was tightening the vise every few minutes. It was insanely painful. I felt extremely nauseous too. My husband brought me aspirin and a glass of water, but it didn't even begin to phase the pain.

When the headache finally eased up enough that I could get out of bed (around noon), I looked up the possible side effects of the "sleep aid" my doctor had prescribed.

The drug is Trazodone HCL. It turns out it's not really a sleep aid, it's really an anti-depressant. Since it's a hypnotic, it's off-label use is to cause drowsiness for insomniacs. If it's used as a sleep aid, the it's only one dose a day. If used as an anti-depressant, the dosage is three times a day. Since I'm not depressed, the doctor prescribed on tablet at bedtime.

Check out these possible side effects:

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Trazodone:

Blurred vision; constipation; decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; lightheadedness when sitting up or standing; muscle aches or pains; nausea; nervousness; stomach pain; stuffy nose; tiredness.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Trazodone:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); black, tarry, or bloody stools; bloody or dark urine; chest pain; decreased coordination; fainting; fever, chills, or sore throat; hallucinations; irregular heartbeat; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, trouble sleeping, or inability to sit still; prolonged, inappropriate, or painful erections; seizures; severe or persistent dizziness or tiredness; shortness of breath; speech problems; suicidal thoughts or actions; swelling of the hands, ankles, or feet; symptoms of low blood sodium levels (eg, confusion, persistent headache, trouble concentrating, memory problems, weakness, unsteadiness, sluggishness, personality changes); tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weight changes; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; yellowing of the eyes or skin.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? It's not worth it. I'm back to the Melatonin and Sleepytime herbal tea (I'm sipping a cup right now). My doctor has also suggested a sleep study, which I'm seriously considering. My niece has sleep apnea, and has a CPAP machine. She says it makes a huge difference in how much rested she feels. I don't like the idea of being hooked up to a machine when I sleep, but I also don't like feeling exhausted all the time.

Exercise and Diet
Good news! I feel totally back in control of my eating. Thank God! I've had my eating in control for two whole days. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but it's the first two consecutive days in weeks that I kept my eating in check. I'm journaling all my food, and keeping my calorie count under 1500.

This afternoon I went to the gym. I almost didn't go, because even though my headache was gone, it felt like it was on the verge of coming back. My eyes felt tender and almost sore from the pain earlier in the day. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I worked out. Amazingly, it worked! I did a full hour of cardio, 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the cross-ramp. Then 40 minutes of upper body weights. I burned 628 calories according to my heart rate monitor, in an hour and 40 minutes. Happy dance!

The Body Media
I ordered my Body Media with the wrist display tonight. It should ship tomorrow and be here by Friday. It's a lot like the Body Bugg, except it also measures your sleep. It comes with a "free" 12-month subscription (I think the BodyBugg does too).

I'm not sure how it measures sleep, but my friend at work said it really does work. She thought it sensed when you were laying down. I'm not sure it'll be accurate on my sleep (or lack of sleep).

The best things I've ever purchased for myself were my Polar heart rate monitor and iPod. Those two items have made made a world of difference in my exercise. I'm actually on my third heart rate monitor and third iPod in four years. I think the Body Media will be another tool to help me get to my goal.

I guess the SleepyTime and Melatonin are kicking in. I'm finally feeling tired. It's almost 10:30pm. Hopefully this will be a more restful night.

My annual physical wasn't fun

2011-07-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm not dying, at least not yet. I had my annual physical today and my doctor isn't happy with me. She asked me what happened, how did I gain so much weight since March 2010 (my last physical).

I was 173 pounds in March 2010, and I was 199.4 on the doctor's scales today. She wanted to know why I'd gained so much weight. I didn't have an answer. I honestly don't know what happened. I told her I guess I was eating too much.

My doctor is a tiny Asian woman, probably a size 0, really nice and very smart. She's the one that looked at my neck last year and spotted my enlarged thyroid (which resulted in an ultrasound and biopsy of my thyroid).

Even though she's sweet, she doesn't mince words when it comes to my health. She told me this was a lot of weight to gain in one year and it was having a very serious impact on my body. My blood pressure was up to 148/88, and she put me back blood pressure medication.

In one month I have to go back to see her again so she can see how my blood pressure is doing. She also wants me to wait one month to get all the blood work done for all the other stuff (glucose check, cholesterol and triglycerides, vitamin D and a reactive C protein test for my heart) and she wants to review everything with me.

This is a lot more important than my concerns about how I look at this weight or the fact that none of my clothes fit. This is dead serious business. My health is at stake and frankly, I'm a little scared. What if I'm diabetic? Or what if I have a stroke or drop dead of a heart attack, or worse yet, live through a heart attack with a damaged heart? What am I doing to myself?

This has really made me take stock of my issues with food and my weight. I guess I thought gaining weight wasn't that big of a deal. So my clothes don't fit or I "feel" fat and ugly. That stuff really doesn't matter that much. My health, that's a different story. Once it's gone, it's hard, if not impossible to get it back.

So I'm making some changes. The most immediate is to get decent sleep. I've been failing in this area for years, short-changing myself on sleep almost every night.

Of course, there's the eating. I need some sort of plan. I always seem to need a gimmick to get jump started. My new plan is to use the Body Media. Someone at work has been wearing one and she swears by it. I haven't ordered it yet, but plan to by this weekend.

Last, but not least is my exercise. I've been slacking in the exercise area, going to the gym only three or four times a week, and then not really giving it 110%. I've really just been going through the motions. That has to change.

I have a lot more that I want to write about, but I have to be off the computer in two minutes (8:45pm). New rule. Darkened room, and then lights out by 9pm.

How did I let this happen!? 197.0

2011-07-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

The post below "Happy to be home" was suppose to have been published last night but I guess I forgot to hit the publish button.

Yesterday when I weighed in first thing in the morning I was 196.2. This morning I was 197! What the heck is happening?! I thought I ate carefully yesterday, but I didn't write down anything. I guess I ate more than I thought. I slept horribly last night, tossing and turning, waking up several times.

Seriously, I really can't believe I let this happen to myself. I'm almost up to 200 pounds. I feel awful, mentally and physically.

I went to the gym this morning, 30 minutes elliptical (thought I was going to die!), and 40 minutes weights. Looking at myself in the gym mirrors was pretty horrifying. I kept asking myself over and over, why did you do this to yourself? My face looks distorted, and my body looks like I'm wearing a fat suit.

There's really not much to say about the situation I got myself into with my weight. I'm going to have to work really hard to get it off again. It's sort of like my worst nightmare is coming true. Now I'm awake and I'm living the nightmare of obesity, again.

My plan today is to document every bite I eat. A very boring task, but it's the only thing that works for me.

I'm off to work now, as soon as I find something to wear. Finding something that fits is going to be challenging. The size 16's in my closet are probably going to be really tight. Letting this happen to myself was probably the most unkind thing I could do. If I didn't know better, I would think that maybe I hate myself. Why else would I chose to make myself so miserable?

Happy to be home! Not happy to be 196.2.

2011-07-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Vacation? Not really.
I'm back from vacation in Alaska. Actually, I'm not sure I'd call it a vacation. It was more visiting family, something I wouldn't recommend doing for twelve days without a break.

I love my sister and we get along great. We can talk for hours about everything and about nothing. It's the rest of the family that was kind of driving me a bit nuts after a while. My three nieces and their husbands and children, and their children's children.

My 21-year old great niece has a three-year old. I love and adore both of them, especially the three-year old. The three-year old, Layla, decided to make me her best friend. I know this because she told me, "Aunt Diana, I've decided I want you to be my best friend." Layla speaks in complete sentences with an amazing vocabulary, and I could understand every word she said (she turned three two months ago). Even though she was a lot of fun, and I was amazed at her intelligence (you can't imagine how many times I said "is she really only three?!), she wore me out!

One day Layla told her grandmother (my niece) the following: "Grandma, you are fat, fat, fat!". Of course everyone attacked Layla and told her that was very rude. She said she was sorry. I didn't hear about this incident until later in the day when my niece told me about it and how much it hurt her feelings. Layla was sitting on my lap. Layla said to me, "But I said I was sorry!" I told her that when you say something mean to someone, even though you tell them you're sorry, it still hurts the person. Calling someone fat isn't nice, and it hurts the person. You don't want to hurt people, do you? She said no. Then I looked at her and said I know you're only three, but I know you understand me. She looked me in the eye, and said, "Yes, Aunt Diana, I understand you. I'm sorry, and I won't do it again". She really is only three, but not too young to learn that words hurt.

It was constant motion and constant conversation for twelve days. As a result, I'm exhausted. It was fun, but it was also stressful at times. Family dynamics can be complicated. I love them all, but I'm very happy to be home, 1500 miles away from them.

About the weight...196.2
You read the number right, it's not a typo - I weighed 196.2 this morning. Because of all the kids around at my sister's house, there was a lot of kid-friendly food. Cookies, candy, ice cream. All the things I love. A cookie for Layla, a cookie for me. Ice cream for Layla, ice cream for me. A few pieces of candy for Layla, a few for me. She was my eating buddy. She was also a ball of energy, constantly in motion, and tiny. I was a couch potato except for the three days I managed to go to the gym.

This recent weight gain is depressing and it hurts. My body is achy and I feel like a big, fat cow. Please don't leave a comment that it's okay and that I'm not fat and shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am huge, and I need to be hard on myself.

Today is day one of being back on track. I know the drill. Exercise and reduced food intake and of course, no sweets. It's hard to get back on track. Once I start gaining weight, I can't seem to stop eating. It's a vicious cycle. On the other hand, I know it's not impossible. I've done it before, I can do it again.

One day at a time, right?

For some reason, I didn't take very many pictures this trip. I just wasn't in the mood. I can't publish this and not post a picture of Layla. She's the little one in the picture below. You can see why I fell in love with her. The others are her mom, the gorgeous 21-year old Joanna, and one of my great nephews, Robert (he's nine and every picture I have of him has his eye's closed) and another great niece (from New Jersey), Cassie, she's 10. And if you're wondering, Layla is named after the Eric Clapton song, Layla.

A post about Alaska isn't complete without a picture of a moose. This was taken from the living room window at my sister's house. One of my niece's husbands and I spent an afternoon after this picture was taken cutting brush and branches out of trees so you could see the river better (and the moose). Hard work! I think I saw at least ten moose while I was there. I sort of lost count, but there were a lot of them.

Hello from Alaska!

2011-07-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm at my sister's house in Alaska and loving it! She lives 30 miles outside of Fairbanks, near Moose Creek. Very aptly named because there are moose everywhere here! I've seen four moose in two days. Sorry, I'd post pictures but I can't figure out how to do it on this stupid Apple computer.

I love the summers here, except for the mosquitoes, which just about ate us alive yesterday. This is a very bad year for mosquitoes. They were so bad last night that I almost freaked out about it...and I'm from here!

It was like we were being swarmed by mosquitoes, it was something out of a horror movie. Hundreds of them landing on any spot of bare skin they could find for a feeding frenzy. It was really awful. Then immediately afterward there was a huge rainstorm, so I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. I've never seen mosquitoes swarm like that and considering I grew up on a homestead up here, that's pretty amazing.

Anyway, I love visiting with family. Today everyone is coming over, including all my nieces and their husbands, my brother and his wife, the grandkids and great-grandkids.

Tomorrow my niece from New Jersey and her family will be arriving (on a 1:37am flight--yuk). I'm really excited about seeing them. We haven't seen them in over 20 years. We've been talking non-stop on the phone for two weeks, after reconnecting. They're super nice and really fun people.

My brother has a big camping trip planned for some of us (my sister refuses to go--she's more of a RV kind of camper). We'll be going to a place called Ken's Pond, by Donnelly Dome (about 100 miles south of Fairbanks). Here's a video he took of it last year. It's remote with only one public use cabin that he's reserved for us, right on a lake. We have to use the 4-wheelers to get back to it. Hopefully, I'll have my own pictures of it when I get back.

Diet is going okay, but it could be better (I had three cookies last night). Exercise is non-existent since we sit around and visit all day, but I plan on walking down to the Tanana River today, about two miles down the road, if I can talk someone in to it. I might even go by myself.

Anyway, I'm happy to be here. It's so relaxing, and I don't miss work at all. I finally feel myself letting go of the stresses of my job and that's a really good feeling.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

Going to hell in a handbasket

2011-06-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for so long that when I went to sign in this morning I hesitated for a moment because I couldn't remember my password. I've thought about blogging, but when things aren't going well, I don't like to blog about it.

I had been blogging for months about how poorly I'm doing with trying to lose weight. Same shit, different day. I know it must be boring to read, and it sure is boring to write about too.

I was called this at 3:40 a.m. today with a severity one work issue. Sev 1's mean it has to be resolved within 30 minutes or a conference phone bridge is opened, and managers and directors from several areas of IT get on the bridge. It's not at all fun. In fact, it's downright stressful to the bone. Especially when you're the one in the hot seat trying to resolve the problem. In the past two weeks, I've had five Sev 1 calls, and several sev 2's (almost as bad, but not quite). That's unheard of, but it happened. The problem this morning turned out to belong to another team. Thank you Jesus. Really, I mean it.

About the diet and exercise, well, since I haven't been blogging it should be obvious that it's not going well. In fact, it's going horrible. Each day I get up with new resolve, and each day I fail. A lot of my problems are coming from work. I have added responsibilities since two people left our team (without added pay, I might add). The responsibilities aren't temporary until more people are hired, they are permanent (did I mention no additional pay). It adds a whole new layer of stress at my work, and I see it coming out in my eating and exercise habits.

I don't have time for snacks at work. I barely have time for lunch and definitely no time for a walk at lunch. I'm so exhausted that my six days of working out have fallen to three. I haven't tracked my food, although I try to eat healthy most of the time, I'm still eating too much. I have eaten candy and cookies in the last week, which is something new for me. In the past three and half years my binge foods have been chicken breasts or too much fruit or something else relatively healthy.

The only thing that might save me is I have vacation starting Thursday. I'm going to Fairbanks to see my sister (and the rest of the family, but mainly my sister). My niece (my brother's daughter) and her family are flying up from New Jersey on July 4. I haven't seen her in over twenty years. Long story about my brother's first marriage, and now his daughter wants to reconnect with the family. I've talked to her and her husband on the phone several times in the past two weeks, and I'm really looking forward to seeing her and meeting her husband and 10-year old daughter in person.

I spent a lot of time one summer in 1974 with her mother (my brother's first wife and his best one...he's on #3 now) while my brother was working up on the North Slope in Alaska (trans-Alaska pipeline days). We had a blast together that summer. Tammy, my niece, sounds exactly like her mother.

Anyway, the good thing about the trip is binge eating isn't an option at my sister's house. Plus it'll be a distraction from work, which I desperately need. I'll be gone for twelve days. Woohoo!

In the meantime, starting today, I'm going to get back on the straight and narrow. It's 4:40am and I'm going to get off the computer and get dressed for the gym, and be there when they open at 5am.

Today I'm going to drink all my water, even if that means I'll have to go to the bathroom a lot. I've even stopped drinking water because I don't have time. Wow, that sounds really crazy and insane when I write it. Too busy to drink water? This has got to stop. Now. Here. Today. I have to come first, the job has to come second.

Last thing, I haven't weighed in days. That's never a good sign. I'll get on the scales this morning, and document my weight. I'm pretty sure it's up since my size 16's felt snug yesterday. A sure sign things are amiss.

Tonight, I'll make time to read some blogs. That's another thing I stopped doing. Another sure sign things are going to hell.

New day, new attitude. I'm not going down without a fight. :)

Buck up Buttercup

2011-06-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to get over the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I'll get through this thing at work. At least I have some time to figure it out. It's not like I'm suddenly out of work. I really do love the company I work for and the thought of leaving it hurts my heart. Leaving is just one option, there are others. I just have to figure it out. It's at the very top of my list of things I'm worried about. Like I needed another one.

My husband and I talked about it today. He kept telling me it would be okay, that we'd figure it out (I think he meant "I'd" figure it out, but he said "we" out of kindness). Even though I know that's true, it will be okay, it's hard to believe it at the moment.

I made it to the gym today, after I made a new playlist on my iPod. It wasn't my best workout, but focusing on how fast I could go on the StairMaster really helped, at least for the thirty minutes I was on it.

I didn't do weights because all three weight rooms were packed with men. Usually I don't mind that much, and usually it's not that busy. It was 6pm and I couldn't understand why all those young men weren't out on dates on a Saturday night. Anyway, today I just didn't feel like lifting weights surrounded by men. I always wonder why there aren't more women at the gym on Saturday nights.

New music really helps with my workouts and my mood. The top five songs are new as of today, then down to 22 were on my May playlist, and the last eight, well, they're from my top 25 most played on my iPod (and yes, Poker Face, Hot Mess and Fake It are there). Fake it. I guess that's what I need to do for now.

June 2011 playlist:

I know it's probably not what most almost 56-year old women listen to, but this music really helps me keep up the intensity of my workouts.

Now if only I can sleep tonight. It's past midnight, and I'm wide awake. For the past week when I do actually fall asleep I've been plagued by nightmares. Last night I was killing animals. I smashed a baby turtle's back and decapitated him (I was crying in my dream), and then I tried to killed an old raccoon with a brick. If you know me at all, I love animals. I would never, ever harm an animal. I'm the one that stops my car on the street for a squirrel to cross, backing up traffic. The dreams are vivid and horrible and feel very real. After the baby turtle dream I woke up crying. It was just a dreadful dream, one I can't get out of my head.

I guess I have to try to sleep. I wish I could just turn off my brain.

Struggling with life / 189.2

2011-06-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

This continues to be my theme for the last several months. Today is no different.

Yesterday something really awful happened at work. It has to do with me and my future with my company. I'm not fired or anything like that, but my current position will be phased out in about two years. This means I absolutely must make some major decisions about my future. A different career path with the same company (almost 28 years here) or perhaps a different company. I'm almost 56 years old and this is very scary.

I've known this was coming for about a year and even though I knew it, I tried not to think about it. Yesterday I decided to have a heart to heart about it with my manager and talk through what we'd briefing touched on in a meeting about a year ago. It did not go well.

I left work early and cried all the way home. I still have a lump in my throat and continue to feel I'm right on the edge of crying. She only stated the truth, so I don't fault her. It's something I have to figure out. I have options at work, but I don't like any of them.

My sweet husband called me as I was on my drive home. I was stuck in horrible Friday traffic. When he called, I'd been crying, and then burst into tears again. He was very sweet and tried to comfort me, telling me it would all work out. I appreciated it, but this is really my problem, and it's a huge one. I have to figure it out.

He came home with flowers and Chinese takeout for dinner. I haven't eaten Chinese food in over three years. It wasn't delicious and even though I ate some of it (beef and broccoli and some chow mein noodles, two steamed pork stickers) it was like I couldn't taste it. I followed it up with two sugar-free Klondike bars. Again, the food was just tasteless.

The only positive side effect of me being extremely stressed out and worried is that I don't want to eat. If it's just a little annoyance or general sadness, I want to eat. If I'm happy, I want to eat. If it's a horrific, life-changing event (and this feels like one to me), then I don't want to eat at all. I just feel like I want to curl up and die.

It's almost 2pm here and it's 56 degrees with dark skies. It rained all night and looks like it's going to start again any minute. This weather perfectly fits my mood.

It's almost like I have analysis paralysis. This situation seems so overwhelming that I can't seem to take the steps to figure it out. Number one of course, is to update my resume. Number two is figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up.

I have to get really serious about losing weight. The thought of looking for a job at my current weight of 189 is horrifying. At least I don't have to start looking today, but I need to start working on a plan now, not two years from now.

I'm going to the gym now. I'm sure that will help. First I need to download some new tunes on my iPod.

I'll be okay.